Co-Parenting with a Narcissist: A Guide
When co-parenting, you need at least a mildly cordial relationship with your ex. This would be one in which there are boundaries, some degree of mutual respect, and clear communication. These things are very hard to establish when you are dealing with an ex who is a narcissist. Before exploring how to co-parent with a narcissist, we must first understand Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).
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Narcissistic Personality Disorder
A person with Narcissistic Personality disorder (NPD) has an overblown sense of importance and entitlement, and a lack of empathy. Because of this, they are unable to make healthy interpersonal connections. The disorder is characterized by the person’s insecurities, lack of empathy, and need for attention and admiration. Someone with NPD lacks self-awareness and will never accept that they have done anything wrong. They will blame, gaslight, and manipulate people and situations. Narcissists often are emotionally, mentally, verbally, and/or financially abusive. People with NPD cause long-lasting damage to the lives of those closest to them.
What Co-Parenting with a Narcissist is Like
Exploiting the Children
A narcissist often uses their children as pawns. They use the children to hurt you, control you, or scare you. Narcissists expect themselves to be made a priority and do not ever put their children before themselves. Their intentions are often questionable and they do not consider the impact of their behavior on their children. For example, they will hype up a plan to the children and schedule it on the same day that you have something planned or that the children are not available. They will then put the blame on you for when things do not work out, making it seem to the children that it is your fault. Or, they show barely any interest in meeting the children, then suddenly reappear. When they do this, they expect the children to drop everything and be happy and grateful that they have turned up.
Lack of Respect
Narcissists approach most situations with arrogance and entitlement. They are unable to be empathetic, even towards their children.
They criticize the children and blame you for anything that goes wrong. They are envious of your and their children’s life without them. They do not respect your boundaries or your children’s boundaries. Yours and the children’s routine and commitments are irrelevant to them. They do not uphold commitments they have made to the children. They are only interested in them when it is convenient or when it causes inconvenience for you.
Lack of Cooperation
Narcissists often refuse to cooperate or communicate clearly. This makes it difficult to discuss important matters related to your children. They may ignore court orders or try to pull you into power struggles. They often put the children in the middle of their disputes. They may also attempt to manipulate the parenting agreement.
Important Occasions and Events
Parenting with a narcissist can be quite challenging during the holidays. Usually, someone with NPD goes out of their way to ruin special occasions and important events for you. Whether the children also get affected by this does not matter to the narcissist.
Effect of a Narcissist on Their Children
Post-Separation Abuse
Narcissists often engage in post-separation abuse. This is when the narcissist continues to abuse you and attempts to exert control over you and the children even when you are no longer in a relationship. Post-separation abuse involves:
Harassment
Unwanted communication
Threats
Intimidation
Stalking
Financial abuse
Interference in your day to day life
The narcissistic ex may continue to exploit or use the children to hurt you or regain control over you. The emotional and mental abuse a narcissist inflicts is not just limited to their spouse. It can spill over towards the children, and continue even after a separation or divorce.
Manipulation and Gaslighting
A narcissistic co-parent sometimes uses manipulation and gaslighting techniques to control the narrative and undermine your credibility. This can cause confusion and emotional distress for children.
Parental Alienation
A narcissistic ex-partner may attempt to turn your child against you. This is known as parental alienation. It involves tactics like badmouthing you, false accusations, or trying to create a wedge between you and your children. The effects a narcissistic parent has on their children can last into adulthood.
Co-parenting - Parallel parenting
Co-parenting with a narcissist is a difficult and frustrating task. Knowing the nature of the narcissist, they will do almost anything to cause you inconvenience, stress, or emotional pain. The extremism of a narcissistic ex is best mitigated by parallel parenting. Parallel parenting is a co-parenting approach designed to minimize direct contact and communication between high-conflict parents. It includes creating strict boundaries, limiting contact, and keeping interactions as brief and business-like as possible. It aims to protect children from the emotional turmoil and manipulation often associated with a narcissist while allowing both parents to remain involved in their child's life. The child's well-being is the priority in parallel parenting.
Below we outline the basics of parallel parenting.
How to Manage
Do Not Try to Change the Narcissist
This means that you have to accept that it is what it is. The narcissist cannot be made into a better parent or a better person - nor will they be open to any such attempts. When they show you who they are, believe them.
Keep Accurate Records
Maintain organized and easily accessible records of legal agreements, court orders, and a record of the terms that were agreed upon. Document your interactions and conversations. For example, keep records like text messages, emails, and what times they picked up the children and dropped them back to you.
Make Legally Binding Agreements
Have a clear parenting plan that delineates all the necessary logistics of parallel parenting. This should be treated as a contract. Spelling everything out in a legally binding document reduces the narcissist’s ability to manipulate the situation. For example, matters such as medical emergencies or school issues may require detailed and frequent communication. A legal agreement can ensure that a protocol is in place for handling these situations.
Make Your Child’s Best Interests a Priority
It can be hard to compromise, let things go, or be conciliatory with an ex – especially when your ex is a narcissist. However, you must do what is in the best interest of your children. That may mean changing a plan or not rising to your ex’s bait. Try not to view the situation through the filter of your negative feelings about your ex.
Also, avoid speaking negatively about their other parent to your children or within earshot of them. Do your best to avoid conflict with the narcissist in front of your children. Do not use your kids as messengers between you and their other parent. Avoid asking your kids for information about your ex. Shield them from negativity and toxicity as much as possible.
Make sure that you are the parent that provides a stable, secure, and unconditionally loving environment. The differences between the environment and parenting you provide and what your ex provides will be apparent to your children. Therefore, there is no need to go into the abusiveness and narcissistic behavior of your ex with your kids.
Maintain Boundaries
Enforcing healthy personal boundaries is important in all aspects of our lives. When dealing with a narcissist that you are parallel parenting with, boundaries are essential. Your boundaries with a narcissistic ex must be clear and firm. They will resist them, because the boundaries of others do not concern them. For example, they may try and test your limits and tolerance by showing up at your house under the guise of meeting the kids. If a boundary is crossed you can disengage by either walking away, or by not replying to a quarrelsome or intrusive text.
Minimize Communication with the Narcissist
Once you are no longer with your partner, you can regulate how much you engage with them. Parallel parenting involves limiting your topics of communication with them to just the children. Let them know important dates, health updates, and logistical information that is relevant to them and the children. Keep your responses simple, polite, and devoid of emotion.
Be Polite and Unemotional
As hard as this may be, try to remain polite, unemotional, and neutral when interacting with a narcissistic co-parent. Do not let on that they have triggered you or provoked you in any way. They want an emotional response from you. If you give it to them, they will repeat the behavior because they know it bothers you. Maintaining this unemotional, polite indifference towards the narcissist is also known as grey rocking.
Maintaining this consistently will require practice, as a narcissist feeds off conflict, hurting others, and tension. It may take a long time for them to stop being rude, provocative, or trying to draw you into a conflict. However, if you continue responding in a neutral and calm manner, eventually they may realize that there is no longer any narcissistic fuel to be had from you. Try to focus on your parenting instead of taking on the other parent.
Before you send an email or text, read through it first. Make sure there is nothing inflammatory in there or anything that the narcissist can later use against you.
Look After Yourself
Pay attention to your physical and mental health. Do some activities every week that you find relaxing and enjoyable. Get enough quality sleep and maintain a nourishing diet. If you need more support and guidance, consider reaching out to a mental health professional. Anxiety therapy or individual therapy can give you tools to cope. Additionally, children may benefit from therapy for children.
Build up a supportive network of friends and family. Call on them to offer assistance and provide healthy relationships for your child. Reliable allies can help mitigate the negative effects of co-parenting with a narcissist.
Trust Mental Health has a team of BIPOC therapists that offer anxiety therapy, individual therapy, and therapy for children in California. Our therapists speak over 15 languages between them. We bring an intersectional wellness approach to our treatment, and recognize the cultural sensitivities and nuances that impact our clients.
FAQs
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Parallel parenting is a co-parenting strategy that minimizes direct contact and conflict between parents, especially in high-conflict situations. It is necessary when dealing with a narcissistic co-parent because it reduces the opportunities for manipulation, control, and emotional harm to children.
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To limit communication, you can use digital tools or communication platforms for scheduling and sharing information about the children. It is also necessary to clearly define boundaries and communicate only about essential matters related to the children's well-being.
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To protect your children, maintain clear boundaries, document interactions, and provide emotional support. Encourage communication with your children and be prepared to address any concerns or confusion they may have about the co-parent's behavior.
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Managing the emotional toll involves prioritizing self-care, seeking individual therapy or support from a support group, and doing things to maintain your well-being. Remember that a healthy and resilient parent is better equipped to support their children.