Dating After Being Widowed: A Guide
The thought of being in a new relationship after the death of a spouse can be frightening and overwhelming. But after widowhood, a new relationship may be something that you consider. You may feel guilty even thinking about it, or you may worry about the effects of it on your children. There are also the reactions of other people that you may have to contend with. Considering another intimate relationship requires courage and involves a tumult of emotions and uncertainties. In this article, we delve into the whens, whys, and whats of dating after widowhood.
Table of Contents:
Challenges
Burden of Grief
After widowhood, you carry the burden of grief with you everywhere. It can be hard to get around or through this enough to you get to a point where you even consider a new relationship. You may have a fear of loss, of being hurt again, or feel closed off and numb. This can create emotional barriers that make it tricky to open up and get close to someone.
Fear of Judgment
You may feel pressured to conform to society’s norms and expectations around grief, especially for those who are widowed. People often fear being perceived as having moved on too quickly. Or, there may be embarrassment or shame around wanting intimacy or companionship.
Dealing With the Judgment of Others
The question here is, how long should a widow avoid a new relationship until others around them are comfortable enough with the idea of them dating? This is how it feels to many people who have lost their spouse. They are influenced more by how ready other people – friends, family, in-laws – are for them to start dating instead of how they themselves feel. People may view the widowed person as being callous, selfish, or unfeeling. They may question how much the deceased person meant to them.
The reaction of other people may also instill in the widowed person a sense of shame, guilt, or self-consciousness. This makes it difficult for the widowed person to move forward in a new romantic relationship. What some people may not recognize is that mourning and love can occur simultaneously. Your grief and your new love do not have to compete. They can co-exist.
Interfering Memories
Dating and being with someone other than your late spouse may trigger memories or difficult emotions. Certain places, events, dates, or activities can bring up memories of your spouse. These feelings and memories can interfere with your emotional relationship with a new partner.
Sense of Self
Losing your life partner can bring your identity and sense of self into uncertainty. You may wonder who you are and where you fit in the world without this person by your side. Your responsibilities, especially if you are a parent, will have changed significantly. What you took to be the norms and standards of your life may drastically shift. Finally, you are now navigating the world as a single person, perhaps a single parent as well. The time it takes for you to make these adjustments can affect how ready you are to date again.
Your Children
Perhaps one of the hardest things to do when starting to date again is breaking this news to your children. They may be resistant to the concept of a new person in your life. They are used to seeing you with their deceased parent, and may struggle to adjust to your new relationship. This can bring up feelings of guilt and even selfishness in you. You may feel like you are letting your children down by moving forward in your personal life.
As someone who has lost a spouse, you are not only coping with your own mourning, but also that of your children. Supporting them and helping them navigate through their grief while ensuring that you all maintain a degree of daily functioning can be very challenging. When considering a new relationship, you may find having a conversation with your kids about it rather daunting.
The way this situation gets resolved depends on your relationship with your children, their age, and on the conversations you have with them about it. Keep in mind that sensitivity, empathy, and honest communication will ensure that your children feel seen and heard. Encourage your children to come to you with questions or concerns that they have. Consider therapy for children to help them cope with the loss of their parent and the changes it has brought into their daily lives.
How to Tell You are Ready to Date Again
After the loss of a spouse, there is no set time frame within which to start dating again. This is a personal choice that depends on what feels right for you and what you feel ready for. Everyone experiences grief and mourns in a different way. Still, there a few milestones that can signal that you are ready to explore dating options.
You Have Grieved and Are No Longer Consumed by It
What we mean by this is that you have allowed yourself to go through the full gamut of emotions that come with grief. You have cried, raged, despaired, lost hope, and felt deep, deep sadness. This is how we move through intense grief – we need to actively mourn.
When your grief is no longer all-consuming, you may have almost returned to your regular level of functioning. You find it easier to engage in various parts of your life, such as work, children, or social activities. In a way, you are getting more used to living life on your own. There is some joy to be found in pursuing your hobbies or in doing things that you used to do.
It also means that you have found ways to remember your spouse. Additionally, it means that you are comfortable talking about them, remembering them, and sharing memories of them with family and friends.
Giving Your Needs Priority
Grief is not something that goes away completely. While it may abate, like low tide, at times it can still rise up like waves. Try to recognize when this happens and acknowledge that it is a part of mourning. Still, though you may feel grief in varying intensity as time passes, you will need to start to pay attention to your own wants and needs. For example, you may desire intimacy, companionship, or support. This does not take away from your love for your spouse, or dishonor your relationship with them. You will have new experiences without your spouse, and with time you will be able to prioritize this and allow yourself to have them.
The Future has Hope
Thinking of the future no longer fills you with a sense of dread or depression. You recognize that there is hope for the future, and that you deserve love and companionship. You are able to envision your life with a new partner in it, and feel enthusiastic about the possibility of doing so. This does not diminish the memory of your spouse, but rather shows that you have a healthy outlook.
Tips for Dating
Every situation is different, but there are some general tips that can help you navigate a new relationship.
Your New Partner is Not Your Therapist
People require time and support in order to process their grief. Lean on close friends and family to help you through it. If you feel you need further support, consider talking to a therapist in individual therapy or depression therapy. It can also help to join a support group, either online or in person. Try to avoid oversharing and grieving the loss of your previous partner with your new one. Honesty is important, but the focus of your new relationship should not be on the one you lost. Establish clear emotional boundaries, take your time in sharing, and focus on building a comfort level for yourself.
What Do You Want?
Think about what you truly want and require from a relationship. Consider your intention behind getting into a new romance. Reflect on what you are looking for in a relationship. For example, do you want someone solely to fill the void left by your partner? Are you comparing your new partner to your previous partner? Does casual dating interest you? Are you looking for a life partner? Are you operating from the fear of being alone? It may help to talk to a professional such as a therapist who offers individual therapy, in order to process the many thoughts and emotions you have around this.
Avoid Comparisons
Do you find yourself comparing your new partner with your previous partner? Do you voice these comparisons to your new partner? This can become an unhealthy pattern in some relationships that follow widowhood. Try to avoid making your current partner feel like they have to live up to your former spouse. They should not feel like there is a constant set of standards that they are being held up to and assessed on whether or not they meet these.
You will need to strike a balance between the past and the present. Maintain an awareness that each connection you make will be unique.
If you are struggling with grief, or someone you know is, consider reaching out to Trust Mental Health. Our team of BIPOC therapists are skilled in various types of therapy, including therapy for children, depression therapy, and varied modalities of individual therapy in California. We see clients both online and in person. Contact us today for a free 15 minute consultation. We will match you with a therapist that best suits your needs.
Key points
The main topics covered in this article include:
The challenges of getting back into dating after being widowed.
How to tell if you are ready to date again.
Tips for dating after widowhood.
FAQs
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Children may need therapy for various reasons, including emotional difficulties, behavioral issues, trauma, family changes (such as divorce or relocation), academic struggles, bullying, or coping with a significant loss. Therapy provides a safe space for children to express their feelings and learn coping skills.
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Signs that a child may benefit from therapy include changes in behavior, difficulty coping with stress, changes in academic performance, persistent sadness or anxiety, withdrawal from friends and activities, or any sudden and significant changes in mood or behavior.
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Parents or caregivers are typically involved in their child's therapy, especially for younger children. Therapists often collaborate with parents to gain insights into the child's life and provide guidance on how to support the child's emotional well-being at home.