7 Traits of Adult Children Who had a Narcissistic Parent
At the core of a parent-child relationship is the unconditional love a parent has for their child. The parent offers the child security, love, care, validation, support. They are constant in their feelings for their child.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a personality disorder that is characterized by lack of empathy, feelings of superiority, lack of moral integrity, feelings of justification when hurting others, and an inability to love unconditionally. NPD is a destructive force on those close to the narcissist. It can have long-lasting consequences for the mental health of partners, children, and family members.
The crux of the issue with a narcissistic parent is that they care about the needs of their family only as far as those needs are in line with their own. If they are not directly affected, the wants and needs of their children are irrelevant to them. Growing up with a narcissistic parent can be a traumatic experience for a child. The adverse effects on overall wellbeing can last well into adulthood.
Common traits of adult children who grew up with a narcissistic parent
1. Depression and anxiety
As an adult, the child of a narcissist will start to understand the pattern of inconsistency and unfair treatment of them by their narcissistic parent. The humiliation, rejection, and lack of compassion can cause resentment in a child. A child that has been bullied, demeaned, or mocked by a parent will develop deep-seated anger. Bearing the brunt of their parent’s manipulation, fear-mongering, threats, and ultimatums can create a pervasive unease and discomfort in a child. These issues may arise later in life in the form of depression and anxiety disorders.
Dealing with the unpredictability that comes with a narcissistic parent can cause a child’s stress response to be chronically activated. Adult children of narcissistic parents may have grown up in an environment where they had to be constantly on guard, and anticipate the narcissistic parent's mood swings and reactions. They may develop high levels of anxiety, always trying to predict and prevent potential conflicts or outbursts. Living in this environment can lead to hypervigilance, which is a state of being hyper-aware of surroundings, others' emotions, and potential threat.
Adult children may develop unhealthy coping mechanisms to manage the emotional turmoil. These mechanisms include avoidance, withdrawal, suppressing emotions, or substance abuse.
2. Difficulty setting healthy personal boundaries
When a parent does not respect the boundaries of their child, they take away their child’s ability to learn how to establish and create healthy boundaries for themselves. As adults, they either have trouble identifying their limits and how to enforce them, or they have rigid personal boundaries that impede their relationships.
3. Health problems and weakened immune system
Living with a narcissistic parent is, for many children, a situation that causes chronic stress. Experiencing this kind of prolonged emotional distress in one’s own home, from one’s caregiver has adverse effects on physical health. Children can develop digestive issues, autoimmune disorders, migraines, aches and pains, cardiovascular problems, and thyroid issues, among others. Sleep disturbances, which can become chronic, also have a detrimental impact on physical health.
4. Need for control, perfectionism
In an attempt to gain approval from their narcissistic parent, adult children may develop perfectionism. Success is equated with worthiness, and as the only way to earn love and recognition. A need for control can stem from internalizing the way their parent exerted control and dominance over them when they were young. It is also a way to cope with the instability and volatility they were raised in.
5. Low self-worth
Being at the mercy of a narcissist is an incredibly challenging experience. When the narcissist is your parent who is raising you, it can be even more so. Children are vulnerable and dependent on their parents for their basic wants and needs, both physical and emotional. A narcissistic parent will not provide their child with validation, acceptance, or unconditional love. The child will not see healthy behavior being modeled. Their outlook and opinions will be manipulated by the narcissist.
A narcissistic parent will humiliate, demean, and condescend to their child. The child can never be enough, and will never be able to make the parent happy. A negative self-perception is instilled during childhood. Gaslighting, neglect, and devaluation are all aspects of NPD that have long-ranging effects on a child’s sense of worth and self-esteem.
6. People-pleasing
A person with NPD will project the blame for conflict or anything that goes wrong onto others. In the same way, a narcissistic parent will pass the blame on to their children. They will only exhibit affection or pleasure in their children on a conditional basis. If the child is behaving in a way that is acceptable to the narcissist, they may receive a conditional show of warmth. If their child has displeased them, a narcissist will withhold affection, attention, and their time.
Children in this situation gradually learn to suppress their feelings due to how their parent reacts when they do express themselves. They come to believe that their needs and wishes are less important. By people-pleasing, they are avoiding possible conflict, emotional harm, and rejection.
Additionally, a child of a narcissist is not shown acceptance. Their true self is rejected and met with shame and disapproval. Therefore, the adult child often does not have a developed sense of self. They adapt their behavior to meet the expectations of others, often at the expense of their own needs and desires. This trait can carry over into their relationships, where they struggle to set boundaries and prioritize their own well-being.
7. Problems with relationships
Many of the factors detailed above can affect how an adult child of a narcissistic parent connects with others and maintains relationships. Often, mistrust, self-doubt, and an inability to understand and regulate emotion underlie the above traits. Identifying their own needs and assertively expressing them is difficult and comes with a fear of rejection.
Adult children of narcissists may adopt anxious or avoidant attachment styles. Anxious attachment is characterized by insecurity, trouble communicating, acting out, game playing, mistrust, and preoccupation with a relationship. Avoidant attachment is when a person gives mixed signals, is demeaning, does not compromise or handle conflict well, is unclear about their intentions, and is uncomfortable with intimacy.
In households with narcissistic parents, core emotional needs are often overlooked or manipulated. As a result, adult children who lacked consistent emotional validation and support when young may gravitate towards partners who also fail to provide emotional nourishment. This can perpetuate a cycle of seeking external validation.
Breaking the patterns
While the traits mentioned above are common among adult children raised by narcissistic parents, you are not defined solely by your upbringing. You have the capacity to heal, grow, and create healthier patterns for yourself. Recognizing the impact of your upbringing is the first step toward self-awareness, self-worth, and personal development.
Therapy offers a safe space for you to explore your past and understand the dynamics of your upbringing. Anxiety therapy, depression therapy, and trauma therapy are among the types of care that can help you develop strategies for healing and growth.
If you are considering getting some extra support, we are here for you. Trust Mental Health has a team of BIPOC therapists that offer mental health therapy in San Jose, California. Our experienced therapists offer anxiety therapy, trauma therapy, depression therapy, and therapy for teens. View our full range of services here. Contact us today for a free 15 minute consultation. We will match you with a therapist who is best suited to your needs.
FAQs
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A narcissistic parent consistently prioritizes their own needs, desires, and ego over those of their children. They often seek admiration and attention, manipulate their children emotionally, and lack empathy or concern for their child's well-being.
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Growing up with a narcissistic parent can lead to a range of emotional, psychological, and interpersonal challenges. Adult children of narcissistic parents may have low self-esteem and trust issues. They may struggle with personal boundaries and forming healthy relationships. There can also be a tendency towards seeking external validation.
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While the challenges can be significant, healing is possible. Seeking therapy to address the emotional wounds, learn healthy communication, and get support in setting boundaries can help. A therapist can help you understand the impact of narcissistic parenting, develop self-esteem, and learn skills to build and maintain healthy relationships.
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- Seek therapy to address emotional wounds and develop coping mechanisms.
- Educate yourself about narcissism and its impact on relationships.
- Practice self-care and self-compassion.
- Learn healthy communication skills and how to set clear boundaries.
- Surround yourself with supportive friends and loved ones who encourage personal growth.