The Effects of Divorce on Your Child and Supporting Them Through It
Divorce can is a scary and tumultuous time for children to navigate. It can put them in the middle of an emotionally charged conflict, create feelings of abandonment, and strain their relationship with both or one of their parents. While adults may grapple with their own emotional upheavals, the effects of divorce on children's mental health, emotional wellbeing, and daily functioning are profound and long-lasting.
There are various aspects to how divorce affects children. Parents, caregivers, and therapists can support and guide young people through this difficult experience.
HOW DIVORCE IMPACTS CHILDREN
Divorce is an emotional and confusing process for both adults and children. It can have a significant impact on your emotional, mental, physical, and financial well-being. When parents decide to part ways, children are often confronted with a whirlwind of emotions. Feelings of fear, anger, sadness, confusion, and abandonment can engulf them. Children often worry about how they can help their parents reconcile. Research shows that children whose parents are divorced are more likely to exhibit emotional and psychological distress than those whose parents are together.
Altered Daily Routines and Living Arrangements
Divorce inevitably brings about significant changes in children's daily routines and living arrangements. Adjusting to two separate households, different rules, and possibly changing schools can disrupt a child’s sense of stability and cause stress. This disruption may manifest in sleep disturbances, mood swings, and difficulties in adjusting to the new norm.
Mental and Emotional Impact
Anger is often a gatekeeper emotion, behind it can lie hurt, guilt or fear. Young people may be angry or resentful towards one or both parents, a sibling, or about the circumstances in general. Children may resort to acting out as a way to cope with the emotional upheaval they are experiencing. Behavioral changes such as aggression, defiance, or withdrawal might be observed.
The emotional turmoil triggered by divorce can lead to various mental health issues in children. As most children believe they are at the center of their parents’ world, they may feel that the family situation is their fault. There is an increased risk of depression and anxiety among children of divorced parents. The emotional strain, if left unaddressed, can cause issues that persist into adulthood and influence their future relationships and overall wellbeing.
Below are common signs of stress in young children and adolescents. Watch out for these in your child.
Signs of stress in young children:
Clinginess
Aggression
Restlessness
Frequently expressing fear or worry
Physical ailments such as stomachaches
Reduced concentration
Disruption in sleeping and eating patterns
Signs of stress in adolescents:
Withdrawing
Isolating themselves from friends and family
Disruption in sleeping and eating patterns
Frequent physical ailments, such as stomachaches or headaches
Prolonged low or negative mood
Reckless behavior
Low self-esteem
Anxiety
Increased irritability
You must differentiate between normal emotional reactions and persistent behavioral or emotional issues. If you notice significant changes in your children's behavior or emotions, consider seeking professional support. Child therapists can offer a neutral space for your child to talk about and explore their feelings and concerns. Professional guidance can help them navigate through the challenges of divorce more effectively.
Trouble at School
Managing the stress of divorce along with the demands of school may prove too much for some children. They may get into conflict with friends, peers, or withdraw completely. They may lose the desire to participate in sports or social activities.
The emotional toll of divorce can significantly impact a child's academic performance. The stress, anxiety, and distraction they experience can lead to lack of motivation, difficulties with concentration, and therefore poor grades. Kids may be disengaged from school, their friends, and have little interest in studying or completing homework. You may notice that your child is not performing as they usually do or has a sudden drop in grades.
Impact on Relationships
Divorce can have far-reaching effects on children's relationships, both within the family and beyond. In some cases, children might develop trust issues or struggle to form secure attachments. Witnessing conflict between parents can instil negative communication patterns. These factors can pose obstacles to forming healthy relationships in adulthood.
HOW YOU CAN HELP YOUR CHILD
Children need significant support during this difficult time. The way you handle the divorce and co-parent with your ex-partner can significantly impact your children's emotional wellbeing. You have a vital role in nurturing your child’s emotional wellbeing and guiding them through the process of divorce. While this presents challenges, it also provides an opportunity for children to develop coping mechanisms and resilience. They will largely learn to do this by observing you. Your responses and how you self-soothe and regulate your emotions are key to this process.
Open and Honest Communication
From the moment you decide to separate, maintain open and honest communication with your children. Give them age-appropriate information about the divorce. Reassure them that it is not their fault. This is not as simplistic as just telling them, “It’s not your fault.” Based on their age, you will need to give them more than that. Talk to them about blame, self-blame, and guilt. Explain, according to their age, that things happen between adults that are not because of something that children have done. Encourage them to ask questions and express their feelings. Listen to them without judgment. Be patient and understanding, as they may need time to process the news.
Avoid speaking negatively about your ex-partner in front of your children. Talking badly about your ex or portraying them in a bad light can have a detrimental impact on your child’s emotional wellbeing. It can lead to feelings of guilt, confusion, even low self-esteem. Remember, your child is a part of both of you and so may internalize your criticism of their other parent. Instead, focus on cooperative co-parenting and respectful interactions.
Provide Stability and Routine
Divorce can disrupt a child's sense of stability and security. Maintaining routines can help create a sense of normalcy amid the upheaval. Consistent mealtimes, bedtimes, and activities gives children structure in their lives, which reduces anxiety and uncertainty.
Your Relationship with Your Child
A healthy parent-child relationship makes all the difference in a child's life. During a divorce, your children need your love, affection, time, and attention. They need to know that amidst all the change and turmoil, you are constant. They need an anchor, security, and reassurance – all of which must come from you. Your consistent presence will provide them with a strong support system to lean on.
Show up and Be Present
Be physically and emotionally present in your children’s lives. Do things together, initiate conversations, and participate in their interests. Be where you said you are going to be at the time you said you will be there. Put reminders in your calendar or phone about dates or upcoming events that are important to your child.
You will need to be supportive, patient, and encourage open communication. Let your children know that it is okay to feel and express sadness, anger, confusion, or any other emotion during this time. Create a safe space for them to express their feelings without fear of judgment. Listen actively and validate their emotions by telling them that their feelings are valid, heard, and understood.
Create New Family Traditions
Divorce may lead to changes in family dynamics, but it also presents an opportunity to create new traditions and memories. Come up with new family routines or activities that your children can look forward to, and include them in the brainstorming process. This will help them embrace the present, feel safe, and be hopeful about the future.
Look After Yourself
Divorce takes a lot out of you, physically, emotionally, mentally, even financially. One of the ways to ensure that you can be there for your child is to take care of yourself as best you can. This means building the basics of self-care – proper diet, plenty of sleep, and moderate exercise – into your daily life.
Your Relationship with Your Ex
If possible, try to maintain a positive relationship with your ex-spouse. This is essential to co-parenting. A cordial, cooperative relationship will have trickle-down benefits for your children. Maintaining consistent rules, routines, and discipline between households can provide children with a sense of stability.
Support your children's relationship with your ex-partner by encouraging regular visits and communication. Avoid putting them in the middle of conflicts or using them as messengers between you and your ex-partner. Allow them to love both of their parents freely and unconditionally.
Getting Help
The ways in which divorce is dealt with varies from child to child. Some children might show more signs of distress than others. A strong support network comprised of parents, family, and friends is integral to the wellbeing of children and young people dealing with their parents’ divorce.
If you would like to talk about how your child is managing during or after your divorce, consider seeking the help of a therapist. Trust Mental Health therapists are experienced in working with families and in relationship counseling. Family therapy offers support and guidance. It can give you the skills and language you need to validate your child’s feelings and provide them reassurance.
Additionally, we offer child therapy and therapy for teens. This kind of care can aid in emotional recovery. A mental health professional will work with your child to help them build resilience and adapt to their new circumstances.
Our team of BIPOC therapists come from a variety of backgrounds and have an understanding of varied cultural backgrounds. We will work with you and/or your child and provide the skills and tools needed to cope, heal, and grow. Contact us today for a free 15 minute consultation.
FAQs
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Divorce can have various emotional impacts on children, including feelings of sadness, confusion, anger, anxiety, and a sense of loss. Children may also experience changes in behavior, academic performance, and social interactions.
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Children may exhibit changes in behavior such as regression (in younger children e.g., bedwetting), increased defiance, aggression, withdrawal from activities or friends, or difficulty concentrating at school.
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Effective co-parenting involves good communication, setting aside personal conflicts, and prioritizing the best interests of the child. Create a co-parenting plan that outlines responsibilities and visitation schedules, and be flexible when necessary.
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Yes, therapy can be incredibly helpful for children during and after divorce. A therapist can provide a safe space for children to express their feelings and concerns and help them develop coping strategies.