9 Ways to Improve Your Relationship with Your Sibling
Your relationship with your sibling is a lifelong one. They are your companions in life, and are the ones who have seen you at all your ages and stages of life. Because of this, your sibling has the ability to understand you in ways that other people cannot. It can be a hugely fulfilling relationship, one that can bring you joy, support, guidance, and friendship. Strong sibling relationships can help protect against loneliness and depression. When the relationship between siblings becomes strained, it is painful and upsetting for all those involved and affected. An estrangement between siblings affects other family members, children, and parents. Here we present 7 ways in which you can improve your relationship with your sibling.
Table of Contents:
Leave the Past in the Past
It is tempting to rehash old hurts. You may feel the need to get into the same argument or discussion repeatedly, in the hopes of reaching a different outcome. However, in most cases, this does not achieve resolution. Sometimes, it is best to let things go and leave them in the past. Try and find another way to process what happened without being dependent on your sibling for closure. For example, you may find it helpful to speak to a close friend, counselor or therapist. You can also try writing about it in a letter to your sibling – a letter that you do not send. Writing something down can help you work through your feelings about it.
Additionally, as siblings, people sometimes carry their behavioral patterns and modes of interaction with each other into adulthood. For example, you may still treat your younger brother as someone who needs your help a lot. You may continue to suggest what he should do, even when he has not asked for your advice. As adults, we need to see our siblings also as the adults they are, and readjust the lens through which we view them. Be aware if you are carrying any assumptions about your sibling that are rooted in childhood.
Take Your Time
Often, it can take longer to mend a relationship that it can to damage one. You will need to be patient, persistent, and give space when needed. If you try to tackle it all in one go, you may meet with some resistance or confusion. Instead, go slowly and in small increments. For example, rather than calling the sibling you have tension with and trying to discuss everything, try sending them a text that says, “Hi, I was thinking about you”, or “Hi, hope you are doing well.” You can also call them just to inquire about how they are. Keep it simple, friendly, and brief. Replacing large, negative interactions with smaller, positive ones can set a more receptive tone for conversation in the future.
Remember, there may be some regression at times – neither you nor your sibling are perfect! Building a stronger, healthier bond is a commitment.
Consider Outside Factors
Consider that there may be others factors impacting your sibling. They have roles outside of being your brother or sister. Therefore, your sibling may have things happening in their professional, family, or social lives that are affecting them. This does not excuse any hurt they may have caused you, but keeping this in mind can help you gain some perspective. It can also help avoid you misconstruing their intentions.
Communicate Clearly
Sometimes, we think we are communicating well and getting our point across clearly. However, we tend to forget that communication is about listening also. In order to navigate difficult conversations, you must show that you are open to the other person’s point of view, reflect on what they said, and avoid criticism, judgement, or defensiveness. It may help to have another trusted friend or family member moderate. Relationship counseling can also help you identify and move through interpersonal blockages and sources of conflict.
Take Responsibility
Acknowledge the part you played in any conflict, disagreement, or tension. This will require some reflection on your part to understand how you contributed to the rift. Taking responsibility for your words and actions will show your sibling that you are sincere. It will also make it easier for them to let things go, as they will no longer need to argue and convince you of your part in the issue. Introspection and taking responsibility also means that you gain more self-awareness within the sibling dynamic. The more self-aware you are, the more engaged, present, and empathetic you will be in your relationships.
Show Up
Show up for your sibling when they need support or help. Be mindful of the things that are important to them. Doing this can help them realize that your efforts and desire for a healthy relationship are genuine. Feeling supported and seen, especially by family, means a lot. Demonstrate genuine interest in your sibling’s successes, personal growth, or professional accomplishments.
Also, give your sibling an opportunity to show up for you. Invite them to share in an event or occasion that is meaningful to you. Ask for their guidance or practical help with a challenge you are dealing with. This will show them that you value their place in your life.
Seek Professional Help
Relationship counseling is not only for couples. Professional help, in the form of relationship counseling or family therapy, can help mend and build relationships between siblings. You may think that a strained sibling dynamic does not require therapy. However, our relationships with our family members are for life. It is better for our overall wellbeing to sustain healthy, nurturing relationships with those closest to us.
Relationship counseling can help you identify harmful patterns or behaviors. It can help you and your sibling process elements like resentment, anger, or shame, from your childhood. It can also help you create and maintain healthy boundaries. A professional therapist can guide you in rebuilding a relationship based on trust and meaningful engagement. Therapy can eventually lead to a fulfilling, functional relationship with your sibling.
Set Healthy Personal Boundaries
A personal boundary is defined by the limits, values, and rules you set within your relationships. A healthy boundary also enforces the behavior and treatment that you will and will not accept from others. This applies to your professional life, friends, romantic relationships, and family members. Your personal boundaries influence the way you are treated and perceived by others. Having healthy boundaries within your sibling relationships serve the same purpose. It is possible that these may evolve and change over the years.
Even with our siblings, we must feel comfortable kindly saying no and drawing a line on behavioral patterns we cannot accept. This will help in maintaining a connection, communicating your needs, and being more accepting of their boundaries as well.
Have Realistic Expectations
With certain relationships come certain expectations. There are things you expect from your parents, children, partner, friends, and family members. In the relationship with your sibling, especially when you are working on repair and reconnecting, you need to manage your expectations. Your sibling may not always be who you want them to be. They may not play the role in your life that you want them to. They may not be in touch with you as much as you would like. Rather than holding this against them, or seeing these things as their faults, accept that this is how and who they are. Accept that this is how your relationship will progress, while still being open to further closeness.
If you are struggling with a conflicted sibling relationship, depression, anxiety, or symptoms of trauma, we are here for you. Trust Mental Health’s team of BIPOC therapists offer anxiety therapy, depression therapy, trauma therapy, and relationship counseling in California. We speak over 16 languages between us, and our therapists provide therapy both online and in person. Contact us today for a free 15 minute consultation. We will match you with a therapist best suited to your needs.
FAQs
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Building a strong and healthy relationship with your sibling can provide emotional support, a sense of belonging, and lifelong companionship. It can also help create a more harmonious family environment.
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Conflict is normal, but it must be addressed and sorted through. Practice active listening, express your feelings calmly, and avoid blame, criticism, or name-calling. Seek compromise and resolution rather than trying to "win" arguments.
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You cannot force someone to improve a relationship, but you can lead by example. Be patient, show kindness, and give them space if needed. Manage your expectations, even when reconciliation seems likely. Eventually, they may become more open to building a better connection.
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Small gestures like making time to do something with them that you both enjoy, taking interest in their pursuits and hobbies, remembering special occasions, and offering support during tough times can demonstrate your care.