Relationship Red Flags
What You Need to Teach Your Teenagers about Safety in an Intimate Relationship
The teenage years are a rough time for many kids - and a daunting time for parents. Along with the pressure of academics and social integration, teenagers may find it difficult to navigate romantic relationships. As part of teenage mental health and wellness, pre-teens and teenagers must be educated about unhealthy relationship patterns and behaviors. There has to be awareness that abuse from a partner is not just physical, but can also be emotional, verbal, mental, or online. They need to be able to recognize red flags.
What are Relationship Red Flags?
Red flags are alarming actions or habits that a person exhibits. They are clues to dysfunction that will arise in a relationship with the person displaying these behaviors. We need to talk to our teenagers about toxic codes of conduct and explain what is unacceptable in a relationship.
Red flags in romantic relationships include a multitude of toxic patterns, some of which are discussed below (please note this is not an exhaustive list).
Things move too fast
Reaching relationship milestones too quickly, such as rushed declarations of love and commitment.
A partner tries to get physical too soon. They initiate sexual activity without consent or permission. They pressure you into physical acts. They do not respect the word ‘No’.
Harshness
A lack of empathy.
An indicator of how a person will behave in their relationship with you is how they treat other people, their parents, and their mothers in particular. Another example is treating service staff, such as waiters, rudely or unkindly.
Laughing at another person’s pain or misery.
How they treat animals. Cruelty to animals and malicious teasing can be a sign of someone with little empathy.
Controlling, smothering, oppressive behavior
Monitoring you, which is a stepping stone to control. They call you too many times throughout the day. They want to know where you are at all times. They check up on you when you are out. Trust is a constant issue, and they doubt where you say you have been. Control may also extend to what you wear, where you go, who you go with, and when you go.
Isolating you from family and friends. An ‘Us vs Them’ outlook. A person with a toxic code of conduct will make you feel like they are the only one who understands you and who is ‘on your side’.
Anger that is out of proportion to what caused it.
Lack of accountability, passing blame on to others or you.
Disregarding your needs. They take more than they give. You do not feel good when you are around them. They do not respect your boundaries. They do not respect your personal or physical space.
Possessiveness. This is not a little jealousy here and there, this is an unhealthy need to influence, control and dominate.
Asking you for inappropriate photos or videos of yourself. This is an area where children and parents have to be careful. It is so easy to take a private or compromising photo and share it with someone you think you can trust. It is as easy for the person receiving it to then share it publicly.
Threats and intimidation. In a high school environment, threatening someone that their secrets will be told, or that a rumor will be started about them is an effective way to dominate and control.
Something does not feel right
You feel you need to make excuses for them. You do not feel comfortable telling another person about their behavior. If you worry about what a third person would think or say if they knew how you are being treated, that is a sign that something is very wrong with how you are being treated!
They move from friend to friend, and seem to fall out with friends frequently. Being in conflict with multiple social groups. Finding something wrong with your friends. Not wanting to have a mutual social life. Not introducing you to their friends.
You feel emotionally exhausted after spending time with them. Thinking about them causes you stress and anxiety.
Your gut instinct is telling you the situation is problematic.
They behave one way with you in private, and another way in public.
The relationship is tumultuous from the beginning. While all relationships have difficult moments, constant drama and unresolved conflicts can be a sign of toxicity.
Impaired communication
Communication is often an issue. You are expected to always be available, while they only make time for you when it suits them. You get calls late at night or at odd hours. They demand immediate replies to their messages and expect you to always answer their call. They may disappear for long stretches of time and be unavailable on the phone. Your calls and messages will get no response. When they reappear, you are given a lazy excuse that only leaves you with more questions.
You do not feel heard nor do they give what you say importance.
Abuse
Verbal, emotional or mental abuse. This includes putting you down, speaking to you rudely, and embarrassing or disrespecting you in front of peers or friends.
Gaslighting. This is emotional manipulation used to make someone doubt their reality and memory. Kids need to know what gaslighting is and how to recognize the signs.
In a dysfunctional relationship silent treatment may also be used as a tool to manipulate.
Bullying – either in person, online, or through text messages.
Physical abuse. According to the National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey:
25.8% of women reported experiencing intimate partner violence (contact sexual violence, physical violence, and/or stalking) before they were 18 years old.
14.6% of men first experienced intimate partner violence (contact sexual violence, physical violence, and/or stalking) before the age of 18.
Addictive behaviors or substance abuse. You may be pressured to participate in these activities.
Give Your Child Support and Guidance
As parents, we can offer our children acknowledgment, acceptance and appreciation. Tell them what you appreciate and value in them. This will build their self-esteem and confidence, which will enable them to trust themselves. Trust in self plays a large part in effective decision-making. And we want them to make safe choices!
We can also guide teenagers by teaching them healthy, productive ways of expressing their feelings in a relationship. The most attainable way to do this is modeling it in our own interactions with them.
Talk to them about the kind of pressure a romantic partner may put on them. Discuss what boundaries they have set for themselves and how to enforce them. They must be assertive – the middle ground between aggression and passivity.
Finally, remind your teenager about how they deserve to be treated. Remind them that they are worthy of respect and kindness. This is important messaging that we may forget to pass on to them. All children must have the following instilled in them:
They deserve to be treated well.
An understanding of consent.
They deserve companionship, in the true sense of the word.
They deserve to live freely, without being under the compulsion of another. Do not confuse cruelty for love.
They must live in a way that is true to their authentic self, in line with their personal values. They will know they are being true to themselves when they feel comfortable, relaxed, secure, confident, free, present, and full of self-belief.
They are not to blame for another’s mistreatment of them.
They are not responsible for another’s happiness or behavior – they are responsible for themselves. They should not focus on what is going on inside their partner’s head, and instead pay attention to their own thoughts and feelings. In this way, they will gain self-awareness. They will eventually also learn how to control the way they respond to what is happening.
Simple self-care practices. Self-compassion does not come naturally for many people, especially youth. Encourage them not to judge themselves harshly, to be more tolerant of themselves, and to think about what they do and say.
They are worthy of being loved and cared for.
They do not need to put up with mistreatment from a romantic partner. There is no reason to stay in a relationship with someone who hurts them.
Emphasize, in whatever way they respond to, that they can talk to you about anything. Denying their problems will rob them of the chance to solve them.
Parents can support their teenagers by educating themselves on mental health challenges that may present in this age group. Sometimes, a child needs more support than you can offer and obtaining professional intervention is necessary. If your teen is struggling with their mental wellbeing, Trust Mental Health can help.
To learn more about therapy for adolescents or teens, please click here. We have a diverse team of compassionate, experienced therapists. We will take the time to match your child with a therapist best suited to their specific needs. Teenagers may be more comfortable talking to someone online, we also offer online therapy sessions.
FAQs
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Signs of anxiety in teenagers may include:
Trouble sleeping
Inability to relax
Worry or fears that are overwhelming
Stomach pain or digestive issues
Feeling of pervasive dread
Shortness of breath, racing heartbeat, clammy hands, trembling
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Signs of depression in teenagers vary, some common ones are:
Pervasive sadness, crying
Thoughts of death or suicide
Difficulty thinking clearly, making decisions, and concentrating
Changes in sleep pattern and appetite
Withdrawing from friends and family
Angry outbursts
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Getting your child help from a mental health professional can help with low self-esteem and self-worth, depression, anxiety, self-harm, sexual/gender identity issues, bullying, family conflict, and other varied mental health concerns.