Infidelity: Understanding Your Emotions after Betrayal
Learning that your partner has been unfaithful to you is a shock that reverberates through your entire being. You feel the emotional and mental repercussions of it for a long time. Being betrayed causes its own type of trauma, known as betrayal trauma. Being cheated on, whether physically, emotionally, or both, is a lot to process. Understanding your feelings and how you are affected by a betrayal can empower you to take charge of your healing.
Stages of Grief after Infidelity
As you cope with the pain of infidelity, you may go through the 5 stages of grief.
Denial – This is almost an unwillingness to accept the reality of what has happened. You may be in disbelief as to how your partner could do this to you. It is the stage where you may be thinking, “This can’t be happening”, or “There must be some mistake.”
Anger – Betrayal brings with it a lot of anger and resentment. As things start to fall into place and you realize the reality of what has happened, you feel a growing sense of anger or rage. The anger can be towards your partner, the person they cheated on you with, at yourself, and even towards those close to you who might have known and did not alert you.
Bargaining – At this stage you may engage in overthinking and try to rationalize, justify, or explain away the affair in order to cope with the hurt and pain.
Depression – The sense of loss, sadness, and grief can result in depression.
Acceptance – This is the stage at which you come to terms with the affair and its ramifications for the present and the future. Reaching this stage does not necessarily mean that you have gotten closure. It can mean that you see what happened in your relationship with perspective and are ready to forgive, move on, or work to repair the damage.
Issues with Trust
When someone that you have an intimate relationship with is unfaithful, it can shatter your ability to trust people. You may worry that another betrayal will happen. It can feel that everything you knew and believed about your relationship up to the point of infidelity has been a lie. This can cause cognitive dissonance, where you question what you thought was authentic and real. This mistrust causes difficulty with reestablishing intimacy and also in developing intimacy in future relationships.
Fear and Anxiety
Infidelity shakes up the foundation of your relationship, your daily life, and what you believed to be security. The lack of trust you now have in your relationship and your partner can cause a lot of uncertainty. You may have anxiety about finances, parenting, and the future of your relationship.
You may experience a lot of indecision and confusion about your relationship and what the next steps should be. There may be a sense of feeling lost, as you no longer stand in the same place with your partner as you once did.
Doubting your Value and Self-worth
When we are betrayed, we can begin to question our worthiness and whether we are good enough. You analyze what you could have done differently, or how you could have been different. You may even believe that you could have prevented this, or that you are the reason this happened. This is especially true if you are in a relationship with an abusive dynamic. Due to this, those that have been on the receiving end of betrayal often take a hit to their self-esteem and sense of self.
Blaming Yourself
You may repeatedly go over events in your mind. “If I had done this – or not done that – it would not have happened”.
With the benefit of hindsight, certain behaviors or patterns stick out as clues you feel you should have picked up on. You may wonder how you could have missed it, or how you were so naïve. Feelings of anger and disappointment in yourself are also normal, as you may be thinking, “How could I let this happen?”.
Overthinking and Rumination
After learning of a partner’s infidelity, it can be a challenge not to obsess over the details. The who, where, why, what, when, and how can plague your thoughts. You may ask your partner the same questions repeatedly, hoping for a different answer or a better answer. You may spend a lot of time thinking about the person they had an affair with. You may compare yourself with the third party or try to learn more about them through either your partner, social media, or mutual acquaintances.
Shame
Being cheated on can create a sense of shame in many people. The thought that you have been duped and lied to can make you feel foolish and humiliated. This is another reason that people often isolate themselves after learning of infidelity. It can be too hard to face others when you feel the burn of embarrassment.
Post-traumatic Stress Disorder
Often, the person who has been cheated on can develop post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) after learning of their partner’s infidelity.
Symptoms of PTSD
Intrusive thoughts, recurring thoughts, visualizing details of the affair. When this happens, it can act as a trigger and cause a wave of stress, anxiety, and difficult emotions.
Hypervigilance. This is when the hurt partner becomes highly vigilant about their partner’s phone activity or comings and goings. It can develop into an unhealthy pattern of obsessive scrutiny. You feel a high degree of insecurity or jealousy and require reassurance often.
Isolation, detachment, withdrawal. The hurt partner may start to avoid people, places or situations that remind them of their partner’s infidelity. You may seem detached or distant because withdrawing is what helps you cope with the overwhelming feelings of betrayal.
Depressive symptoms. Facing the repercussions of betrayal and the effect that it has on you, your children, and your homelife as a whole can be debilitating. Symptoms of depression include difficulty concentrating and loss of interest in activities and people that you once enjoyed. Symptoms also involve fatigue, appetite changes and sleep disturbances, persistent feelings of sadness, and lack of motivation.
Mood fluctuations, emotional dysregulation. This encompasses the array of heavy feelings you may be experiencing. This can include guilt, shame, rage, humiliation, frustration, hurt, sadness, and confusion.
Sense of despair. You may feel powerless, helpless, and hopeless. You may lose faith in your relationship and in your belief system around love and trust.
The emotional response many people have to infidelity is similar to responses people have to traumatic events. The term ‘post-infidelity stress disorder’ has been coined to describe this condition.
Getting Help
There are a variety of resources available about the trauma of infidelity and navigating its aftershocks. You can find information and forums online. Leading experts in the field of relationships have written books and articles about it. Additionally, you can join a support group in your area or speak to a trusted friend or family member who has had an experience similar to yours. The more you learn about the nature of infidelity and how to cope with it, the better you will be able to help yourself and your relationship.
Furthermore, getting professional help in the form of relationship counseling and/or trauma therapy can play an integral role in helping you move forward and heal. Trust Mental Health has a team of BIPOC therapists that offer mental health therapy in California. We have therapists that are experienced in relationship counseling, including the world-renowned Gottman Method. You do not have to struggle alone. Reach out to us today for a free 15 minute consultation. We will match you with a therapist that you can relate to. We accept new clients within 48 hours.
FAQs
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Many relationships do survive infidelity, but it requires substantial work from both parties. Doing the work includes honest communication, finding ways to rebuild trust, and addressing underlying issues that contributed to the affair. This process can be facilitated by relationship counseling.
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Rebuilding trust takes time and consistent effort. You will need to accept responsibility, show genuine remorse, and communicate honestly. Demonstrate through your actions—not just words—that you can be trusted again. For example, being there when you say will, following through on commitments, and showing up in every way your partner needs you. Couples therapy can also provide guidance and support during this process.
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Trauma therapy can help you navigate the complex emotions arising from betrayal. Additionally, individual therapy or couples therapy can provide professional guidance, coping strategies, and help you find a way forward.
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The stress and emotional upheaval of infidelity can lead to physical symptoms such as sleep disturbances, changes in appetite, headaches, stomach issues, and can even exacerbate underlying or chronic conditions. You will need to prioritize your health and seek medical advice if needed.