Talking to Family Members About LGBTQ+ Identities
Many of us have probably heard microaggressive comments from our family members during Pride Month. For example, a family member might make a comment like, “Why do queer people need a whole month to celebrate?” or, “Why should gay people flaunt their sexualities so much this time of year?” In these circumstances, many of us want to speak up and educate our family members. However, that is easier said than done. In order to make an impact, it’s important to remain calm and nonjudgmental, even though this is difficult to do when you feel offended by someone’s comment. Additionally, for many people, it is a challenge to receive feedback about one’s beliefs, which can lead to defensiveness or anger, further escalating the conversation. Throughout this post, we offer some tips and tricks to initiate these conversations, as well as some methods to help you manage your own well-being during and after challenging conversations.
Understanding the Importance of the Conversation
Why It Matters
When beginning these conversations, it can be helpful to remember your own intention behind educating family members. For example, you may know someone in your family who identifies as part of the LGBTQ+ community. Familial support is one of the most significant protective factors against suicidal thoughts and actions among queer young people. Therefore, it may feel especially important to create queer-support dialogue within your family unit. Additionally, you may have close friends who identify as part of the queer community. In this case, it may feel important to you to educate your family members while that friend is not around to help decrease the likelihood that that friend may experience microaggressions around your family.
Potential Benefits
As mentioned above, these conversations can help decrease stigma on a broad level. On a smaller scale, having difficult conversations with your family members can help strengthen your relationships. These instances may help your family understand that you are safe people to ask questions around and that you have in interest in helping each other expand your horizons to become better people in the long run. Individually, it may be beneficial to your mental health to have the conversation, because this helps you live within your own value system, encouraging a more open-minded, welcoming, communicative world.
Challenges and Risks
It is equally important to evaluate the challenges and risks associated with beginning these conversations. Some family members may have negative reactions that you should be prepared for, such as becoming defensive or avoiding the conversation. These behaviors can feel discouraging and stressful. They may also cause you to ruminate on the conversation over time, leading to emotional strain and additional stress for you. Weigh these risks against the benefits before initiating the conversation. This will help you decide how to navigate the situation as effectively as possible.
Preparing for the Conversation
Self-Education
In preparation for the discussion, it may be helpful to understand important terms, concepts, and issues. For example, to the family member who asked why queer people need a whole month to celebrate, one could enter that conversation with some information on the history of Pride Month to help highlight the social and political struggles associated with being a part of the LGTQ+ community. If a family member shared confusion about all the letters in the acronym, it may be helpful to have a definition of some of the basic terms to share with them (i.e. bisexual means someone is attracted to two or more genders and transgender means someone does not identify with the gender they were assigned at birth).
Self-Reflection
While self-education is positive, it is also important to know your limits. This can help demonstrate humility in the face of learning new information. Be open to the possibility of family members asking questions you don’t have an answer to. In that case, you might say, “Let’s look that up together,” or, “Let me see if there’s a documentary that delves deeper into queer history—that might help answer your question for us both.”
Self-awareness about your own limits is an important component of these conversations. Take some time to think about times when someone needed to teach you something. Think about what that delivery did well for your learning process. Perhaps the person was stern but expressed an openness towards further questions. Maybe they encouraged you to continue with your own research. Try to replicate what worked about the conversation.
Initiating the Conversation
Choosing the Right Time and Place
This can be highly dependent on the person you are speaking with. For example, a family member who tends to get defensive may feel more comfortable having a one-on-one conversation where they learn some new information. In that case, you might schedule time to spend together and say, “Last week, I heard you say you didn’t understand Pride Month. I wanted to talk about that with you, just the two of us. It sounds like you’re confused about where the tradition started, so I did some research. Could I share some of what I learned with you?”
Alternatively, it may be helpful to engage in a group discussion, especially if you think the education could benefit multiple family members. This may start a more open dialogue where people can share stories and learn from one another.
Setting the Tone
In these instances, it can be helpful to begin with a patient and open tone. Encouraging questions and admitting that you do not know everything can help bring people’s defenses down, leading to a more productive conversation. It may also be helpful to ask questions to learn more about where a family member is coming from. This can help offer clarity about what they may be interested in learning, where their confusion comes from, or other potential topics of conversation. Leading with empathy helps create the most effective discussions.
Starting Points
If you do not have a specific remark to use to begin the conversation, it may be helpful to begin by discussing a current event or character in the media. You may mention that you recently watched a romantic comedy that starred two gay men, leading to a comment about how you hadn’t previously seen a movie like that. This could prompt a conversation about the value of representation in media and queer history. You may even follow up the initial comment with a question like, “Has anyone else seen that movie? Maybe we could watch it together sometime.”
Navigating the Conversation
Active Listening
People tend to be more open and honest when they feel heard. A lot of listening skills are translated through body language. This could include making direct eye contact, nodding along with the conversation, and turning your body towards the speaker. These subtle cues will help the person know that you’re engaging with them. At the same time, it may be helpful to keep an open expression. This can help show your empathy and patience, which will further encourage the conversation.
Handling Negative Reactions
If you find that the person is not able to hear you, it may be best to say something like, “It sounds like we don’t see eye-to-eye right now. Why don’t we pick this conversation up another time?” From there, focus on your own feelings. You may feel disappointed, angry, confused, or a combination of all of these. Try to be patient with yourself and know you tried your best. Take care of yourself.
Continuing the Dialogue
Follow-Up
After the initial conversation, it can be helpful to find other instances to discuss LGBTQ+ advocacy with your family members. You may encourage them to watch movies or read books with you. It may also be helpful to bring up relevant current events. This can help the conversation flow more naturally because it may eventually become something your family is used to discussing, thereby taking away some of the initial pressure or fear around asking questions and being unsure. It may also help to ask outright when you don’t understand something—this helps put the whole family on the same level, rather than thinking one person knows more than the rest.
Building a Supportive Environment
Celebrating progress can be a wonderful way to help your family feel supported in their learning. It can be overwhelming to admit that you do not know something, but it is much easier to do so when you know you can count on your family to help you learn. To celebrate, you might compliment a family member when they bring up a new point during a discussion, thank them for asking a question, or engage with any media recommendations they bring up. This helps foster an open environment where you can all support each other’s interests.
Conclusion
Navigating these conversations with family members is never easy. Throughout the process, it is important to remain patient, take care of yourself, and be as open-minded as possible. If these conversations become overwhelming to the point that they negatively impact your mental health, Trust Mental Health can be a great option. We offer individual and family therapy, depending on your needs. Our therapists are here to help you get the support you need.
Key Points
Before initiating a conversation, self-education on LGBTQ+ terms and issues is essential. Reflecting on personal experiences with learning and openness can help model effective communication.
Choosing the right time and setting a patient and empathetic tone encourages productive discussions. Starting points like current events or media representations can facilitate a more natural and less confrontational dialogue about LGBTQ+ advocacy.
Educating family members about LGBTQ+ issues is vital for several reasons, including supporting LGBTQ+ family members and friends. Creating open dialogue can decrease stigma and strengthen familial relationships, promoting an open-minded, inclusive environment.
FAQs
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Discrimination, whether in the form of bullying, harassment, or systemic inequalities, can lead to chronic stress, a feeling of being unsafe, and lower self-esteem. This persistent stress can contribute to mental health disorders.
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Family members can support an LGBTQ+ loved one by educating themselves about LGBTQ+ issues, showing unconditional love and acceptance, standing against discriminatory behavior or language, providing emotional support, and encouraging professional mental health care if needed.
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Society can contribute by enacting and enforcing anti-discrimination laws, promoting inclusive policies in workplaces, schools, and public spaces, increasing visibility and representation of LGBTQ+ individuals in media and leadership roles, and supporting LGBTQ+ organizations and initiatives