The Trauma Bond
Trauma Bonding in Relationships
The Trauma Bond Keeps You in an Abusive Situation
Trauma bonding can occur in different types of relationships, whether it be in a marriage or in a parent-child relationship. This article focuses on the trauma bond in an intimate partner relationship.
What is a Trauma Bond?
The trauma bond is the dysfunctional attachment a victim feels for their abuser. It develops when there are incidents of abuse and also occasional good times here and there between the abuse. The victim becomes accustomed to the painful lows felt around abuse, and the euphoric high experienced when things with their abuser are going really well. The few times when things are good are enough to create a strong bond in the victim. It is this connection that makes it so difficult for people to leave horrible situations.
In a relationship that is trauma bonded, the person who supposedly loves you and is meant to be a source of safety is also a threat and abusive to you. When the abuser is the source of security – whether it be financial, emotional, etc. – the victim believes that they need them, adding to the strength of the trauma bond.
The pattern of abuse makes thinking clearly very difficult. It makes you lose touch with your own feelings, emotions and thoughts. And so, the identity of the victim gets lost, and they cannot self-actualize.
Self-actualization is the complete realization of one’s potential, the development of one’s abilities, and appreciation for life. Self-actualization is possible only after one’s fundamental needs for survival, safety, love and self-esteem are met (Maslow, 1943, 1954, 1962).
Self-actualization is therefore linked to how you feel about yourself, and your connection with your identity. Abuse and the trauma bond strips a person’s self-esteem and identity and usually drives them into a chronic trauma response, like fight or flight. In this state, you are more susceptible to developing a trauma bond with the person that hurts you.
In a trauma bonded relationship there is an imbalance in the giving and taking. The good and the bad can become a cycle. For example, the abuser starts off by showing kindness and love towards the other. The kindness they show their victim may be so unusual and nice that it keeps the victim attached, hoping for more of the same care. The period of affection and care may seem wonderful to the person who is abused. This then moves into what is called devaluation – abusive patterns begin to reemerge. This may be followed by reparations or apology on the abuser’s part. Often, it is only the abuser that can comfort the victim after the abusive incident.
“…periods of actual despair were mollified by brief sparks of illusion.” (Koch, 2018)
And then the cycle starts again. Spinning in this wheel, the victim eventually loses their sense of self-respect, boundaries, and dignity. The trauma bond is strengthened.
When a person has experienced gaslighting, financial abuse, neglect, isolation, threats, and other abuse within an intimate relationship, their self-confidence is eroded. They question themselves and have trouble trusting not only themselves but others. This only enforces their trauma bond with their abuser.
Please remember, a trauma bond is not love. It is an unhealthy, toxic attachment born out of fear and dysfunction.
Figuring out how they came to be in an abusive dynamic is essential for the victim to heal. Gaining an understanding of what they need to work on will prevent them from falling into this pattern again. To do this, a victim needs to consider:
their attachment to the abuser
how they see themselves in the relationship
what their experience of abuse is within the relationship.
Usually, a victim will need the assistance of a therapist and some form of trauma therapy in order to do this.
The Trauma Bond and Mental Health
The attachment of a trauma bond has repercussions for a person’s mental health. The following are some of the ways it plays havoc with your wellbeing:
Hypervigilance – you will be highly aware of your abuser. You will be attuned to their moods, their physical behavior and their tone of voice. You will also be highly alert to threat – on the lookout constantly, and have an impending sense of dread.
As a result of gaslighting, you may be in a brain fog, doubt your understanding of events, and question your reality. This is linked to an elevated degree of cognitive dissonance, a conflict between your thoughts, beliefs, feelings, and your reality.
You may live with an overwhelming sense of fear – not only of your abuser, but of leaving, and what will happen if you leave.
You neglect your own beliefs and values and live in a way that is not true to yourself. People do this to avoid conflict with and to appease their abuser.
Being agreeable to all the abuser says, does, and demands, in order to avoid conflict and retaliation.
Victims may feel a strange sense of disconnect from others in their lives, especially those who encourage the victim to leave the relationship/situation.
You may numb or suppress emotion, which is a defensive mechanism.
People also attempt to justify the abuse they have undergone – they have to, otherwise how can they manage their cognitive dissonance and rationalize staying in the situation?
A lack of control and agency over yourself, causing you to feel helpless. “I knew everything happening around me, but I was stuck and couldn’t move, like I was watching myself destroy myself.” (Koch, 2018)
You feel that you are completely dependent on your partner, and have confused feelings toward them.
The victimizer may blame you for the abuse they perpetrate on you.
You have developed various coping strategies to enable you to function daily. Many of these strategies are formed by assessing the risks posed by your situation and the desire to mitigate harm done to you. Your focus is on avoiding conflict and abuse, and on managing your partner.
All these things combined can result in chronic stress, which negatively affects physical as well as mental health.
How Does a Trauma Bond form?
In addition to the factors outlined above in this article, trauma bonds form largely from an imbalance in the power dynamics of a relationship. The abuser establishes themselves in a position of dominance over their victim by various abusive tactics. These include but are not limited to: gaslighting, coercive control, mental and emotional abuse, neglect and lack of empathy.
Please keep in mind, the abuse does not happen constantly – it is intermittent abuse. The relationship is characterized by times of upheaval and chaos along with times of relative peace. The abuser may say something nice, make a small gesture of kindness, or give a little positive attention. It is these breaks between the abusive incidents that enable the victim to emotionally connect with their abuser. This vacillation between peace and chaos creates a tolerance in the victim for maltreatment. The victim then learns to adapt and live in this way by normalizing what is occurring. You focus on the positive aspects of the relationship, and minimize the negative aspects.
Breaking the Bond
The term trauma bond in itself, has the word trauma in it. This is an emotionally damaging state to live in, and an excessively hard one to get out of. A person’s mental health and wellness may suffer as a result.
Ending a toxic relationship is a painful and scary process. For many people, there is no awareness about the nature of abusive relationships. They may not have the words to describe or understand that what is happening to them is gaslighting, for example. You may not know that you are in a trauma bonded relationship. It is especially difficult as the abuse and the trauma bond has taken away your agency and your ability to advocate for yourself. Victims of abuse are operating from a fractured sense of self. Anyone who has been in an abusive situation knows how difficult it is to get your bearings, think clearly, plan, and eventually leave. Finding the resources and inner strength to regain your life and autonomy can be overwhelming.
People living in these kind of circumstances often hold a lot of shame. They blame themselves for what happened to them. You may ask yourself, “How could I let this happen to me?” “Why did I let it get so bad?” “Why didn’t I leave earlier?” You may also be feeling guilty if there are children involved who are suffering as well. This sense of shame or stigma may prevent you from confiding in those close to you.
Due to the deep reaching and long-lasting effects of a trauma bond, it is advisable to seek some form of therapy, such as trauma therapy. Reach out for support and get the help you need to empower you to go from being a victim to a survivor.
Trust Mental Health has a experienced team of therapists from diverse backgrounds. Get a 15 minute free consultation and let us match you with a therapist who understands, and will provide you with compassionate guidance.
FAQs
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These are the values, limits and rules we set for ourselves and our relationships. They set what behavior and treatment you will not tolerate towards you. read more about healthy boundaries here.
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Fight or flight is our body’s response to stress or threat. It is when you decide whether to stay in a situation and ‘fight’, or whether you leave the situation.
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Financial abuse happens when a partner or the person controlling the finances or earning, uses money to oppress, control, dominate, and demean someone who is dependent on them.
References:
https://scholarworks.waldenu.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=7017&context=dissertations