Living with Regret: How to Change the Regret Mindset
It isn’t the things themselves that disturb people, but the judgements that they form about them. — Epictetus
Very few people go through life unscathed by regrets. There is always something we could have, should have, or would have done. We can get lost in ruminating over what if I had, what if I had not, I wish I did, I wish I didn’t. We see posts on social media that highlight the regrets elderly people have, warning us not to let the same happen to us. But are we being unrealistic if we expect to go through life without regretting anything? Perhaps if we change our mindset around what we regret, we may see those missed chances as catalysts for growth, learning, or motivation.
Change the Regret Mindset
Regrets can be about missed opportunities, a relationship you wish you did not have, a lost love, a job you wish you had taken, a trip you should have gone on, or a friendship you let go of. How can you change your thinking around regret? Doing this will require you to be mindful and self-aware. You will have to spend time reflecting on what you regret. Consider these introspective questions:
Why do I regret this?
What do I think would have happened if I did/did not do this?
What do I think would be different in my life if I did/did not do this?
Why am I still regretting this – how does it affect my life now?
What good, if any, has come from this?
Did it open up an opportunity elsewhere?
Am I sticking to a set narrative? Are there other ways to think about this?
The questions are intentionally worded, “What do I think would have happened… “, or “What do I think would be different…”. This is because what you regret and its consequences is your personal opinion. It is your perceptions, thoughts, and assumptions around what could have happened. You cannot really be sure that what you believe would have been different in your life actually would be!
Choosing to View Regret in a Different Way
Below are a few examples of the process of changing the regret mindset.
Regret over a partner
During my difficult and abusive marriage, I spent a lot of time in regret over my life choices. Most of all, I regretted marrying the person I did. After my divorce, I continued in this mindset. I felt that due to my regrettable decision, I had wasted so many years, so much energy, and been through a lot of pain. I felt that I had missed out on so many things – the chance for a healthy relationship, companionship, intimacy, and a life well-lived.
Eventually, my learning and growth started to become apparent to me. I found fulfillment in rebuilding my life and using my experiences and what I learned from them to help me overcome obstacles. I felt a renewed zest for life, which I may never have found had I stayed in the disillusion and rut of regret. During my marriage, I opened up to those close to me and let myself be vulnerable. I realized that not only did this build meaningful relationships, but it enabled me to know myself better.
My regret over my marriage was not a reflection on my judgment. Instead, it showed me that I was worthy and deserved better.
The ability to make choices that align with my values and beliefs has been empowering. I am able to live authentically, and there is nothing to regret about that.
Regret over not seizing an opportunity
While I was in college, I had the opportunity to study abroad in Europe. The only obstacle to my taking this opportunity was my own fears. I was worried about leaving my comfort zone, about being in an unfamiliar environment, and doubted my ability to do it. Now when I think about it, I know that it is just something that did not happen. It did not have negative consequence – except my own feelings about it.
I realized that I was obsessing over what I perceived as a lost chance. Now, with time passing and life experience, I do not have the same fears as I did in college. I have become more open to trying new things, set challenging goals for myself, and began to expect more from life. I know that should another opportunity arise, I have the awareness to respond differently.
Regret and Grief
I used to live with a big regret. I wished I had told my father how I felt about him before he died. I wanted him to know how much I loved him and how much he had given me, in every aspect of my life. Unfortunately, I was unable to tell him before he passed. I lived with this regret for a very long time.
I would imagine having this conversation with him over and over. I thought about how it would have made him feel, and how it would have made me feel. I pictured all the different ways I could have told him what he meant to me. I imagined how he would have responded. And I could not stop feeling bad about not telling him what I needed to.
Being stuck in these thought patterns exhausted me. When I questioned myself, I came to the conclusion that my father must have known how I felt about him – how could he not? He must have cherished his relationship with me as much as I did. He often commented on how I always kept in touch and was good company. I remembered that he always expressed appreciation for the things that I would help him out with. And I realized that though I could not say it in words, my actions showed my father how much I loved him.
Now, instead of regretting what I did not say, I think about all the things my father taught me. I remember the value and joy he brought to my life, and the special friendship that we had. There is no need for me to regret it. I know now he would not want me to.
Regret over missing out on family time
I regret working so much when my kids were young. I felt like there was a constant tug-of-war between my professional life and spending time with my family. It was painful to think about the birthdays, sports events, plays, and other moments that I missed.
As my children matured, they began to ask me about my work. They saw the sacrifices that I made were not because I preferred work over them, but because it was what I had to do for our family. As a family, we made it a point to have time together when we could. This showed the children that I did make an effort to be there.
Though it still pains me sometimes, I no longer feel the regret or guilt as deeply. My kids are now young adults that understand the value of a strong work ethic and dedication. Importantly, they realize that it was my hard work that enabled them to live the life they had, get a good education, and then make a life for themselves. So, instead of focusing on the regret and guilt, I appreciate the relationship that I have managed to build with my children. It is time to enjoy that.
Letting regret means that you release what no longer serves you. Focus on the things that bring value to your life, and on areas for growth and learning. These are the spaces in which you can find your passion and joy.
If you are struggling with your mental health, consider reaching out for professional support. Trust Mental Health has a team of BIPOC therapists that offer mental health therapy in San Jose, California. We offer depression therapy, anxiety therapy, and relationship counseling in San Jose and all over California. Contact us for a free 15 minute consultation today. We will match you with a therapist you can relate to.
FAQs
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Regret is a feeling of sadness, disappointment, or remorse over something that has happened or a decision made in the past. It can be wishing that a different choice had been made or that a particular action had not been taken.
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Experiencing regret is a normal part of the human experience. It is natural to look back on our lives and wish we had done certain things differently. Regret can be a catalyst for personal growth and change.
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Regret can have positive aspects. It can serve as a motivator for personal growth and positive change. It can also help you become more self-aware and make better decisions in the future.
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If regret is severely impacting your mental health, causing depression, anxiety, or leading to harmful behaviors, it may be wise to seek the assistance of a mental health professional, such as a therapist.