Stages of Grief During a Breakup
A breakup is a challenging experience that can trigger a range of intense emotions. It can make you feel overwhelmed and confused. Understanding the stages of grief during a breakup can provide insights into and help you cope with your feelings more effectively. Many individuals go through stages of grief that guide the healing process. I definitely identified with all the stages of grief as I mourned the end of my relationship. It is important to note that whether you were married for 6 days, 6 months, 6 years, or 60 years, you have every right to grieve.
Experiencing a breakup can be incredibly challenging and have a profound impact on your mental health.
HOW A BREAK UP IMPACTS YOUR MENTAL HEALTH
Please note that the impact of a breakup on mental health varies from person to person and depends on several factors such as the duration of the relationship, the circumstances of the breakup, and individual coping mechanisms.
A Sense of loss
A break up is the loss of a significant relationship, and the more it meant to you, the more the end of it will hurt. As with any loss, you will feel grief. It is okay to take the time to mourn for what you have lost, and to validate your feelings of sadness and pain. The emotional distress of a break up can affect your emotional and mental wellbeing.
Identity
The relationships you have can inform a large part of what you see as your identity. Before the break up you were one half of a partnership, a couple. Now you may feel suddenly alone. You will miss the companionship and intimacy you got from your relationship. Losing a deep intimate attachment is challenging. You may wonder what is your place in the scheme of things without having this relationship as a part of your life and identity. It can cause confusion and uncertainty about where to go from here and your future. The daily patterns you were used to will be changing, and you may feel a sense of emptiness and fear of the unknown. If you had mutual friends and social networks, it may be awkward to navigate your place now that the dynamics are different.
Self-worth
Dealing with a break up can have an adverse impact on how you feel about yourself. You may blame yourself and what you believe are your shortcomings. You may question your desirability, how loveable you are, and the value that you add and bring to the table. Feelings of rejection can erode self-confidence. You may also feel inadequate and doubt yourself. Something like a break up can make you wonder how good your judgment is and how well you are able to read a situation.
Triggers
Following a break up, certain songs, places, objects, or memories can trigger intense feelings, intrusive thoughts, or flashbacks. You may find yourself longing for your ex and what you had with them. Being reminded of what you had can catch you off guard. It can also make it hard to look forward and continue with your healing.
Impact on daily life
Coping with the end of a relationship can interfere with your daily functioning. It can have an affect on your sleep habits, appetite, ability to concentrate, and motivation. The effects can spill over into your other relationships, your performance at work or at school, and other responsibilities you have. The stress of trying to hold it all together can be overwhelming.
THE STAGES OF GRIEF APPLIED TO A BREAK UP
The stages of grief are fluid and not always linear. You may be in one stage and then move on to another stage. It is possible that when you are triggered, you may revert back to a stage you thought you had already passed. I often do that and then get frustrated with myself because I thought it was a setback. But then, my inner circle of support reminded me that I need to continue to be kind to myself and allow myself to work through the stages. I am forever thankful to my support group for their validation and for normalizing my feelings!
Below are the five stages of grief as applied to a break up, by Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross.
1. Denial
In the initial stages of a breakup, it is common to experience a sense of disbelief and shock. Denial acts as a defense mechanism, which allows you to gradually absorb your new reality. This is the phase where you just do not want to believe that your relationship is over. This stage often involves questioning the breakup, hoping for reconciliation, and resisting the painful truth. You hold on to fantasies that somehow the relationship can be saved and that everything will work out even though there are clear signs that this relationship is done. You may have the urge to late night text your ex, fight the urge… trust me!
2. Anger
As the reality of the breakup sets in, anger and resentment may arise. Feelings of betrayal, frustration, and unfairness can be directed at the former partner or even oneself. Your anger can also take the form of being angry with other people for still being friends with your ex or with the world for not seeing how you view the situation. This is the phase where anything and everything your ex does or did makes your blood boil! It is important to express anger in healthy ways. This could be through writing about it – either in a journal or in a letter to your ex that you do not send. Reach out and talk to someone close to you that you trust. Make sure to have your inner support circle on speed dial because you will need to call upon them to help keep you in check. There were multiple times I was on a three-hour (not an exaggeration) phone call or exchanging texts at 2 AM to help calm me down and prevent me from doing something that I would undoubtedly regret later. For example, you may feel like sending lengthy emails to your ex trying to prove how they are wrong and wanting them to know that they will not get away with it (whatever “it” may be).
Physical activity, such as sports, exercise, walking, or stretching can help you get some emotional release. Avoid unhealthy coping mechanisms such as seeking revenge, or text-bombing your ex, as these can hinder the healing process. Do not worry, everyone. This phase too shall pass. Hopefully, you will pass this stage with no regrets!
3. Bargaining
Bargaining often involves going over and over what could have been done differently or making promises of change. You may negotiate or even plead with your ex to stay in the relationship, that you will bend over backwards to make it work. You might also pray to God that you will be a better person, etc. if only it would fix your relationship. Remember, a breakup involves two people and both parties contributed in some way to the relationship ending. Be mindful of your self-talk at this stage and avoid excessive self-blame. This stage, I feel, organically overlaps with denial because you are so paralyzed with the fear of being alone, that you come up with all the compromises in the world to make the other person happy.
4. Depression
Ok, so this phase hit me really hard. I had crippling depression and anxiety to the point that I had physical manifestations like headaches, nausea, change in sleep, change in appetite, etc. This stage is painful, but I felt it was important to go through it. It is natural to undergo a deep sense of loss at the end of a relationship. You are mourning the dreams, plans, and the future you thought you had. I sat with my emotions a lot. I am so thankful for my family and friends who did not tell me to “get over it” or “snap out of it”. Instead, they reached out to me, sat with me, binged-watched Netflix shows with me, and treated me to avocado rolls and other carbs. They encouraged me to go out but also respected my space when I did not have the emotional or physical capacity to get out of bed.
At this stage, you must prioritize self-care, seek support from loved ones, and consider professional help such as individual therapy if the depressive symptoms persist or worsen.
5. Acceptance
Finally, as time passes, acceptance gradually emerges. This is where you can exhale. It may not look like rainbows and butterflies, but rather it is the stage where you are ready to close that chapter of your life.
This is where you let go and move on. Here, you have processed the reality of the breakup.
This is where you embrace your new life and make it work. You have dealt with the painful emotions, and can embrace the space for personal growth.
This stage too, will have its ups and downs and glimpses of other stages may make an appearance - but you will get through it. Now you can envision a life without your ex. This thought will no longer fill you with dread, but rather brings you a sense of relief. This does not mean you will not feel sad about the end of the relationship, but your sadness (or resentment, etc) not taking over your life anymore. The grieving process no longer interferes with your daily functioning. You are finally able to make peace and say hello to the new you!
Again, it is important to understand that this process may not always be linear, that it will take time, and that you may take two steps forward and then a step back- and that it is okay. I was, and am, constantly reminded by my inner circle that you cannot fast forward and so you have to be kind to yourself and allow yourself the time to heal. I can tell you that, though it sounds cliché, things do get better with time. You just have to be patient.
If you are seeking professional help, Trust Mental Health can match you with a professional therapist that can help you with relationship therapy and working through the stages of grief. Our therapists come from a wide array of backgrounds and can speak many languages. We have therapy all across California, including trauma therapy in San Jose and therapy in Fremont. Set up a free consultation with us to learn more.
FAQs
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The stages of grief, proposed by psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, typically include denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. It's important to note that these stages are not necessarily linear; one can cycle back and forth through different stages at different times.
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This can vary significantly from person to person. The length of time you spend in each stage depends on various factors. These include the length and intensity of the relationship, personal resilience, support networks, and previous experience with loss. Some people may spend weeks or months in a particular stage, while others may cycle through the stages more quickly. There is no "normal" timeline for grief.
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This is okay. Grief is not a linear process and everyone experiences it differently. Some people may skip stages entirely, while others may move back and forth between them. If you feel stuck, it may be helpful to seek support from a mental health professional.
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Yes, this can happen, especially if you're in a situation where the end of the relationship seems inevitable. You might begin grieving the loss of the relationship even while it's still technically ongoing. Remember, everyone grieves differently and at their own pace. If you're struggling with a breakup, don't hesitate to seek professional help.
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It can be helpful to seek support from trusted friends, family, or a mental health professional. Other strategies include self-care practices like exercise, meditation, or journaling. Set small, achievable goals for yourself, and gradually re-engage with activities and people you enjoy. It is okay to take time to heal and process your emotions.
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Acceptance doesn't necessarily mean that you are completely over the breakup, but rather that you have come to terms with the reality of the situation. You might still feel sad, but you are able to move forward and start thinking about your future without your partner.