Hyper-Independence as a Trauma Response
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Independence is a natural part of growing up and becoming a healthy individual. Being self-reliant can allow individuals to be more free and have control of their own life. Independence looks like being able to maintain a healthy lifestyle while managing everyday activities. Independence is not only financial but also extends to mental and emotional. However, just like any trait, too much independence can be harmful to an individual. This is called being hyper-independent. Hyper-independence refers to someone who is independent even when it is doing more damage than good. They are unable to ask for support, even in situations where they really need it.
Traits of Hyper-Independence
Difficulty asking for help: A person with hyper-independence may have trouble delegating tasks or leaning on someone for support. It may be difficult to ask for help because the individual feels like a burden and does not want to bother them.
Hard time trusting others: Hyper-independence can make it difficult for people to let their walls down and allow others into their lives. They struggle with understanding that others are reliable and often don’t allow themselves to be vulnerable.
Being secretive: People with hyper-independence can be reluctant to share personal information about their lives due to a distrust of others. This usually stems from feeling like people might disappoint them or use that information against them. People can also be struggling sharing emotions and telling others how they feel.
Perfectionism: People with hyper-independence might take on more work to show that they can do everything themselves. They tend to be critical of themselves and strive for perfectionism.
Social isolation: Due to having difficulties trusting and opening up to people, those who are hyper-independent can struggle to form and maintain relationships.
Low self-esteem: Hyper-independence is a trauma response that makes people believe that they are undeserving of help and can feel as though others don’t like them.
Stress: People with hyper-independence can be stressed from not asking for help and are prone to burnout.
Difference of Independence vs. Hyper-Independence
Healthy independence involves a person being able to make their own decisions while also being able to ask for help. They can still have a sense of independence while also being able to depend on others. Independent people recognize the importance of supporting each other and can trust others. Healthy independence also looks like creating boundaries and compromises with the people in your life.
What Can Cause the Trauma Response?
Hyper-independence can be triggered by any means, and everyone's individual experiences are different. Hyper-independence is a trauma response often formed in childhood and continues throughout adulthood.
Parentification: Parentification is a form of childhood trauma where the roles are reversed and the child acts like the primary caregiver. Psychology Today explains how parents impose their unmet emotional, physical, or psychological needs onto their children. This can lead children to feel the need to take care of others and not themselves in their adult life. Hyper-independence is a trauma response that can happen when an adult is not used to asking for help as a child or pushes people away because they do not want to fall back into the caregiving role.
Experience past neglect: People who have been neglected by their caregivers and their caregivers were unable to meet their needs. Children learn that since they cannot rely on others, they must solely depend on themselves for their needs. Hyper-independence is a defense mechanism triggered by emotional responses to this neglect.
Family ideologies: If a parent has hyper-independent ideologies, that can be passed on to their children. For example, if a parent refuses to ask for help or tells their child not to trust anyone, even friends. A parent's hyper-independence can be passed down to their children.
Abusive relationships: Hyper-independence can be a coping mechanism for someone who is in a toxic or neglectful romantic relationship. If a partner is dismissive, inattentive to one's needs, or overall hurtful, that can create a trauma response of neglecting one's own feelings for the needs of someone else. Hyper-independence also can coincide with having an avoidant attachment style.
Coping with Hyper-Independence
Learning how to ask for help: People with hyper-independence don’t like to ask for help; however, no one is weak or needs support. Learning how to delegate tasks to others so you are not taking on everything alone is one of the first steps to tackling hyper-independence.
Letting go: Learning how to let go of a trauma response, in this case, hyper-independence that no longer serves you. Hyper-independence is a survival tool people use as children, however, it is not needed and is usually unhealthy in adulthood. Also learning how to let go of a perfectionist mindset and be kinder to oneself.
Recognizing and addressing the root causes: Understanding the reasoning behind your hyper-independence can help confront the underlying issue. Try to recognize if this is something developed in childhood or in a toxic relationship.
Understanding the need for change: If being hyper-independent is causing issues in your life or your relationships, it’s important to acknowledge the need for change. There is nothing wrong with you if you are hyper-independent, however, it is something that can be worked on and managed.
Trusting those around you: Getting to know and trusting those around you can help break the unhealthy patterns of your trauma response. Practicing vulnerability and allowing others to support you is a life skill that can allow your relationships to blossom.
Being kind to yourself: People with hyper-independence tend to be very critical of themselves. Instead, it’s important to practice self-forgiveness and understand that you are human just like everyone else, and you are allowed to make mistakes.
Self-care techniques: Self-care is important for everyone, especially people who are hyper-independent because they tend to neglect their needs. Self-care can also look like taking care of basic needs, such as properly eating and sleeping. Relaxation techniques, such as breathing exercises or meditation, can also help soothe and calm down anxiety thoughts caused by hyper-independence.
Therapeutic Treatments for Hyper-Independence
Being hyper-independent can be an isolating experience, however, you do not have to go through this alone. Getting professional help through a therapist can help heal individuals from past trauma and work on being less hyper-independent.
Cognitive-behavioral therapy: Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) focuses on identifying negative thought patterns and shifting cognitive distortions or trauma responses into healthier mentalities. CBT works on positive change through learning coping mechanisms to improve one's life. There is also trauma-focused CBT is a specialized type of CBT that works with people experiencing PTSD.
EMDR therapy: Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) is a type of therapy that combines talking and eye movement. EMDR has the patient discussing past traumatic events while the therapist moves their finger from side to side while the patient follows the finger. EMDR can help individuals process traumatic memories and improve emotional states. The National Library of Medicine looked at studies researching EMDR and found this therapeutic technique to be effective in reducing trauma-related symptoms in the majority of patients.
Psychotherapy: Psychotherapy is a fancy word for talk therapy. This type of therapy is a one-on-one intervention where the patient is able to talk to a professional to receive support and coping mechanisms. Psychotherapy can be effective in dealing with trauma responses due to being able to uncover and work on past traumas.
If you or a loved one have hyper-independence, you do not have to suffer alone. There is a wide range of support and therapeutic options available. Trust Mental Health has 25+ therapists and prioritizes treatment for everyone. Trust Mental Health gets people an appointment within 48 hours of first booking and offers many different therapeutic services, including CBT, EMDR, and psychotherapy.