Your Partner and Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Narcissistic Abuse Explained
Narcissistic Personality disorder (NPD) presents in ways in which the person affected has an inflated sense of importance and entitlement, lack of empathy, and an inability to make healthy interpersonal connections. The disorder is characterized by the person’s insecurities, need for attention and admiration and the absolute destruction they cause in the lives of those most vulnerable and close to them, their partner and children.
In this article we will discuss narcissistic personality disorder in a romantic partner - a spouse, boyfriend, or girlfriend.
Individuals with NPD possess neither self-awareness nor the ability for introspection. They perpetrate emotional, mental, verbal, and financial abuse on their partner. To wear down their victim narcissistic abusers use the following tactics:
Gaslighting - Making another person doubt their understanding and memory of a situation. A person who is consistently gaslighted begins to lose confidence in their assessment of and responses to circumstances. They feel that they cannot rely on their perception of reality and believe their judgment is questionable.
To gaslight their victim, a narcissist may say things like:
“I never said that.”
“You need help.”
“You’re always bringing up the past.”
“You’re a liar.”
“Believe what you want, you’re always wrong.”
“You have no logic.”
“You make me do these things.”
Word salad – This is another technique of gaslighting. During a discussion, the narcissist will evade, deflect, project blame, talk in circles, deny, lie, distract, and prevent the conversation from advancing. It is frustrating and confusing trying to talk to someone who is doing this.
Distraction – When directly confronted with something they have done, like cheating on their partner, the narcissist will often project what they are being blamed for back onto the victim, or onto a third person. They will say anything - bring up the past, play the victim - in order to thwart the conversation.
Triangulation – They bring in a third person, give them their twisted side of the story, present things out of context, lie to gain control of the narrative, all the while painting themselves as the victim. They do this to gain credibility and further make their victim look and feel like they are always wrong.
Narcissists gain control and power over others in many ways. The methods they use are like relationship terrorism and include (but are not limited to):
Silent treatment – acting as if the other person does not exist.
Stonewalling – being unresponsive in a conversation, repeatedly shutting down attempts at communication or reconciliation.
Isolating their victim from family and friends.
Punishment – spiteful ways of getting back at one’s partner when they do not ‘behave’.
Manipulating pity or guilt – using their partner’s good nature against them.
Future faking – making promises of better times and changed behavior that they do not keep.
Love bombing – drawing a person back in through excessive gestures/words of affection and care.
Withholding attention, love, acknowledgement, appreciation, gratitude.
Disturbing their partner’s sleep and rest when they can. This is an assertion of their dominance and ownership over another.
Treat their partner well depending on how ‘good’ their partner has been.
Intimidation – they bluster and bluff, through ultimatums, threats, and interrogation.
Taking away their partner’s independence by
withholding resources, like money
restricting physical freedom
Narcissists are bullies and demand submission from their partners. They have great difficulty accepting no for an answer, and denial of their wishes can often lead to explosive anger (their belligerent nature is also reflected in the way they drive – aggressively, with little civic courtesy or regard for traffic rules).
A narcissist will insist on being the only priority for their partner, even though their partner is nowhere near a priority for them. They will go out of their way to upset their partner just before or on special occasions like birthdays, anniversaries, births (of their own children); and will provide no comfort during times of sorrow and distress.
They do not respect other people and are highly selfish. Narcissists will push others to their limits in order to get their needs met, with no concern for the other person’s comfort or feelings. They are not good listeners, interrupt a lot, and do not give weight to what others are saying. Their relationships are largely superficial and hold no benefit for anyone but themselves. They objectify others and when in a disagreement with a partner, there is no regard for their partner at all – narcissists cannot maintain positive connections during conflict.
Narcissists are hypocrites and will always put their needs and wants before their partner’s. Only their achievements are worth any mention of, and they are dismissive of others’ accomplishments and ambitions. They do not like to see others excel at anything, as this triggers their own insecurity. They have to feel superior and dominate; it is their way or nothing. A narcissist will tone this down when they are in a social arena and have to present as a good person. To maintain this mask, they will go above and beyond for some people, who may not even be close, and do for them what they would never do for their loved ones.
In order to bypass their deep sense of shame, they project blame onto others. Their sense of self-righteousness and indignance at their partner’s flaws enables their feelings of justification when they cause their partner pain. This is also why when they are on the defensive, their response is rage and attack.
A person with NPD is ruled by their ego and need for attention. Easily slighted, their reactions to conflict or offense is out of proportion to the situation. However, they readily insult and criticize their partner, with no remorse for the harmful effects of their words. Once they are over their anger, they expect their partner to go on as if nothing happened.
Due to their firm belief that they are beyond reproach, they feel entitled to get away with all they do, and never be called out for their actions. The narcissistic events – traumatic incidents that they inflict on others – are never acknowledged. If their partner, however, commits a perceived slight, mistake, or stands up for themselves, the wrath of the narcissistic injury will be upon them. Any hurt caused to them incites within them a desire for revenge, which is usually carried out in petty, vindictive ways.
A narcissist will always be able to justify mistreating their partner as in their mind, ‘You made me do it.’ While their partner is expected to overlook and forgive whatever they do and say, the narcissist does not forgive and is intolerant.
Narcissists lie and lie, and then lie some more. A conscience is not something that troubles them. If their lie is discovered, they will play innocent, deny, or lie again. They are also skillful rewriters – they rewrite mutual history as they see fit. They have no trouble blatantly flipping the story, changing facts to suit their version, and making things up. They will nurse a grudge indefinitely while expecting their partner to let go of trauma they inflict.
The narcissist gives nothing – not support, not companionship – yet they expect the entire carousel of admiration, respect and loyalty from those close to them. They are indifferent - almost impatient - with the struggle of others. Unfortunately, these disturbed individuals cannot feel unconditional love – it is all strings attached, and they will always disappoint.
For victims, the torment of narcissistic abuse results in:
anger
hurt
fear
hypervigilance/alert to threat
trapped in flight-fight-freeze response
walking on eggshells
pervasive sense of dread
confusion
brain fog
depression
anxiety
physical health problems
sleep issues
fatigue
cognitive dissonance
withdrawal
issues around food
lack of motivation
hopelessness
lack of control
dysregulated nervous system
chronic stress
Am I in a relationship with a narcissist? Here are some questions to consider:
Do you feel like you have to walk on eggshells around your partner, constantly appease or give in to them, and justify yourself?
Do conversations with them leave you confused and doubting your reality?
Do you feel safe voicing your feelings, your concerns, and expressing yourself sexually?
Do you hold back information, opinions, wants and needs for fear of provoking your partner?
Do you constantly feel like you cannot say or do the right thing – that you are always wrong?
Do you give in to things that go against your moral grain or that you just don’t want to do in order to avoid conflict?
Do you feel you are being forced to live in a way that is unauthentic and disloyal to your truth?
Do you make excuses for your partner’s absence/neglect/behavior?
Do you limit your social activity in order to keep the peace?
Do you feel safe around your partner?
Do you find yourself in thought cycles, planning and assessing ways to reduce the damage done to you?
Narcissistic abuse is insidious, unseen by outsiders, and is by its very nature, unbelievable. Much of the time, there are no physical marks. Rather, the injuries are mental and emotional – wounds to the soul. Victims are in constant disbelief over how they are treated. People may not believe their trauma as narcissists can be charismatic and know what to say and who to impress. The harmful person victims must handle and manage in the privacy of their home is not at all what the world encounters. Victims are often advised to overlook it and bear with it. Often the victim is told things like:
“It takes two to tango.”
“You must have done something to bring this on.”
“If you didn’t do xyz, they wouldn’t be provoked.”
“Try and make it work – for the sake of the children.”
What people don’t realize is that by responding in this way they are enabling the narcissist, normalizing the abuse, and adding to the cognitive dissonance and isolation of the victim.
If you wish to seek relationship therapy, couples counseling, or help in recovering from or living with narcissistic abuse, make sure you do so with a therapist who understands. Here at Trust Mental Health, we have a team of compassionate therapists from diverse backgrounds who speak numerous languages. To get started, click here and we will match you with a mental health professional who knows how to treat narcissistic abuse trauma.
References:
[1] Hall, J.L. The Narcissist in Your Life. Hachette Book Group, Inc. 2019