Your First Year of Marriage: Why Is it Hard?
The first year of married life can be a year full of joy and wonderment. It can also be a time of adjustment, compromise, and frustration. For many people, the first year of married life can be a confusing mix of both. You may have heard that the first year of marriage is the ‘honeymoon phase.’ People think it should be a time of wedded bliss, lots of sex, and fun. It can be this way for some couples. For many others, however, the first year of marriage is an incredibly challenging time.
Disillusionment
Being married is different than just being in a relationship. People often believe that if they have lived together before marriage, things will continue in the same way after. However, this is not always the case.
Before you get married there is a big build up to the event. Couples are occupied with planning their wedding. There is an air of excitement and expectation in the air. You and your spouse have a day that is solely for you. But after the wedding and honeymoon, there can be a sense of let down for some couples. Suddenly there is an empty space that was once taken up by ‘the event’. People may blame this feeling of emptiness and let-down on the state of being married.
People also mention a feeling of disillusionment with marriage. They may have expectations that their marriage falls short of. For example, you may have thought that you will finally be happy once you are married. When you do get married and this does not happen, it is disappointing. Or, you may believe that once you are married, your depression will go away. What you may not realize is that the personal issues you struggled with before marriage do not get erased when you get married. Actually, for some people, the issues or conditions that they were dealing with prior to getting married get amplified after.
Additionally, you may have had a picture of how your marriage should look. If your reality does not match what you imagined, it can be a bit of a let down. It can be difficult not to compare your relationship with that of your married peers.
In-Laws
A spouse usually comes with a set of in-laws. For some, fitting in and being accepted by their partner’s family is smooth. For others, it can be a tense and stressful time. Getting used to the patterns and dynamics of another family can pose a challenge. There may be family traditions that you have to adjust to. Your spouse may have certain duties or commitments to their family that you will have to work around.
Additionally, you may struggle to establish and maintain healthy boundaries with your in-laws. Your spouse may have trouble doing this with their own family too.
Finances
One of the main issues that newlyweds and veteran couples both deal with are conflicts about finances. For many newlyweds, this is the first time that they are combining their finances or making joint financial decisions. You and your spouse may not agree on financial goals and priorities or on spending habits. Money can become a bone of contention.
Adjusting to Each Other
Another struggle that newlyweds may have is incorporating the daily needs and activities of another person into their life. After marriage, you have to think twice about making plans, accepting invitations, or taking a trip. Another person has to be factored into your daily life, your thinking, and your future. Some people find this more difficult than they expected.
For example, one issue that you may not think would become a big deal, but actually is for a surprising number of couples, is the thermostat. If you and your spouse find it difficult to find a happy medium and agree on the right temperature, you are not alone! The simple issue of ‘too hot’ or ‘too cold’ has been found to cast a wrench in the marital bliss of many.
Finally, you may be used to having a lot of alone time, or feel protective of your personal space. These are things that can cause hiccups after marriage as now there is someone sharing your space, your bed, and your bathroom.
Trouble Compromising
This brings us to the overarching need for compromise. This is something that is much easier for some than others. The tricky thing about compromise is that in some relationships you cannot tell if your boundaries are being crossed. How much compromise is too much? It can cause a real or perceived imbalance in how much one person is giving and how much the other is taking. This imbalance can lead to resentment and conflict.
Togetherness
Another area that is usually ironed out in the first year of marriage is time spent together. Some couples find it hard to find a middle ground that is just right. Friends, work, and family have to be juggled along with making time for your spouse. Both partners may have differing opinions on how much time they should have alone.
Managing Conflict
Conflicts have a different feel once you are married. When you are in a committed relationship but not married, there is still a sense of a way out. Once you are married, it becomes official and binding. Now, there is more pressure, you are more invested, and it can feel like there is a lot more at stake. The arguments you had before you were married seem to have more weight and become more serious after marriage. The concept of ‘the rest of your life’ becomes much more apparent.
Roles
The first year of marriage is also a time when couples are figuring out each person's responsibilities. If there is not an open discussion and agreement about this beforehand or early on, it can become a topic of friction. This is an area where both partners can drop the ball. If your expectations of each other are unknown, then there will be disappointment and confusion.
Communication
Marriage is a wonderful lesson in, and teacher of, communication - if you are willing to learn. When you first get married, you may still be finding your way through each other’s communication styles and love language. There may be misunderstandings and difficulty in having effective dialogue. You may be unsure how much of what you are feeling should be shared with your partner. Pushing your feelings down can create resentment.
Settling Down
Your expectations should be hopeful and optimistic, but also realistic. It is heartening to know that for many couples, the first year of marriage is a speed bump on the road to a happily married future. This does not mean that you and your spouse stop having fights or conflict. Instead, it means that you have settled down and found ways to navigate your relationship.
Marriage is hard. The first year of it is a drastic life change. It requires consistent effort, maintenance, and nurturing. It is a lesson that you are learning throughout your relationship. So if it is hard (unless there is abuse), consider it par for the course. It is best to manage your expectations in the first year. With time and experience, your marriage can evolve and become fulfilling.
Trust Mental Health
Trust Mental Health has a team of BIPOC therapists that offer couples therapy in San Jose and all over California. Our therapists are experienced in techniques such as the world-renowned Gottman Method.
For many people, their ethnicity or religion influences their attitude towards relationships and marriage. Our therapists are representative of an array of cultures and backgrounds, and between us we speak over 10 languages. The diversity of our team enables us to have a culturally sensitive and inclusive approach towards our clients. Along with relationship counseling, we also offer faith-based therapy in San Jose, California.
Contact us today for a free 15 minute consultation. We will match you with a therapist you can relate to.
FAQs
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Common challenges include adjusting to new roles, compromise, financial tension, communication issues, balancing independence and togetherness, and managing dynamics with in-laws.
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As newlyweds, it is important to discuss your financial goals and priorities early on. Create a budget together and be honest about your financial situation. You should both know the attitude with which the other approaches money.
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Improve the way you communicate with each other by practicing active listening, listening with empathy, suspending judgement, and avoiding defensiveness. Language that is accusatory or confrontational is best avoided. Patience and honesty is key.
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There is no shame in either needing or asking for extra support. Reach out to trusted friends, family members, or professional therapists. Relationship counseling or couples therapy can help make the transition and adjustment to married life smoother.