Embracing Identity: Coming Out Advice
Coming out is a very delicate, personal process. There are many variables that can make the decision complicated, scary, and emotional. Struggling with your sexuality or gender identity can make you feel closed off from the world around you. You may be feeling like you don’t fit in, like you won’t be able to find romantic connections, or like there is something wrong with you. These are painful feelings to grapple with and it’s important to remember that you are not alone.
My Story
Coming Out to Myself
The first step of coming out is always admitting it to yourself. When I was in seventh grade, I began to question my sexuality. I would read about various sexualities, take ‘Am I Gay?’ quizzes online, and stay up late into the night, questioning myself. I felt a lot of shame around the idea of being a lesbian. I was scared to confront some of my own biases about who lesbians were and what being a lesbian would say about me. Openly queer influencers helped me confront some of these biases. I realized that you don’t have to look or act a certain way to be attracted to women. Learning made it easier to accept my lesbian identity. I still worried about the reactions I’d receive from my friends and family, but I came to a place where I felt sure of my identity and began to embrace it privately.
Coming Out to Friends
I first came out to a group of friends freshman year, during a sleepover for my high school swim team. They were talking about the boys they liked. I worried that I’d have to lie in order to fit in with them. But, when it was my turn to share, one of them asked, “Do you like any guys? Hey, or girls!” Seeing an opening, I told them that I had a crush on a girl on the team. It was the first time I got to giggle with other people as I talked about how cute, sweet, and charming I found another woman. I can still feel relief course through my body. I remember how badly I needed it at the time. This safe space gave me an incredible surge of confidence. I began to feel eager to share myself with my loved ones, rather than only feeling scared.
Coming Out to Family
The next day, still riding my high from the sleepover, I came out to my dad, stepmom, and older sister. I called a family meeting and I told them about the girl I liked. They were so supportive and happy for me. Through his tears of joy, my dad said, “I’m just so proud of you!”
The next time I was with my mom, I told her about the girl I had a crush on as well. She was equally supportive but seemed a bit more confused than my dad and stepmom had been. I later learned that she went into my sister’s room later that day and asked if I’d just come out to her. She clearly cared a lot and did not want to say the wrong thing. She reminded me that she’d always love me, and that was all I really needed to hear.
Coming Out at School
A few months later, I came out at school. There was a student-led walkout after the 2016 election, and students were invited to write speeches, poems, songs, and anything they wanted to share with the group. I wrote a speech about what it meant to me to be a gay teenager living in the political environment in the United States at the time. It was my first time coming out to practically all of my friends. I was nervous, but, when I announced that I was gay, the crowd erupted into cheers of support. My sister, a senior at the time, stood next to me and cheered along with them. For the next few weeks, teachers and other students stopped me in the halls to say they were proud of me.
The Aftermath of Being Out
The hardest part of coming out was losing my best friend of over a decade. I knew she would not accept me once I was out. There was a part of me that had hoped that she would be more supportive, though I understood that she held a belief that being gay was wrong. We did not talk after I came out. I was never invited to her house again. Even her mom unfollowed me on Instagram. It was very painful, and I wondered how I would be able to form a friendship that deep again, knowing how easy it was to lose it if the person did not to accept me. It is still a loss that hurts in many ways, even years later; however, since then, I have met many wonderful people who love all parts of me, and that is the kind of friendship we all deserve.
Common Questions About Coming Out
How do you know you’re ready?
I would say that you’re ready to tell people when you’re secure in yourself alone. That’s why coming out to yourself is often the first step. One of the lesbian influencers I follow, Shannon Beveridge, has mentioned throughout a few posts that one of the key things for her was being able to look in the mirror and practice saying, “I’m gay.” I used that method as well, and it really helped me get used to that identity being a part of me, but also being a part of how other people would see me over time. Once you can admit your queerness to yourself with confidence and self-love, you are more likely to be comfortable sharing that part of yourself with important people in your life.
What happens if you come out before you’re ready?
Many people experience being outed by others before they’re ready. If this happens to you, know that you’re not alone in this experience. It can be very jarring to have others know a piece of you that you’re not completely comfortable with yet. Spend some time validating the emotions that come up during this time. Taking agency by confiding in those closest to you and utilizing your own language or narrative will help you gain comfort in talking about your queerness, ultimately helping you find security in being out. If you do not have supportive people in your circle, journaling can also be a helpful outlet. You may also look into organizations at school or in your community that are welcoming to queer people. Try to join an event or go volunteering. It will help you remember that you’re not alone.
How do you deal with gossip?
Gossip is, unfortunately, often inevitable when you come out. Again, it becomes helpful to have a certain level of confidence and self-assuredness before coming out. Letting the rumors and jokes roll off your back will help you maintain a clear head. As your confidence increases, you can always retort or make comebacks to obnoxious or untrue rumors. When people realize that their rumors don’t cause you to feel ashamed of yourself, they are less likely to engage in them. To get ahead of those rumors, it may help to be as out and proud as you can be–wear pride T-shirts when you feel up for it, and bring up your sexuality or gender identity in conversations with people you trust. This will help others gain understanding about your identity, and that increased sensitivity will make them more likely to stick up for you when unkind rumors spread as well.
What should I do if I can’t be “out and proud”?
It is important to acknowledge that we do not all have the luxury of being out and proud. For many of us, there are safety risks involved in wearing a rainbow pin or a pride flag. Your personal safety should always be your first priority. If you cannot be out and proud in a big way, I’d recommend trying to find more private ways to be proud of yourself. This might include journaling, coming out to just one person so you can be open in that space for now, or even privately watching shows or movies that include queer characters. Letting your queerness show itself in controlled, safe settings will help you find security and love for yourself. From there, confidence can grow.
How do I know I can come out to someone?
It can be helpful to start with people you trust to be supportive and open-minded. Connecting with allies is an important safety measure. To test the waters, you could bring up a celebrity who shares your sexuality or gender identity, ask about their views on marriage equality or gender-affirming surgeries, or even point out a pride flag in a store or in a video. See if the person responds with affirmation, confusion, or discomfort. If they respond with affirmation, they could be a great person to come out to! If they are confused, you may want to prepare yourself for the possibility that they will have some questions and decide if you’d feel comfortable answering them. If they are uncomfortable, they may not be the best person to come out to at the moment. Trust your gut. You do not have to justify your choices to anyone.
Conclusion
Coming out is a very emotional process. It’s important that you have access to as much support as possible as you navigate the ups and downs of this journey. A therapist might become that safe person for you to come out to with your own agency and language. Trust Mental Health offers LGBT+ therapy with open-minded professionals who are prepared to help you as you process your coming out experiences while acknowledging your intersectional identities. You can book a free 15-minute consultation today.
Key Points
Coming out is a process that begins with coming out to yourself. You deserve to hold space for your journey of self-discovery and connection.
If you cannot be out and proud in public due to safety risks, there are still ways to privately affirm your queer identity. Try journaling, confiding in one person like a therapist, or consuming queer-friendly media.
When deciding if you can come out to someone, try analyzing their reaction to other queer topics first. This can help you get an idea of what kind of reaction you can expect from them.
FAQs
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Prioritize self-care activities that promote your well-being, such as exercise, meditation, hobbies, and spending time with supportive friends and family. Stay connected with LGBTQ+ communities for ongoing support and validation. Consider therapy or counseling if needed to process your experiences and emotions.
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Prioritize your safety above all else. Consider coming out to trusted individuals first and have a safety plan in place in case of discrimination or violence. Surround yourself with supportive people who respect and validate your identity.
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It's crucial to have a support system in place, whether it's friends, family, or support groups. Additionally, consider seeking therapy or counseling to process your feelings and develop coping strategies.