Your Attachment Style and How it Affects Your Relationships
You may have heard of the term ‘attachment styles’ as it has become increasingly popular. In fact, you could say it is trending. There are more conversations around how our attachment styles as adults play a role in the outcomes of our relationships. Learning about the dynamics of adult attachment may prove useful in maintaining and nurturing your relationships. Research proposes that attachment styles affect your behavior in an intimate relationship. Understanding your and your partner’s style may help you improve your relationship.
What are Attachment Styles?
Attachment styles are modes of behavior that people follow when in a romantic relationship. Your attachment style will affect how you perceive and respond to your relationship. It will influence what you expect from your partner, your attitude towards sex and intimacy, how you manage conflict, how well you communicate, and how you feel about an intimate partnership. There are three main attachment styles, Secure, Anxious, and Avoidant.
The three main types of attachment styles
Secure
If you have a secure attachment style, you will be comfortable with intimacy and all that it requires and provides. You will enjoy being in a relationship and are able to freely express warmth and love. You communicate your wants and needs in an effective manner. You are attuned to your partner and respond to their emotional signals. You maintain emotional and mental closeness with your partner. You offer your partner emotional support and show up. In the same way, you are receptive to support and care from your partner. People with secure attachment styles do not expend a lot of time or energy worried or stressed about their relationship. Research has shown that those with a secure attachment style have higher relationship satisfaction. In fact, one of the main predictors of success and happiness in a relationship is a secure attachment style.
Anxious
If you have an anxious attachment style, you will be insecure in your relationship and of your partner’s feelings for you. Though you are capable of closeness, you have an underlying concern that your partner does not want the same degree of intimacy as you do. You spend a lot of energy worrying about the status of your bond with your partner.
An anxiously attached person is highly aware of shifts in their partner’s demeanor. They tend to take their partner’s moods and behaviors personally. Due to this, you can act out. For example, you may act cold and distant, pick a fight, say you are leaving, etc. You need a lot of reassurance from your partner. Once you receive this, your nerves around the relationship will settle down.
Avoidant
If your attachment style is avoidant, you will find intimacy stifling and will try to reduce the amount of closeness in your relationship. Your independence is of utmost importance to you, and you see growing intimacy as an end to that. You are not comfortable with intimacy and all that it provides and requires. You do not confide in your partner and tend to keep them at a distance. You are suspicious, worried about being taken advantage of, and emotionally aloof.
How Did I Get My Attachment Style?
It was originally assumed that a person’s attachment style was solely influenced by their upbringing. A child’s relationship with its parents was thought to determine their attachment style in their adult relationships. While the way you were parented does have an effect, we now know that attachment styles are also affected by personality, life events, and other factors.
Recognizing Attachment Styles
Having an appreciation of attachment styles can give you insight when meeting new people and also within your relationship. Being aware of your own and your partner’s attachment style can help you understand yourself and them better. It will help you navigate and respond to certain elements of intimacy.
Secure Attachment Style
A partner with a secure style will be a skilled communicator. They will clearly tell you about any issues they find in your relationship. They do not expect you to read their mind, and are receptive to hearing your concerns. They are comfortable talking about the relationship and where it is (or is not) going.
A secure partner has no need for game playing. They make equal efforts and are willing to reach compromises. They are not concerned with proving you wrong, and want to get down to the bottom of the issue.
They will not feel that a relationship takes their independence. They will not be territorial of their time, space, or energy. Your relationship will not be a chore or duty to them - they are in it because they are open to it. Getting closer and togetherness does not put them off. They are expressive of their feelings towards you and do not mind providing reassurance.
A secure partner will show up – for themselves and for their relationship. They will be there for you when you need them. You can depend on them. They follow through and do what they say they are going to do. Decisions regarding your partnership, plans, etc., are made by the both of you. You find that with them, you can be your true self.
Anxious Attachment Style
An anxious partner has a degree of insecurity or angst around your relationship. They are unsure of your feelings for them or of your commitment. They are sensitive to rejection, and crave intimacy and physical affection. They spend a lot of their mental and emotional energy on your relationship. They worry that little things will harm your relationship and are highly concerned about keeping your interest. Anxious partners engage in game playing in order to keep your interest and to make it seem like they are not as available. For example, they will not return your call, they will say they are busy when they are not, or they will act indifferent.
An anxious partner may be suspicious or doubtful of your feelings towards them. They may be preoccupied with your ex, and ask you about the depth of feeling you had (or still have) for your ex. They may also have a niggling fear that you are cheating on them.
Since they do not have the skills to communicate what they need or what is bothering them, people with anxious attachment styles can come with some drama. They are prone to acting out – leaving the conversation, not calling back, etc. They take your behavior personally. For example, if you cannot attend an event they have invited you to they will see it as, “You do not want to hang out with my friends.” If you are tired and cannot engage in meaningful conversation they will see it as, “You are getting bored of me.”
When you provide them the security and reassurance they need, their sensitivity towards you can actually benefit your relationship. Their need for intimacy can lead to dedication and improved communication.
Avoidant Attachment Style
An avoidant partner clearly establishes their boundaries in a relationship. They may be territorial over their friends, their time, and their energy. They are very concerned with maintaining their independence. If you do not go along with their requirement for space, they will isolate from you.
Avoidant people are on the alert in a relationship for manipulation and are vigilant to being taken advantage of. They keep their partners at a distance and find ways to maintain a gap in intimacy. For example, they walk ahead of you, they are aloof but then at times they are open, their actions do not match their words, or they demean you in little ways. They have a history of being unfaithful.
They give you mixed signals and you are unsure of their intentions towards you and your relationship. You find it difficult to discuss your relationship and your future with them. You know that you cannot broach certain topics with them at all. Avoidant partners cannot deal with conflict well and often storm out or blow-up mid-argument.
According to Dr. Amir Levine, author of Attached: Are you Anxious, Avoidant or Secure?, there are five rules for figuring out attachment styles. These are outlined in the table below.
| Deciphering Attachment Styles |
|---|
| Determine whether they are looking for intimacy and closeness. |
| Assess how preoccupied they are with the relationship and how sensitive they are to rejection. |
| Don’t rely on one sign, look for various signs. |
| Assess their reaction to effective communication. |
| Listen and look for what they are not saying or doing. |
Source: Levine and Heller, 2010
How Does My Attachment Style Affect My Relationship?
Reflect on all the romantic partners you have had. For each partner, think about the following:
What was your relationship like?
What dynamics were at play?
What things, good or bad, stand out the most?
Try and remember specific instances in which your attachment style came out:
What was your response?
What were you feeling at the time?
How did your response either hurt you or help you?
It may help if you write this down or make a table you can fill in. Review what you have written and see if you can identify any patterns that do not serve you. When you understand your own attachment style, and can identify the attachment style of your partner, you can work toward greater relationship satisfaction.
If you are struggling in your relationship or would like to work toward strengthening it, consider relationship counseling. Here at Trust Mental Health we have a team of BIPOC therapists who are experienced in working with both couples and individuals. Contact us for a free 15 minute consultation. We are accepting new clients with 48 hours. Our sessions are conducted either in-person or online, via telehealth.