Are You in an Emotionally Abusive Relationship: A Guide
It is possible to be in a relationship with an abusive dynamic and not realize it. There are still some people who think that because you are not being physically abused, you are not being abused. However, emotional abuse is an invisible, insidious form of abuse. The scars it causes are on the inside – on your self-worth, your belief system, and your soul.
The effects of it can interfere in your professional or academic performance, your daily life, your relationships with others, and your relationship with yourself. Emotional abuse has negative impacts on your mental, emotional, and physical health. Many people who are emotionally abused experience chronic stress and become stuck in the stress response.
Coercive control
Emotional abuse can be a component of coercive control. Coercive control is when a person uses threat, punishment, humiliation or intimidation to dominate, hurt, or scare you. It does not necessarily involve physical abuse. For example, your partner may try to control where you go, whether you work or not, what you wear, which friends and family you meet, or check your phone.
Signs of Emotional Abuse
Emotional abuse involves a number of toxic and dysfunctional behavior patterns. These patterns include control, manipulation, and intimidation.
Demeaning and belittling you
If you feel like your partner never seems happy for you and is not encouraging of your interests and pursuits, this can indicate a problem. People who emotionally abuse others often demean, insult, or belittle them. For example, they may persistently criticize your appearance, how you dress, your intelligence, your personality, or your parenting. They diminish or downplay your accomplishments and attribute your success to anything else but your own hard work. They may also express a lack of confidence in your capabilities, and discourage you from trying to learn or try something new.
Verbal abuse
Emotional abuse has a verbal abuse component to it. This can be in the form of name-calling, insulting you, or swearing at you. It also can involve shouting at you, shaming and criticizing you.
Stonewalling
Stonewalling is basically the silent treatment. The abuser ignores your repeated attempts and pleas for reconciliation. They close themselves off from any contact with you and refuse to engage in any conversation. This makes it impossible for you to share your thoughts and feelings, your concerns, or express any emotion. When someone is stonewalling you, they act as if you are simply not there, like you are invisible.
Vindictiveness
Someone who is emotionally abusive may seek revenge against you for something you did or said that affected them adversely. There may be an element of ‘giving you a taste of your own medicine.’ They may try to ‘get back’ at you for a slight or mistake (real or perceived). This can be done in a variety of ways, ranging from petty to manipulative.
Withholding
An emotionally abusive person uses the weapons that will hurt you the most. They often withhold love, affection, attention, or finances from you. They use your need for something or dependence on them as a way to control, manipulate, or punish you. They may also withhold things that your children want or need in order to hurt you or control you. In this way, they keep you on edge, dominate you, decrease your independence, and erode your self-esteem.
Neglect
A partner that is emotionally abusive will also be largely emotionally unavailable to you. Your emotional, mental, and physical needs are neglected. They discount your feelings and opinions and will often insist on you putting your needs last. They do not take into consideration your emotional landscape and the fact that it also requires nourishment. Instead, they offer little to no support, and place no importance on your emotional or mental welfare.
Isolating you
An emotionally abusive partner will work to cut you off from your support system. They aim to reduce or sever the connection between you and those close to you. They give you reasons not to see someone, and even speak negatively about your friends or family. Sometimes, they create circumstances that will put you in a position where you have to choose between your partner and another loved one.
Blaming you
In an emotionally abusive relationship, every conflict and problem is made out to be your fault. The responsibility for a smooth relationship is solely on you. The effort is made largely by you. You are expected to accept the blame for all that goes wrong. Again, this is detrimental to your self-esteem and self-confidence.
Disturbing your sleep
As strange as this may sound, many of those who emotionally abuse their partners have something against their partner getting a good night’s sleep or even a quick nap. They set out to intentionally disturb your sleep in some way. This could be turning on the lights or opening the curtains while you are still sleeping, making noise in the room or around the house, putting the TV too loud, talking loudly on the phone, etc.
Drama
Considerable drama can arise in a relationship with an emotionally abusive dynamic. Your partner may cause a problem around important events like birthdays, anniversaries, the holidays, graduation, etc. This has in part to do with their need to control and have an effect on your emotional state.
Mistrust
A partner who is emotionally abuse may be mistrustful of you, even when you have given them no reason to be. They will weaponize their mistrust of you to manipulate you and to ensure that you are ‘behaving’ in a way they approve of. This is also linked with jealousy and possessiveness.
Disrespecting your boundaries
Maintaining healthy personal boundaries is very difficult when you are in a relationship with an emotionally abusive person. They take your enforcement of your boundaries as an affront to them. You will often feel that you are sacrificing your boundaries because you are fearful of how your partner may react. You partner may make you feel worried about what will happen to your relationship if you do not permit them to overstep your limits.
It may even get to a point where you are unsure of what your boundaries are, and how and when to enforce them.
Reactions that are out of proportion
You may find that you are constantly on edge, or ‘walking on eggshells’. This could be in part due to the fact that your partner has reactions that are out of proportion to the problem. They may have bursts of rage, frustration, or irritation. They may make sweeping statements about what they will do – and often they follow up with over-the-top responses. This keeps you in a state of alertness as to what might set them off next.
Gaslighting
This is a form of manipulation that causes damage to the victim’s self-confidence and self-esteem. Gaslighting is when you make someone doubt their sense of and grasp on reality, and their ability to perceive situations correctly.
A simple example of gaslighting is when you bring up something that your partner said or did, and they completely deny it. They then manipulate the situation to make it seem like your interpretation and experience is questionable. In this way, you are forced to go along with something that is against your beliefs or what you know to be true. When this is done repeatedly over an extended period of time, it can cause psychological distress.
Comparing You to Others
Another way that an emotionally abusive person denies your sense of self and confidence is by consistently comparing you to others. They point out what they see as your faults and compare you with someone that they supposedly think highly of. This keeps you feeling insecure, and you never really can establish where you stand in their opinion.
The Way You Feel
How do you feel when you are around your partner? Think about it. Reflect on how your emotional and mental wellness has changed since your relationship began. If your overall wellbeing has gone down, it may be time to assess how your relationship is affecting your mental and emotional health.
Are you on edge or tense around your partner?
Do you overthink what to say to your partner and how to say it because of how dismissive they are towards you?
Are you fearful of your partner’s reactions?
Are you overly vigilant or alert to your partner’s presence?
Do you feel distant or detached from friends and family?
Do you feel angry or resentful towards your partner?
Are you intimidated by your partner or the amount of control they have over you?
Do you feel bad about yourself or the way you look when you are around your partner?
How to Help Yourself
Recognize the signs
The first thing to do is educate yourself. Recognize the signs of emotional abuse and the quiet but harmful ways they can manifest. Being knowledgeable of relationship red flags will empower you with the information you need in an unhealthy situation.
Reach out for help
Confide in a close family member or friend about the situation you are in. Share with them your fears and concerns. It is important that someone close to you knows what you are dealing with and going through.
Consider joining a support group or online forum. Here you will meet others who have had similar experiences as you and that you can relate to. Someone who has been through emotional abuse and is on a journey to healing can be a resource.
Therapy, such as individual therapy or relationship counseling, can help you work through your personal struggle or challenges in your relationship.
Trust Mental Health has a team of BIPOC therapists in San Jose. We offer mental health therapy all over California, both in-person and via telehealth. Our culturally sensitive therapists speak many language and are representative of a multitude of communities. Contact us today for a free 15 minute consultation and we will match you with a therapist that you can relate to.
FAQs
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Emotional abuse is a pattern of behavior in which one person attacks and undermines another person's sense of self-worth, safety, or trust. It can leading to psychological harm and distress in the victim.
What are some signs of emotional abuse?
Some common signs of emotional abuse include:
- Belittling or constant criticism
- Control and dominance
- Isolation from friends and family
- Threats and intimidation
- Blame and guilt trips
- Withholding affection or approval as punishment
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You might constantly feel insulted, controlled, or scared. You find that you often must walk on eggshells, and are fearful of what may happen if you expressing your feelings or disagreements. You may not feel very good about yourself, and may also have symptoms of anxiety or depression.
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Healing often involves therapy, counseling, support groups, and building a strong support system of friends and family. Time, self-care, and setting healthy boundaries are also essential.