The Effect of Infidelity on Mental Health
Betrayal trauma is the deep pain that is felt physically, emotionally, and mentally when you have been betrayed in a primary or intimate relationship. For example, when your partner has been unfaithful. Some studies have compared what the betrayed partner goes through with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
In this article we will discuss how infidelity in an intimate-partner relationship affects your mental health.
What Betrayal Trauma is Like
Betrayal trauma interferes with how you function in your daily life. It can have a negative effect on how you show up for yourself, your children, your job and your relationships. It can cause you to operate from a state of fear that the infidelity will happen again.
When confronted with the truth of your partner’s infidelity, you may experience denial. Infidelity leaves you with a continuous sense of disbelief – you keep thinking that you cannot believe it happened to you. You find it difficult to accept that this person could hurt you in this way.
You become completely preoccupied with your partner’s infidelity – at times it seems like you can think of nothing else. You develop a heightened vigilance around your partners actions, comings and goings, and their activity on their phone and computer. And - the visuals. If only you could stop running through scenarios and imagining your partner with someone else. Reminders of the infidelity can trigger physical reactions like nausea, increased heartrate, shaking, and sweating.
“After learning about my partner’s affair, I would quietly take their phone in the middle of the night, while they were sleeping, and go through it. Even though I had already seen the texts and emails and they were now deleted, I still felt compelled to do this. I thought I would find answers to my questions and details that my partner refused to give me. If they left the room while talking on the phone I would secretly follow them and try to overhear what they were saying. I was obsessed with the logistics of it all, and so scared that it would happen again.”
There is a tumult of questions running through your head. When did it happen? Why did it happen? Who was it? When did they meet? Where did they meet? Every time you think about the affair, an entire slew of new questions floods your mind. Not knowing all the details is frustrating.
You also start to doubt how well you know your partner. Maybe you never thought that they would be the kind of person capable of deceit at this level. You begin to cast doubt on your perception of your relationship.
Little things begin to add up and you may realize that you missed signs that your partner was being unfaithful. You feel angry at yourself for being blind to the clues that were right there. You also feel terribly stupid - for being fooled and for accepting the lies you were told. How did I not suspect anything? How did I accept that explanation? It is natural to keep replaying events that lead to this point. But it is exhausting to do this and to try to make sense of everything.
Being betrayed sweeps you up in a tidal wave of emotions, and the initial ones are usually shock and rage. There is so much anger directed at your partner, yourself, and the person they had an affair with. You feel angry that you were making an effort to be a good partner, while at the same time you were being betrayed.
“I was at home with our children. My husband was away a lot for work. When he was back in town, instead of spending time with us at home, he would leave almost as soon as he put his bags down - to ‘hang out with friends.’ I didn’t understand which friends of his were so precious that he neglected his family for them. When someone gave me proof that he was cheating on me, I almost blacked out from the pain and anger. How dare he? I was doing my best to raise our kids and to make a home. I really thought I was a wonderful wife. I felt so angry and so dumb.”
Humiliation comes and goes in waves. You start to suspect that others knew before you did. Yet you feel it would cause further humiliation to ask them about it. You may also develop an underlying sense of shame about the infidelity. The shame felt by the victim of deceit may prevent them from reaching out for support. They feel embarrassed and therefore may keep what they are going through to themselves. The withdrawal and isolation that follows can add to existing mental distress.
“When my partner and I went out in our social circle, I felt like people would look at us just a little too long when we arrived. I felt as if we were being talked about. It seemed like the women were looking at me with pity. I didn’t feel as comfortable approaching people and starting conversations as I once did. I lost confidence and developed social anxiety. Looking back, I may have been projecting my own paranoia and sense of shame. But I still wonder how many in our circle knew before I did.”
Your entire concept of relationships, fidelity, and trust has been destroyed. You do not know if you will ever be able to trust your partner again – or if you even want to. You look upon their actions and words with suspicion. When they are out, you catch yourself obsessing over where they might be, who they might be with, and what they might be doing. Calling to check up on them is very hard to resist. Even harder is when they do not answer the phone or call you back in a timely manner.
“I went on online forums to try to make sense of what I was going through. I must have googled infidelity hourly for weeks. I felt like there was all this information that I didn’t have – my partner was not forthcoming about the details of their affair. I kept thinking about who they cheated on me with. Every now and then, something would hit me, I would remember something from months or weeks ago – and realize that it was when my partner must have been with the other person. All the lies they told became clearer to me. I started wondering if anything they told me in the last few years was even true. It is so hard to process and get a grasp on all the different parts of an act of infidelity. I was overwhelmed and depressed. My mental and physical wellness was not in a good place.”
The pain of betrayal can make you feel like you are unlovable. Your self-worth, self-belief, and self-confidence all take a brutal hit. You may feel less motivated to take care of your health and how you look. You may begin to doubt your ability to really know a person. You look for somewhere to place the blame. The blame moves from your partner to yourself and onto the person they cheated on you with in a cycle. You may also find yourself blaming your own and your partner’s friends and family. How could they not have known? Why didn’t they tell me what they suspected? How could they keep this information from me? Did they cover for them?
This can all culminate in depression, anxiety, issues with self-esteem, intrusive thoughts, exhaustion, and high stress. You may turn to alcohol, food, or other substances in order to cope. Suppressing your pain and blocking out emotions can manifest in physical ailments. There is a lot of inner conflict and contradictory feelings, which may cause you to numb out. You may experience disturbances in your sleeping and eating patterns.
There are various reasons why leaving your partner may not be an option. These could be your children, financial constraints, fear, unemployment, confusion – or you do not want to. Whatever the reason, staying in a relationship with someone who has been unfaithful is hard. You may feel conflicted about your partner and where you stand with them. It may feel like you are going against your grain by continuing to be with your partner. It may grate against your values and belief system. This internal strife can manifest in mental health issues as well as in your physical health.
Dealing with infidelity is an incredibly difficult and demanding task. Trying to navigate feeling angry, irritable, ill-tempered, reactive, small, miserable, moody, and betrayed is hard. These heavy feelings are accompanied by the sense of loss that is caused by infidelity. The loss includes but is not limited to: the loss of the relationship you thought you had, loss of trust, loss of the person you thought your partner was, loss of an emotional connection with your partner, loss of trust in yourself, and loss of self-esteem.
The consequences of infidelity can ripple out over years. It has long-term effects on a person’s emotional and mental health. If you need help in dealing with and recovering from intimate partner betrayal, Trust Mental Health can help. We have a team of therapists from diverse backgrounds that speak multiple languages. We offer relationship counseling, couples therapy, and individual therapy, among other services. Contact us today for a free 15 minute consultation. We will match you with a therapist best suited to your specific needs.
FAQs
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Trauma therapy with a mental health professional can help you find relief from the symptoms of trauma, give you the tools you need to cope better, and provide strategies to help you process your experiences. In time, you can find happiness and enjoy life.
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Relationship counseling is not limited to romantic relationships. You can receive counseling for family issues, relationships with friends, colleagues, your boss, your children, even business partners.
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Trust Mental Health offers therapy in San Jose and all over California. We have four locations and also offer therapy online.