Navigating Stages of Divorce in Family Therapy
Family therapy can be a wonderful tool to help families reconnect during times of stress or transition. However, many parents may hesitate due to the ages of their children, since they may wonder if their children are old enough to take anything away from the experience. In that regard, I want to share my perspective as someone who started family therapy at the age of six. At the age of twenty-two, I can safely say the experience of being in therapy was a game-changer for my relationship with my family members, and I believe it could help your family as well.
5 Stages of Divorce
My parents went through a divorce when my sister and I were eight and six, respectively. There were a lot of significant milestones in this time period, beginning with the announcement that they would be getting a divorce. I remember feeling confused about what a divorce meant, immediately having questions about where we would stay and why this was happening. My parents explained everything as gently as they could, but, truthfully, they did not have all the answers yet, either. They allowed my sister and me to give our input on scheduling. Being so young, we switched houses frequently–nearly every other day–and had an agreement to call the other parent every night before bed. This kept us all as connected as possible.
The next stage of divorce involved moving. My dad went to stay with my grandparents while he figured out his own living situation. Eventually, he got his own apartment, complete with the very exciting installation of bunk beds in the room I’d share with my sister. After a couple of months, my mom also moved out of our old house, because it made sense to downsize. It was helpful to have a new space to settle into–a clear separation of dad’s house and mom’s house. Our parents helped us decorate our rooms and made sure we had everything we needed as we navigated switching houses.
About a year and a half after my parents officially separated, my dad decided to get our family involved in counseling. This became my family’s next major stage of divorce. Here, we began to unpack a lot of the emotions that came up during the transition. For me, these emotions included confusion, fear, disappointment, and sadness.
In the fourth stage of divorce, navigating divorced parents became a part of my normal life. It took some time to get there. I settled into this stage around three years after the initial separation. At this time, I felt comfortable sharing that my parents were divorced. I’d settled into the routine of switching houses. I felt comfortable having divorce as a part of my life’s history, which was encouraged by my parents’ comfort with navigating the stages of divorce in their own lives. They were able to maintain emotionally regulated, calm co-parenting, which helped me feel safe in our new family dynamic.
A final stage of divorce occurred many years later. By the time I was in high school, my schedule became a lot more hectic. I was juggling several extracurricular activities, and it became hard to do so when I was switching houses every other day. I talked to my parents about making some much-needed adjustments to the schedule. They heard my concerns, and we switched to the week-on, week-off model, which felt more appropriate for my life stage. This helped me gain more one-on-one time with each of them because it decreased my need to focus on carting textbooks, papers, and sports equipment across houses daily. I’m so grateful that they were able to meet me where I needed them.
Implementing Therapy
The Decision
This suggestion came from his girlfriend at the time–who is now my stepmom–because she’d grown up with divorced parents, too. She’d found it helpful to process that experience in counseling as an adult and thought it would be wise for us all to have space to process things together, in real time.
My dad stepped into therapy with two major goals: one, to learn how to be an effective single parent, and two, to learn how to help us process our emotions about the divorce while navigating his own. The therapist was there to support him through these changes. Eventually, my mom came in for sessions as well, so we could explore more of what it meant to act as a family while having unmarried parents.
What Sessions Looked Like
The therapist often utilized play therapy— she’d discuss things with me while I colored or played with toys. She also read books about the stages of divorce out loud so we could discuss them. She helped me understand that the divorce happened because of a rupture in Mom and Dad’s relationship, but that it didn’t mean that they do not love each other anymore, or that they do not love me or my sister— a difficult but crucial concept to grasp at a young age.
During sessions with the whole family, we would often take turns talking about our feelings while our therapist would generate a list of what we discussed on a large poster board. This way, we could take it home and continue to talk about our takeaways throughout the week. This list helped us keep sight of what we were working toward and why it mattered.
Open Communication
My parents were open about what they were taking away from the therapy sessions. This helped me get used to pausing and thinking about what I was learning as well. My dad’s quick implementation of therapy skills helped us understand that the things we learned in therapy were important. For example, whenever we had conversations about conflicts, we would all lay on his bed in a triangle shape, because he’d learned in therapy that it was important to resolve conflict while on the same physical level as the people you were talking to (i.e. if one person sits, everyone should sit). He would also have check-ins about how we felt about therapy, so we could practice voicing our authentic opinions about the experience. He even generalized skills used to process the stages of divorce to help support us through other life challenges, such as academic troubles or miscommunication.
How This Experience Influences Me Now
Family therapy helped my family build an incredible foundation for open, loving communication. Today, I feel confident when turning to my parents for emotional support, because they have learned to listen to and validate my feelings throughout the years we have spent in family therapy together. Our relationship maintains a level of warmth that would likely be lost without our time in therapy, because of the extent to which therapeutic skills have impacted our communication styles. We’ve proven that we could explore the stages of divorce together in a healthy way, which has set us up to work through other transitions as well.
Additionally, as our family has grown with the addition of a step-mom, a step-father, and three new step-brothers, my family has been able to maintain that same openness. We’ve been able to build a larger, more loving family over the past decade and a half as we’ve welcomed new sources of love and connection in our lives. These conflict-resolution skills have helped us show up for one another in loving, fulfilling ways.
How to Introduce Family Therapy to Your Family
Explaining therapy to the young people in your family may be challenging. It could be helpful to tell your young children that you are going to go to a special kind of doctor who helps you talk about your big feelings. This could help them understand that they are seeing someone professional, which could help instill trust in that relationship, and that they have a safe space for feelings, which could help them feel prepared for the first session. You can also let them know that these will be regular appointments and a routine for this space.
I would recommend trying to make this experience as fun as possible by using positive reinforcers. Talking about emotions can feel really overwhelming, especially at a young age. A fun family activity may help your child feel relaxed after all of that stress. For example, you could utilize group activities to help your child transition from a therapeutic setting to your typical home setting. This could mean stopping for ice cream, going to the park, or watching a favorite show together after therapy.
If you feel like you and your family would benefit from family therapy, reach out to us here at Trust Mental Health. We want to support you and your family as you navigate any kind of challenge. Our therapists speak sixteen different languages, so we can ensure that your therapist will be able to communicate with you and your family in the language that you use to process emotions. Reach out for a free 15 minute consultation today.
Key Points
There are numerous stages of divorce that may differ depending on your role in the family. Open communication to help your family members process these stages as they come up.
Family therapists are trained to offer clients age-appropriate therapy techniques to help everyone get the most out of the experience.
Family therapy can help families work through any kind of conflict or challenge, such as divorce, moving, grief, or anything else that impacts the unit as a whole.
FAQs
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The goals of family therapy may vary depending on the specific needs of the family, but common objectives include improving communication, resolving conflicts, strengthening family bonds, fostering understanding and empathy among family members, and addressing issues such as addiction, mental health disorders, or major life transitions.
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The duration of family therapy can vary depending on the complexity of the issues, the willingness of family members to participate, and the therapeutic approach used. Some families may see progress in a few sessions, while others may require longer-term therapy lasting several months or even years.
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Research suggests that family therapy can be highly effective in improving family relationships, resolving conflicts, and addressing various mental health and behavioral issues. However, the success of therapy depends on factors such as the motivation of family members, the quality of the therapeutic relationship, and the consistency of attendance and participation in therapy sessions.