Single Parenting, Your Mental Health, and the Holidays
Almost a quarter of U.S. children under the age of 18 live with one parent and no other adults (23%). [1]
One of the most trying experiences is being a single parent. There is so much you have to think about and take care of. You do not have the support of a partner to bounce parenting ideas off of or discuss important child-related decisions. Day to day, it is just you. Everything that goes right and everything that goes wrong is on you. Regardless of the age of your children, parenting alone is mentally and physically exhausting. You are doing all the work that is done by a team of two - by yourself. Having to take care of everything can lead to stress and burnout. The constant stress, loneliness, and exhaustion can become overwhelming and may lead to depression and anxiety.
Single parenting can be due to:
Divorce, separation
One parent is not in the picture
The death of a partner
One parent working for extended periods away from home
Effects of Single Parenting
You may also feel lonely and isolated. These feelings are highlighted in settings such as school or family events, where many kids have both their parents present.
“I feel guilty when I see happy two-parent families. I wonder if my son feels like he is missing out. It’s hard enough for adults not to compare, how can we expect kids not to compare themselves with others. Or not to compare their family with other families?”
“In the moment, I wish I had someone I could just quickly run something by. Having someone there if I need ideas or a solution for an issue related to the kids would take some of the pressure off me. I wouldn’t be so scared that the choices I’m making aren’t right. I feel I’m missing this support and the companionship of another parent.”
If your relationship with your ex-partner is dysfunctional or difficult, this can add to your existing stresses. There may be frequent issues over the children’s plans, visitation, finances, vacations, etc.
“Picking up my daughter and dropping her back is never a smooth process. I am always stressed about whether I will be able to see her. My plans with her often get cancelled, postponed, or cut short. I’m always anxious about the time I’m getting with my child and whether it is enough for her.”
Financial pressures and responsibilities are hard to face alone. Children come with a multitude of expenses. Uncertainty about meeting these demands on your finances is distressing.
“I spend more time working to be able to get the kids what they need or want. I work to provide, but this gives me less time to spend with my kids. And they say I’m working all the time. This constant conflict between what I want to do and what I need to do is really hard.”
Aside from financial requirements, children also have personal needs. This includes time with their caregivers and ongoing emotional needs. Any issues a child has at school or at home add to the tension you may already be feeling. Your child may have problems in their relationship with their other parent, and you have to be the one to console them and make up for it.
“It’s not easy to be everything for your kid – both mother and father. I feel as long as they’ve got a good home and good food they’ll be fine. But then I remember that there are other things I have to give them. They need me to be their mom – loving, listening, helping, comforting – everything. My concern is that I’m inadequately supporting them in some crucial part of their development. I always feel that I’m missing something, that there is something more I should be doing.”
“I’m a single parent. I’m always thinking about the effects my single-parenting will have on my boys when they’re older. I think about which aspects of my parenting will have a negative effect on them. I wonder how my relationship with them will influence their relationships when they’re older. I worry that I am not enough for them. I feel guilty about not being able to give them more, travel more, experience more…”
In the midst of day to day demands it can be hard to find some time for yourself – or even to take care of yourself. The routine and the rush can wear you down. You may also have less opportunity to spend time with your children.
“One of the challenges I struggle with in being a single parent is time. There is never enough time. I can’t find the time to have the conversations with the kids that I want to have. Or the time to teach them the life skills they need. I need more time to do things like watch a movie with them, eat a relaxed meal with them, talk to them as they fall asleep. It hurts. I can’t find the time to do things I would like to do either. Like see a friend, watch a show, exercise. Chasing time makes me feel very anxious.”
Single Parenting During the Holidays
There are many challenges in single parenting, and with the holiday season more can arise. There is a buildup of tension and anxiety about possible conflicts and confrontations. This makes the upcoming holidays a daunting and stressful time.
Issues that can arise include (but are not limited to):
Deciding and negotiating where your children will spend the holidays and for how long.
Conflicts about schedules and logistics. This can become complex if there is travel involved. Travel expenses may make it difficult for you or the children to travel. This can cause disagreement around how travel expenses will be shared.
Financial constraints are particularly troubling around the holidays – especially when children are expecting gifts. You and your ex-partner may disagree about spending limits. As a single-income parent, it is a good idea to manage your kids’ expectations about the gifts they will receive.
There may be a relative or guest at the other parent’s gathering that you are not comfortable having around your children.
The children may have their own opinions about who they would like to spend the holidays with.
Managing the kids’ disappointment when they cannot spend the holidays as they would like.
If your children are spending the holidays with their other parent, it may be difficult for you to be without them. So much of this holiday is centered around children and family, and not having your children with you may be upsetting.
It may be hard to maintain certain family traditions as a single parent.
Comparing your holiday with that of others’. Everyone has a different experience of this season. You may struggle with trying to give your children the kind of holiday experiences they are used to.
Feeling that you are not doing enough.
“Every holiday that we spend with family reminds me of what I’m lacking. My siblings and cousins all have children and are all with their partners. I’m the only one there without a partner. My kids are the only ones there without a father. I feel his absence more when I’m around everyone, and I just want to leave. It triggers me and I spend the holiday fighting depression.”
“Keeping a balanced and cordial rapport with my ex-partner is a constant issue. They are uncooperative, especially when there is a special occasion. I’m always expecting something to go wrong or some drama to occur.”
A Few Tips to Make the Holidays Smoother
There are a few things you can do to manage the challenges of being a single parent during the holiday season.
One thing is to have a conversation with your children. Tell them what they can expect – what will be different, what you will not be able to do. Point out that together you can make new traditions and experiences.
Once you have managed your kids’ expectations, work on managing your own. You do not have to ‘do it all’. It does not have to be perfect. There is no need to put on an act – children can see through it. You cannot force the happy and the seasonal spirit, but you can cultivate it through authentic conversations and activities.
Keep your children’s interests at heart, especially when it comes to their other parent.
Take care of yourself. This could mean having a nap, a quiet cup of coffee, or a chat with a friend. Include something in your holiday celebration that is for your enjoyment as well.
Get Support
As we have mentioned in the above article, dealing with the stresses of single parenting can cause mental health conditions. Try our depression and anxiety assessments here. If you need extra support, Trust Mental Health is here for you. Our numerous mental health services include individual therapy, therapy for children, and joint therapy for parents and children.
Our team of therapists are from diverse backgrounds and speak multiple languages. We will work with you, support you, and guide you to a better inner space. Contact us today for a free 15 minute consultation. We will match you with a therapist best suited to your specific needs.