Are You Being Dumped on Emotionally? How to Respond
A friend calls you either on the phone or on a video call, and your conversation is anything but quick. What follows is a one-sided conversation during which your friend unloads all their problems, concerns, and tough emotions onto you. The long, drawn-out conversation centers around the same topics that have been discussed before - repeatedly. What your friend is doing is emotional dumping.
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Emotional Dumping
Emotional dumping, which is different from venting, is letting loose your problems, complaints, and emotions onto another person without any regard for their wellbeing, time, or energy.
Topic Rarely Changes
The topic of the dumping often follows the same lines every time. The person is either willfully or unintentionally unaware that they are using you as a dumping ground for their ‘stuff.’
You Are Unable to Share
You either have no segway into sharing about yourself, or you no longer even feel like it. The person talking also does not give you a chance to pause the conversation.
Circular, Repeated, Conversation
The person doing the dumping is usually not open to receiving or taking advice. They do not have problem-solving in mind while they are unloading on you. Your friend does not take your advice, nor do they seem to change their patterns. It is like going in a circle every time.
Lack Of Consideration for You
Your wellbeing is likely not asked after. Your emotional stamina, time, and energy are not taken into consideration. The demands of your daily life are not thought about. You feel like a dozen of your personal boundaries have been crossed.
Adverse Effect on You and Your Relationship
If emotional dumping happens enough, you may eventually begin to dread having conversations with this person, even though you may care for them deeply. The conversations can start to feel heavy for you or become frustrating. Some people experience compassion fatigue, which is the stress, anxiety, or tension you feel when offering someone care. Emotional dumping can also push people away and create distance in relationships.
When someone is emotionally dumping on you, they often do not realize the effect it is having on you, or that they are being inconsiderate. It is not usually done with the intention to stress you out or make you feel bad.
Meaningful relationships do require support and empathy, but not at the expense of your own mental wellness.
The Differences Between Emotional Dumping and Venting
Venting
Someone who needs to vent will usually ask you first about your availability and your emotional and mental bandwidth before venting. They take your comfort and wellbeing into consideration before they start. Venting has a clear aim and subject. It also involves the speaker being mindful of your time. They will likely thank you for listening at the end of the conversation. Because your feelings are considered, after the venting has run its course, you feel like you have helped someone. There is a sense of mutual support between you both.
Emotional Dumping
Dumping implies a sense of entitlement over your time and support. Someone who frequently engages in emotional dumping is showing little to no regard for your time or schedule. They are also not being considerate of your mental and emotional energy. The one-sided conversation reaches neither conclusion nor resolution, and the same topics are picked apart. Emotional dumpers bombard you with long and frequent conversations that are only focused on their emotional turmoil. After you have been emotionally dumped on, you may feel drained, disrespected, or resentful.
Setting Boundaries Around Emotional Dumping
Setting a boundary for interactions between you and your emotional dumper is important for your wellness and peace of mind. If it gets to the point that a phone call from your friend irritates you, makes you anxious, tense, or stressed, it is time to set firm and clear boundaries. Emotional dumping interrupts your day in the way that you can start to anticipate. The regular intrusion on your time and the drain on your energy has a negative impact on your wellbeing.
Boundaries will also help protect your routine and self-respect. When you show respect for your time, your commitments, and your space, so will others.
Additionally, boundaries will remove the sense of an impending emotional dump, as you have reclaimed your mental and emotional space. You can still be there for your friend or loved one, but within reasonable limits.
How to Set Boundaries
Communicate
Gently tell your friend that you are unable to sustain this dynamic. In a kind but firm manner, let them know that you do not have the emotional energy for it. Reassure them that you want to be there for them, but in a way that is mutually respectful, supportive, and two-sided versus one-sided. Tell them you cannot engage in long conversations anymore, but that you are available on text or via voice notes.
Express your boundaries and how you feel in a respectful and assertive manner. Below are some examples of what you can say to gently let your friend know that the dynamic is troubling you:
“I struggle with the physical energy and the time needed for conversations like the ones we often have.”
“I am unable to manage calls of more than 15 minutes…”
“I feel like our chats are one-sided. I’m not asked how I am doing or if I have the bandwidth for a conversation.”
“Sometimes our talks are great, but more often than not they require more emotional energy than I have.”
“It is hard for me to engage on the energetic level that our conversations require.”
"I want to support you, but I can't discuss this right now. Let’s talk about it later?"
Filter Calls and Texts
If you have communicated to your friend how you are feeling (as mentioned above), but they still continue to invade your personal space and time, you may have to adjust how you handle calls and texts. If your friend calls, let it go to voicemail. Do not be as available to them as you were before, even on text. Most phones now have notifications that allow you to see a few lines of text without opening the app. You can use this tool and choose to reply later when you feel more able to take it on. You could also reply with something like, “I have read your message and hope you’re okay, but I cannot respond properly at the moment.”
You may feel guilty about filtering their calls and messages at first. It may even upset them. However, if they truly care about you, they will understand your need for space. You must look after your own welfare before you can help another person.
Make Mental Hygiene a Priority
We have heard of the terms sleep hygiene and dental hygiene, have you heard of mental hygiene? Mental hygiene encompasses the daily activities we do in order to protect and preserve our mental health. Taking action to maintain your mental wellbeing is important. Doing so does not mean that you do not care about your friend, or that you are not interested in being there for them. When you are being emotionally dumped on, at some point you need to start putting yourself first. You do not have to listen to an emotionally charged monologue – you are not their therapist.
By silently going along with emotional dumping, you are enabling and adding to the problematic pattern. This will do neither you nor your friend any good.
Suggest Other Options
It may be helpful to suggest to your friend or loved one who regularly dumps on you to consider counseling or individual therapy. They may be in need of the kind of guidance and support that a professional provides.
You can also give them the idea of journaling or exercise to get out the energy of their emotions. Mindfulness and mindful movement can also help, along with meditation or yoga.
Trust Mental Health has an experienced team of BIPOC therapists that offer relationship counseling and individual therapy in Fremont, California. Our team speaks over 16 languages, and we approach our therapeutic services with a knowledge of our clients’ cultural sensitivities and backgrounds. Contact us today for a free 15 minute consultation. We will match you with a therapist best suited to your needs. We offer therapy both online and in person. You can view our locations here.
FAQs
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Emotional dumping is the act of unloading or venting one's emotional turmoil or problems onto someone else, often without their consent or ability to offer assistance.
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People may engage in emotional dumping because they need an outlet for their emotions, want validation, or simply feel overwhelmed by their feelings. They may not realize they are emotionally dumping, and so may not always be aware of how it affects others.
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Emotional dumping can strain relationships, lead to burnout in the listener, and make the listener feel emotionally drained or overwhelmed. It can also discourage open communication and trust.
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Respond with empathy and compassion. Let them know you are there for them, but also communicate your limits, and firmly but kindly set boundaries. Suggest healthier ways to address their issues and process emotions. This could be professional help such as individual therapy or counseling, journaling, meditation, or self-care activities.