Love Languages Aren’t Just For Your Partner
Exploring Love Languages with Friends and Family
When I was in elementary school, my dad and my step-mom read Gary Chapman’s The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate. They wanted to use this book to help them grow closer and express their love for each other in a way that the other person would understand. My parents wanted to use the teachings in the book to improve our connection as a family, as well. In knowing each other’s love languages, we were able to connect with one another more deeply and intuitively, in a way that eventually became second nature.
My stepmom’s love language is very clearly acts of service, meaning she feels most loved when others do small things to make her life easier. On the flip side, she also expresses love by doing things for others. Understanding her love language gave me a deeper appreciation for her growing up. She wasn’t just making dinner, doing laundry, or cleaning up after us because she felt responsible for that—she did those things because she loved us and wanted us to know it. On the flip side, when she would ask me to unload the dishwasher, make my bed, or fold the laundry, I understood that my chores weren’t just about teaching me life skills—this was how I could show her that I loved her.
My dad and I have the same primary love language: physical touch. When I was younger, my dad used to give my sister and me extra long hugs when he got home from work. “I need to get my love buckets filled again,” he’d joke. However, there was some truth in that, because hugs did represent a way for him to feel connected to us after spending the day apart. For this reason, I never stopped giving him hugs in front of my friends when he dropped me off at school, came to a swim meet, or took me to a school event. I knew that those little points of contact were important to us both.
Growing up in a family that openly discussed ways to appreciate one another was a very special experience, and has taught me how to be a better friend and partner. As I deepen my relationships with other loved ones, I often bring up the framework of love languages as a way to understand them more deeply and, perhaps more importantly, understand how I can show them how much I care about them. If you’re not familiar with all the love languages, here’s a brief overview:
The Five Love Languages
Quality time:
someone with this love language would feel most loved when someone carves out time for them to spend together. They will also show their love by making time for you in their schedule. Some idea for implementing this love language may include scheduling time for a family/friend group movie or game night each week. Ask that anyone in the group who has a cell phone turn it off during this event, so that everyone can feel fully engaged and present. Alternatively, you may opt to have dinners at the table as a family some nights, as this can ensure that everyone has time to hear about each other’s days. Being able to share can help draw everyone closer, even if this isn’t your personal love language.
Words of affirmation:
someone with this love language would feel most loved when they receive verbal compliments. They will also show their love by being free with their own verbal praise for people who are important to them. You may choose to implement a ritual around giving shout-outs to family members. This could become something you share together over a meal, or you could stick notes of affirmation to the refrigerator. For friend groups, this may be done best in a group chat or in a private message. You could also make a game out of it, where each person draws a name out of a hat and writes that person a heartfelt message.
Physical touch:
someone with this love language would feel most loved when someone engages in physical contact with them, such as hand holding, hugging, or back rubs. They will also show their love by initiating physical contact with a loved one. You may opt for a ritual of hugging someone with this love language as a greeting. If hugs are not comfortable for someone, they may opt for a special handshake, fist bump, or high-five as a greeting. When you’re on a walk together, this person may appreciate having someone hold their hand, put an arm around them, or even just lean close to them. In a platonic setting, this may also look like leaning your head on someone’s shoulder while they talk.
Gifts:
someone with this love language would feel most loved when someone buys or makes them a gift of some sort. They will also show their love by gifting something meaningful to a loved one. This love language can be a fun way to bring crafts into your family or friendship! You may make a point to create something nice for this family member once a week or once a month. It may also help to frame little things as “gifts,” even if it’s just that you picked up this person’s favorite snack from the store. Coming in the door and saying, “I have a surprise for you!” may help them feel cared for.
Acts of Service:
someone with this love language would feel most loved when someone helps take something off their plate, such as taking care of a chore or even planning a date. They will also show their love by doing things for the people that they care about. It may be helpful to look at family responsibilities through this lens, as I did in my family. If you have a chore chart in your house, you could add a note on it that says “Doing your chores helps [family member’s name] feel loved!” You may also take on the responsibility of planning something nice for this person since planning things can take a lot of emotional labor. In friendships, this may look like helping someone fold some laundry, tend to their garden, cook a meal, or complete another task together.
Note: Before moving on, I do want to mention that the love languages ideology is not scientifically backed. You may meet people who feel like they show love one way and receive it another. You may also meet people who don’t feel like any of the five love languages really fit them. All of this is okay, and it may even be a fun way to open up an in-depth discussion about how to show up for one another.
How to Implement The Love Languages Within Your Family and Friendships
Talk openly about the idea of love languages. Introduce this idea in an age-appropriate way. You might explain that knowing someone’s love language can help you show up for them in a kind, thoughtful way. You can talk about how we all deserve to feel loved, but we don’t always show love in the same ways, so talking about what love looks like for each of us can be a helpful place to start.
Begin to determine each other’s love languages. One helpful way to do this can be through a this or that style question. For example, Are you more likely to feel loved if someone says something nice about you or if someone gets you a treat from the grocery store? This way, the individual can weigh two specific options, rather than trying to evaluate their feelings about all five options at once. After you have an idea about how someone receives love, you may want to ask about how they show love. You could do this through a similar question style (When you love someone, are you more likely to do something nice for them without being asked or give them a hug?) or you could simply begin by asking whether they think their giving love language is the same as their receiving love language. It may even be helpful to bring up memories of times when you felt loved by your family members. Feel free to have fun with this conversation!
Talk about how you can demonstrate each other’s love languages in your day-to-day life. As I mentioned above, in my family, this involved a reframe of how chores looked: instead of viewing them as an inconvenience, I began to understand them as a way to demonstrate my love and appreciation for my stepmom. Above, you can find some more examples about how to implement each love language into your relationships.
Demonstrating a commitment to showing love in your family will help make you all closer.
If you are looking to build a stronger connection between yourself and your partner, relationship counseling may be a good option for you. The professional counselors at Trust Mental Health can help you learn more about love languages and healthy communication within your relationship. We offer relationship counseling in California. If you are looking to implement love languages across your entire family, Trust Mental Health also offers affordable couples therapy or family therapy in eighteen different languages. Contact us today for a free 15-minute consultation.
Key Points
The five love languages are acts of service, gifts, physical touch, quality time, and words of affirmation.
The love languages are not scientifically backed, but they can foster a conversation that can help you learn about yourself and the significant people in your life.
There are many ways to implement love languages in your daily life. These actions can help you show your loved ones how much they mean to you in a way that will resonate with them.
FAQs
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Signs that your relationship could benefit from relationship counseling include feeling disconnected, struggling to communicate openly and clearly, recurring arguments about the same topics, or needing help balancing your relationship in addition to your other priorities.
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Talking to your children about counseling can feel like an overwhelming or daunting task. It can be helpful to share that counseling is meant to be a space where they can share their thoughts and feelings, and they will be met with support. It may also be helpful to explain that a counselor can help teach them new tools and skills to use when they are feeling strong, difficult emotions.
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At Trust Mental Health, couples therapy and family counseling come under our umbrella of relationship counseling. Our therapists are experienced in both couples therapy and family counseling and provide therapeutic services for a variety of interpersonal dynamics and relationships. With us, you will learn tools that will allow you to build, nurture, and maintain functional relationships.