Building a Meaningful Connection with Your Teenager
When a flower doesn’t bloom, you fix the environment in which it grows, not the flower. – Alexander den Heijer
Adolescence can be a tough time not just for children, but also for their parents. Teenagers are dealing with the effects of puberty and issues related to self-esteem, peer relationships, and academics. At the same time, parents are coping with the same issues as their child goes through them. One concern that many parents have once their child enters adolescence is how to maintain a connection with their evolving, often frustrating, child. The teenage years offer an opportunity to build a deeper, more fulfilling relationship with your child. However, for many families, this becomes increasingly difficult to do with tweens and teens.
Complaints are Opportunities
When children complain it can be hard for parents to give them the space to do that. Often, we react to the complaint emotionally, or attempt to fix the problem. Teenagers complain because that is their way of indicating that they need to be listened to. Instead of responding to complaints with positive niceties, or listing things that they need to be grateful for, try to see your child’s experience. There are emotions and thoughts behind every complaint that we can hold space for. By giving your child the opportunity to share, you are gaining insight into their character.
Try to resist the urge to change their thinking about what they are complaining about. By voicing their irritations or annoyances to you, your child is extending you an invitation – into their world. It is human and natural to complain. And by complaining, your teenager is giving you the chance to help them carry something heavy or troubling.
Active Listening
In many of our blogs, we mention the importance of not just listening, but actively listening. To help you listen actively, consider saying the following:
That’s a lot. I’m here.
That sucks…Tell me about it.
Is there something I can do?
I get it…I would feel the same way.
I’m listening.
What is the hardest part about…
Stop Trying to Fix their Emotions
Teenagers do not want to be ‘fixed’, as this implies that there is something wrong with them.
For example, your teen complains to you that they do not have any friends. You reply by saying that is impossible, they are likable, funny, etc. You may get a reaction from them such as, “Of course you’ll say that, you’re my mom!”, or “No one at school cares about that!”, or “You don’t get it!”. By contradicting what they are saying, you have missed a chance to hold their vulnerability and taken away their attempt to open up.
When witnessing your teenager have strong or difficult emotions, try doing just that – being a witness. Again, by holding space and listening, you have the opportunity to understand your child’s feelings and where they are coming from. Accepting their heavy feelings shows your child that you can handle it, and so can they. You can ride the turbulent feelings with your teen and assist them in navigating them. This does not mean that you are a permissive parent or are enabling a victim mentality in your child. On the contrary, it means that you are using the situation as a chance to offer compassionate listening.
Just by holding the space and giving your child the feeling that they are worth listening to will empower them to reach the other side of the issue. Eventually, with your guidance, they will learn how to work their way through their feelings and find a solution.
Avoid Shaming or Blaming
Additionally, try to remove shame and blame from your interactions with your child. This will create resistance within them, and it will be harder for you to keep the lines of communication open. If shame is attached to your child’s feelings, they will work to hide them. If they are blamed for being upset or dysregulated, they may feel like the space is unsafe. Empathize with them and in this way, you will hold their emotions with them.
Self-Regulation
When a teenager is having a volatile or antagonistic moment, it is important that you stay regulated. The moment you become emotionally dysregulated, it will add to your child’s distress. It will also signal to them that you cannot handle their adversity. As a parent, you must be the constant, the anchor, and stay present. You must weather their storm calmly, lovingly, and guide them. Using cliched platitudes or buzz words with your teen will come across as inauthentic.
Modeling self-regulation will set an example for your teen. Showing up for your teen in an authentic way will enable them to show up for themselves. Be aware and observe them and their reactions to your reactions. When your teen is dysregulated, what is the dialogue in your mind? Working on self-awareness will enable you to approach these situations in a way that is free of past patterns and narratives. For example, if your teen is being uncooperative, avoid slipping into thought patterns like, “They are doing this to me.” When you are triggered by your teenager and burst out in anger, are you deflecting from what is happening inside you? Examine your feelings of powerlessness or helplessness.
Co-Regulation
This comes with self-regulation. By modeling self-regulation, you will teach your teenager how to navigate their own feelings. This may take some time and practice, both for you and your teen.
Acceptance, Appreciation, Acknowledgment
Teenagers face various modes of rejection and acceptance in their daily lives – particularly in school and peer groups. What they need from you is consistent acceptance. They need to know that you accept them as they are, no matter what. They need to feel appreciated – not just for the things they do or achieve, but as cherished humans. Finally, they need acknowledgement. They need to be seen when they have made a mistake, when they are doing something right, whether they are happy or upset. They need to be seen and accepted by you.
Remember, sometimes compassion has a better and more long-lasting positive impact than a lecture or scolding. Compassion gives your child a safe space to make mistakes or have a bad day. In order to respond with compassion, you will have to intentionally slow down and draw on your self-awareness to be present with your child.
We cannot expect our teenage children to be as adept at life as an adult. Often both teenagers and their parents are stressed, anxious, or burnt out. While teens can benefit from seeing us manage our emotions well, they also need us to be steady. Try not to let your discomfort with your child’s emotions get in the way of listening to them. They need to know that we can handle it.
Work on Yourself
As you can probably tell, the key to building and maintaining a connection with your teenage child is to work on yourself. When you are coming from a regulated, self-aware, and authentic space, your energy will change. Your child will pick up on your energy - they can sense how you feel about them.
Find Enjoyable Ways to Bond
While your child’s teenage years may come with numerous challenges, it is also a time of tremendous growth – for you. Nurture your relationship with your teenager and find ways to enhance your bond. Some ideas:
Make your house welcoming for your teenager and their friends. Keep snacks stocked, greet their friends warmly when they come over, and give them their space.
Keep family traditions that your teenager enjoys, but be willing to adjust and be flexible.
Have a sense of humor!
Encourage your child to pursue their interests and hobbies.
Do things that you can enjoy together – get ideas from your teen.
Share things about yourself with your child.
If you feel that your connection with your teenager is severely strained, your relationship is in distress, or you are concerned for their well-being, consider getting professional help. Trust Mental Health has a team of BIPOC therapists in San Jose, California. We offer therapy for teens and relationship counseling in San Jose and all over California. Contact us today for a free 15 minute consultation. We will match you and/or your teen with a therapist you can relate to. Also, have a look at our mental health worksheets.
FAQs
-
Building a connection with your teenager cultivates trust, healthy communication, and a sense of security. It helps your child feel valued, understood, and supported during a confusing and sometimes difficult phase of their life.Description text goes here
-
Trust is built through consistent communication of boundaries. They can earn your trust when you give them responsibilities and independence appropriate for their age and maturity level.
-
There is very little about teenagers that is guaranteed. However, the emotional support and guidance offered by a strong parent-teen connection can reduce the likelihood of risky behaviors.