How to Handle Being Triggered During Family Gatherings
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Holiday family gatherings can be a wonderful family bonding time, with yummy food and plenty of laughter. However, the holiday season isn’t always a cheerful time. Even if we cherish our time with family, these gatherings can be tough and draining. Family members can bring up triggering topics, childhood trauma, and past resentments. For some people, simply the experience of visiting one's family home can be an overwhelming experience due to trauma. Families can trigger anxiety, PTSD, depression, or an overall uncomfortable feeling. These triggers can be difficult to deal with, however, you can prepare beforehand and equip yourself with strategies to feel grounded and safe.
What are Triggers?
A trigger is an emotional response that occurs when painful memories or difficult emotions are brought up. Triggers can cause psychological distress and physical discomfort, and resurface the past. Triggers are mostly seen as a post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) response, but can also cause other mental health struggles. Very Well Mind explains that when we’re triggered, our brain remembers past traumatic experiences as current and creates a fight or flight response.
Family Triggers
When a family member triggers PTSD, it resurfaces old wounds that usually stem from childhood trauma. These triggers often lay deep and can be recurring. Navigating these triggers can be especially challenging if family members don’t understand or prioritize mental health.
Common Family Triggers
It’s normal and understandable to deal with triggers during family gatherings. Sometimes even if your family is well-intentioned, they can still trigger us. Some common triggers include:
Pressure from family to achieve certain goals
Criticism of physical appearance
Disapproval of your lifestyle
Non-acceptance of LGBTQ+ identities
Political arguments
Comparison between sibling(s)
Toxic family member(s)
How to Prepare Beforehand
Being proactive about the holiday season and family triggers can help you deal with such stressors. If you know your family can trigger you, here are some tips on how to prepare:
Create a Support System
Know who your safe people are to go to in times of need. If there is a family member you feel comfortable and connected with, let them know how you’re feeling and allow them to support you. You can also have your support system online and text a friend when things become stressful. Support systems come in all shapes and sizes. It is also beneficial to have a therapist to work through family triggers before and after family gatherings. Your therapist can guide you on navigating difficult emotions and grounding yourself when feeling triggered.
Know and Set Your Boundaries
It’s hard to maintain boundaries with family. Family expectations, complex dynamics, fear of conflict, and guilt are some reasons why establishing these boundaries can be tricky. But it's important to remember that you have a right to protect your mental peace and energy, even if it's hard. If you feel negative emotions after a family member does or says something, that can be a sign that you need to set a boundary.
Take Time for Yourself Before and After Family Gatherings
Family gatherings take a lot of mental energy. Make sure you take time for yourself by practicing self-care, maintaining a healthy routine, and doing the things you love. This can also help prevent burn-out and mental health concerns. The holiday season is stressful and depression rates are higher during the holiday season. The National Alliance for Mental Illness found that 64% of people living with mental health conditions reported worsening mental health during the holiday season.
Come up With a Script
If you know family members will bring up certain triggering conversations, it can be beneficial to be prepared with how to respond. There are multiple ways to respond and you can find a personalized way that works for you. You can be more direct, for example, if your grandma is trying to bring up your weight and say something like “I know you mean well, but please do not make comments about my weight, it makes me feel uncomfortable.”. You can also try to steer the conversation in another direction, for example, “Oh interesting, did I tell you about a new couch I recently bought?”.
What To Do In The Moment
While preparing beforehand can be beneficial, there are also strategies you can use during family meetings to help yourself feel more level-headed.
Notice When You’re Feeling Triggered
When you feel triggered, the first step is to acknowledge and identify what you’re feeling. Once you know that you’re feeling triggered in some way, you will be more likely to not get caught up in the emotional situation and recognize when to step back. Here are some cues that you may start feeling triggered:
A shift in mood
Quickening of breath
Sudden anxiety
Chest pain
Lightheadedness
Negative flashbacks
Anxiety or panic attacks
Dissociation
Intense anger or fear
Grounding Techniques
Deep breaths: When you begin to feel anxious or triggered, it’s important to take deep breaths This will regulate your heart rate and bring you back to the present moment.
Box Breathing: If simply taking deep breaths is not enough, you can also try box breathing. Inhale for four seconds, hold your breath for four seconds, exhale for four seconds, and hold your breath again for four seconds. Repeat till you feel calm.
54321 technique: This technique requires you to identify five things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste. There are many other grounding techniques you can find with the help of your therapist and figure out what works best for you.
Take a break: If things become too intense, either internally or externally, it’s okay to step out to ground yourself.
Cold Water/Ice Cube: Splashing cold water on your face or holding an ice cube can help calm your senses. The sudden change in temperature distracts your mind from the negative emotions and helps dissolve the triggering sensations.
Affirmations
Giving yourself a pep talk or practicing affirmations can allow you to feel more comfortable within yourself. Here are some examples of upsetting situations and affirmations that can be helpful:
If your family is constantly asking too much from you, remember “It is not my job to fix my family.”
If a family member tries to belittle or criticize you, remember “I am worthy of love.”
If you feel yourself getting angry at yourself or family members, you can try the affirmation “I practice compassion for myself and for others.”
If you’re being harsh on yourself for being triggered, recognize that “My feelings are valid.”
Pick and Choose Your Battles
Family relationships are complex. While it’s important to state your boundaries, it’s equally important to learn when you should take a step back. Sometimes commenting back can further initiate arguments and create bigger tensions. If you know your family member won’t have a good reaction, it’s okay to take a step back and try to let things go. If you know a toxic family member won’t change, try to accept the situation in the moment and carry on with your day.
Practice Self-Compassion
It’s essential to be kind to yourself when feeling triggered. Family triggers aren’t anything to be ashamed about and you deserve to know your worth. When family triggers things such as anxiety, depression, and PTSD, it can negatively affect our self-esteem. While people's words are powerful, you can learn how to not emotionally react to harsh comments with time and practice. You’re not obligated to be anyone besides yourself.
Through acknowledging your triggers and practicing self-compassion, you can begin to heal from family triggers. Judith Orloff comments about how through healing your triggers, you won’t be as phased or drained by people’s inappropriate comments. If you are interested in working on your triggers, Trust Mental Health has therapeutic services to help heal from family trauma and empower adults and children. Trust Mental Health offers therapy in Fremont and all across California.
Key Points
A trigger is an emotional response to a stimulus that rehashes an old memory. Family gatherings often bring back wounded memories and leave us vulnerable.
While family gatherings are stressful, there are things you can do to prepare. Some tips include creating a support system, knowing your boundaries, and using grounding techniques.
Be kind to yourself during family gatherings, especially if you’re walking into a stressful environment. Practice self-care techniques and give yourself positive affirmations to remember your worth.
FAQs
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Everyone responds differently, so it’s important to find what works for you. Some ideas include grounding yourself through deep breathing, stating your boundaries, walking away, and working on your PTSD triggers beforehand so you have less of a reaction.
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Family gatherings are triggering because they can remind us of past wounds, we get inappropriate comments from family members, or we get criticized from family members. Family gathering triggers are normal and it’s okay to struggle during them.
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You can work on your triggers through learning how and why you become triggered. The first step to healing is understanding. While working with a therapist, you can uncover traumas that are causing your triggers and develop healthy coping mechanisms.