Opposites Attract: Navigating Anxious and Avoidant Relationships
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Have you ever felt misunderstood by your romantic partner? Perhaps one partner craves consistent intimacy, while the other partner feels the need to keep their significant other at a distance. Maybe you want more quality time with your partner but they are shutting you out, or vice versa. When it comes to relationships, it can be difficult to balance the desire for affection with the desire for self-reliance. If these problems resonate with you, then you might be stuck in an anxious-avoidant relationship, a relationship trend that can be explained by attachment styles.
What are Attachment Styles?
Attachment styles describe how someone behaves in a relationship, especially romantic ones. There are four different attachment styles: the anxious attachment style, the avoidant attachment style, the disorganized attachment style, and the secure attachment style. Anxious attachment style describes those who are overly dependent in relationships and crave intimacy. Avoidant attachment style describes those who are highly independent and don’t like to rely on others. Disorganized attachment style is a mixture of anxious and avoidant, where they fear yet crave intimacy. Secure attachment style describes people who can healthily rely on others while also keeping their independence. The Cleveland Clinic states that these styles have a heavy influence on your communication style, attitude towards yourself and others, how you feel about intimacy/vulnerability, and more.
How do Attachment Styles Form?
Attachment styles form in childhood during one’s connection with their primary caregivers. We start to form attachments to people as soon as we are born. Since our primary caregivers are the main people in our lives as children, a healthy attachment towards them is crucial in our development. According to the NSPCC, when we do not get our needs met from our parents as children, if, for example, they are negligent or do not have the proper tools to take care of a child, we start to form unhealthy attachment styles. These attachments then carry onto our adulthoods. It is hard to have a secure attachment style when you didn’t feel secure as a child. Attachment styles in adulthood affect multiple types of relationships including family relationships and friendships. However, attachment styles in adulthood are more romance focused since the primary person in our lives goes from our parental caregivers to our romantic partners.
Anxious Attachment Style
People with an anxious attachment style, also known as a preoccupied attachment style, typically have a negative self-image and struggle with their self-worth. These feelings of inadequacy tend to cause anxiety, which triggers this person to seek constant validation and attention from their partner. While validation is important in any relationship, someone with an anxious attachment style equates their self-worth to their partner’s affection levels. They experience high levels of worry when away from their partner. This usually stems from a deep fear of abandonment. Healthline explains that this fear can stem from parents giving their children inconsistent love. For example, if a parent is nurturing at times yet cold during others, a child can become insecure because they do not know what to expect. Anxious attachment can look like prioritizing their partner over themself, creating codependency, being obsessive over the relationship, fear of rejection, and constant anxiety.
Avoidant Attachment Style
People with an avoidant attachment style, also known as a dismissive attachment style, are typically cautious of other people and have a high sense of independence. They struggle to create deep bonds with people and avoid intimacy. They do not like to depend on others, typically creating a wall between them and the people in their lives. One explanation for an avoidant attachment style is having parents who did not show much affection. For example, if someone’s parents were often working instead of taking care of their child's needs or the parents weren’t affectionate themselves, this can create an avoidant attachment style. Since they aren’t used to affection, they fear deepening intimacy. Avoidant attachment can look like discomfort with intimacy, having a hard time discussing feelings, coming off as distant or cold, finding it difficult to rely on others, and shutting down emotions.
Anxious-Avoidant Relationship
When one partner is anxiously attached and one is avoidantly attached, it can create an uneven bond where both partners require different needs. It also creates a push-pull relationship dynamic. The anxious partner needs regular reassurance and intimacy, but the avoidant partner might be overwhelmed by such requests. The anxious partner pushes forward while the avoidant partner pulls away, creating an imbalanced relationship. It can be difficult to make an anxious-avoidant relationship work, especially when partners are unable to change their unhealthy behaviors. Thankfully, through putting in effort and change, an anxious-avoidant relationship does not need to be an issue or problem.
Why Are Anxious-Avoidant Relationships So Common?
Why is an anxious-avoidant relationship a frequent relationship dynamic when they seem to be polar opposites, especially when misunderstandings become recurring and there is the potential for fights? This can be explained through unmet emotional needs that stem from childhood. The anxiously attached person wants the avoidant's attention and is committed to the chase. The avoidantly attached person does desire intimacy; however, they become overwhelmed when the opportunity arises and may instead run away.
Can an Anxious-Avoidant Relationship Work?
Yes! An anxious-avoidant relationship can work if both partners put in the effort for personal growth. Through understanding your own attachment style, effectively working on your triggers, and communicating with your partner, a healthy anxious-avoidant relationship is possible and many people do it.
Additionally, no one is stuck in one attachment style. While attachment styles are typically formed during childhood, this does not mean that an individual cannot cultivate a more secure attachment style through self-improvement and creating change later on in life. Having a secure attachment style is a healthy and communicative style that maintains closeness while also maintaining a sense of independence.
Below is advice on how to make an anxious-avoidant relationship work and make your way to a secure one.
Tips for the Anxiously Attached Partner
Being anxiously attached is challenging due to intense emotions that stem from the anxiety. These feelings can be overwhelming; however, there are tools to help manage them.
Understand your partner's need for space and do not take it personally. Your worries can make you catastrophize situations, essentially turning something small into a major problem. For example, if your partner needs time alone, understand that their desire for alone time does not reflect how they feel about you. Another example is if they do not text you back right away, instead of assuming they want to break up, understand that they are most likely busy.
Invest in things outside of your relationship. It is important to have hobbies and friends outside of the relationship. When you start to feel anxious about the relationship, focus on the other positive aspects of your life.
Vocalize your needs to your partner and create healthy boundaries. It is important to listen to your partner while not compromising your needs due to a fear of abandonment.
Learn about yourself and your anxious tendencies. What makes you constantly need reassurance? What triggers you to become anxious? What makes it difficult to be away from your partner?
Learn self-soothing and self-regulation techniques to help calm intense emotions and anxious thoughts. This can be done through mindfulness methods, such as meditation, or through learning coping mechanisms at therapy.
Tips for the Avoidantly Attached Partner
Being avoidantly attached can make emotions and intimacy seem terrifying because you are more used to keeping your distance from feelings. However, emotions and intimacy are an important aspect to any relationship. You might be avoiding feelings internally, creating emotional distance between you and those surrounding you. By slowly opening yourself to feelings, it can help you embrace intense emotions. It can also help you be a more reliant partner.
Embrace vulnerability. Avoidantly attached people tend to “protect” themselves from emotions, but embracing vulnerability can create a connection between yourself and others.
Open up to your partner about your emotions. While this can be scary, opening up will release the stress of holding everything in. It will also help your partner understand you better.
Learn about yourself and your withdrawal patterns. What makes you fear intimacy? What triggers you to shut people out? What makes you avoid things?
Understand where your partner is coming from when they ask for intimacy and slowly work towards a place where you are comfortable with the type of intimacy you desire.
Tips For Working Together
While working on individual attachment styles is important, it is even more essential to work on issues that arise together. When it comes to how to make an anxious-avoidant relationship work, it is important to take things slow. Realize that things take time, especially when people’s attachment styles are deeply rooted in childhood experiences.
Keep open and honest communication. Create a safe environment where communication is encouraged. Be active listeners and support each other when discussing hard topics.
Set boundaries and expectations. Through setting realistic expectations, both partners will be on the same page about the relationship. For example, setting an estimated amount of times you would like to see each other weekly. If you and your partner live together, create boundaries on the time and energy commitment you make towards each other.
Work together to understand where you and your partner's individual attachment styles come from. Do research and communicate during this process. Through self-awareness and sharing your experiences together, it can create a sense of connection and understanding.
Do not assume your partner automatically understands what you need. No one is a mind reader! If you don’t communicate your needs, then your partner does not know how to best support you and the relationship.
If you tried to make your relationship work but things are still unhealthy, know when to end your relationship. If the anxious-avoidant relationship continues its unhealthy patterns, while it is upsetting, learn when to let go.
See an individual therapist or a couples therapist. Therapy can help you gain more emotional intelligence surrounding your personal and relationship struggles. It can also provide support for times in need.
This journey of self-growth and healing your attachment styles sounds daunting, but you do not have to go through it alone. If you are looking for therapeutic services in California, Trust Mental Health has multiple different therapeutic services. We offer individual therapy in California, relation counseling in California, couples therapy in California, and many more services.
Key Points:
Attachment styles describe how one behaves in a relationship.
An anxious-avoidant relationship is a common dynamic that can spark tension and fights.
Through self-growth and communication, an anxious-avoidant relationship can be perfectly healthy.
FAQs
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You can understand your own attachment style through self-discovery and growth. Read about the different attachment styles and find one that resonates with you the best. If there’s multiple attachment styles that you resonate with, that’s normal! You can relate to multiple or have different attachment styles show up in different relationships. If you are still not sure, there are online tests that can help you determine your attachment style. Lastly, you can ask those in your life if they can give you any insight on your attachment style.
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Definitely! We’re all different in our unique ways. You are bound to be different from your partner in multiple ways. Just like any relationship, the key is communication and trying to understand where your partner is coming from if there is a disagreement. Keep steady communication with your partner and set expectations for the relationship. Through setting expectations, both partners will be on the same page about the dynamic of the relationship.
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Creating a secure attachment style takes time and does not happen overnight. To create a secure attachment style in romantic relationships, you first need to create a healthy relationship with yourself. If you are able to love and accept yourself, you are way more likely to know what you deserve in relationships and set healthy boundaries. Learn about yourself, take yourself on dates, practice daily self-care! Another tip is to communicate with your partner or a therapist about your attachment style. You’re not alone, and you don’t have to go through this alone.