Ghosting: The Psychology Behind it and the Harm it Causes
Ghosting (verb) is when you suddenly, without explanation, stop all communication with someone. Ghosting is a symptom of an undefined, vague relationship. Young people are getting into relationships that are filled with confusion about expectations and the level of commitment. This habit is disrespectful, causes hurt and disappointment, and damages self-esteem.
The Psychology Behind Suddenly Going Quiet
Ghosting is indicative of the pervasive sense of disconnect amongst people. When someone chooses to ghost another person, it is a reflection of their own behavior and decision-making. There are a number of thought and behavioral patterns that drive this response.
Poor communication skills
Some people are unable to express their thoughts and feelings. They lack the communication skills necessary for navigating relationship dynamics. Going silent on someone may be easier than having a difficult or hurtful conversation explaining why they are just not that into another person.
Avoidance of conflict or difficult conversations
This ties in to the above point, some people have a hard time with emotional conversations. They may have trouble coming across as vulnerable. Or, they feel uncomfortable when faced with the emotions and vulnerability of another person.
Immaturity
Unfortunately, some people do not have the emotional maturity to speak clearly and honestly about their intentions. They may not have the emotional intelligence to identify what they themselves want from a relationship.
Lack of empathy
The act of ghosting someone can arise from a lack of empathy. This does not mean that the person doing the ghosting is a bad person. It means, that in this case, the empathy they are capable of does not extend to your situation with them. They are not thinking about how their actions affect you.
Impersonal interactions
The use of social media to begin and end connections plays a part in this. When your interaction with someone is largely in a virtual space such as text or a social media platform, it takes away their humanity a little. The other person is not face to face with you. You learn of their emotions through written words and emojis. This diminishes the sense of accountability and empathy towards the other person.
Seeing someone react to you in person has more of an impact on you. You can witness the effect you are having on them. But when they are behind a screen, it is easy to ignore their messages and to mute your notifications. You can discard connections and move on to the next.
Avoidant attachment style
Someone with an avoidant attachment style finds intimacy stifling and is fiercely territorial of their independence. Ghosting serves as an avoidance strategy, allowing them to evade uncomfortable situations and potential conflict. They keep themselves free from entanglement with another by going silent instead of confronting or communicating issues.
Anxiety and depression
Ghosting can also be a side effect of certain mental health conditions. Anxiety or depression can indirectly contribute to this tendency. For example, individuals with social anxiety disorder might struggle with initiating or maintaining conversations. So, they may withdraw from social interactions, and abruptly cut off communication. Depression can also affect a person's ability to engage in relationships and communicate effectively.
Understanding these underlying motivations can shed light on reasons why individuals choose to ghost others. However, it is neither a healthy nor a constructive way to handle relationship challenges. Building emotional maturity, developing effective communication skills, and employing empathy all contribute to healthier and more fulfilling relationships. Direct and and honest communication is the ghosting-buster!
Signs that You are Being Ghosted
While some people may cut off contact altogether, others may start putting out hints that ghosting you is the direction they are heading in. Signs that you might be ghosted are listed below.
Cancelling plans
Someone that wants to be with you, who values your time, and what you bring to the table will make the time to be with you. They will look forward to seeing you, take the initiative to make plans with you, and generally make an effort. When someone is not willing to put in the effort or time, they will often cancel plans they have with you.
Lack of commitment
Uncertain, ambiguous commitment is a good indication of someone’s investment in a relationship. Their interest in you fluctuates, and your communication more often than not has started to lack substance. If you are continuously in doubt about how they feel about you, it may be time to reassess your relationship.
Rigid boundaries
Instead of opening themselves up to you, someone who lacks commitment will be reluctant to share information about themselves. They may back away from closeness and vulnerability within your dynamic. A big clue here is that they resist introducing you to their friends and family.
They are less responsive
Finally, the biggest indicator is that they seem to be less available on social media and other platforms that you both communicate on. They take longer and longer to respond to your texts, and may eventually stop replying. Your calls will increasingly start to go unanswered, and so will any voicemails you leave. Be prepared for the chance that they may even block you on social media platforms.
Impact on Emotional and Mental Health
Ghosting can have psychological consequences for the person who is ghosted. It can cause feelings of rejection, self-doubt, and diminished self-worth. The sudden loss of connection and the absence of closure can lead to anxiety and depression.
Ghosting can also cause emotional distress. It takes away the voice from the person being ghosted. You do not get a chance to respond, ask questions or find closure. They are left in a state of confusion and uncertainty. You may lose confidence in your ability to gauge people and foster a connection. It can also lead to a general distrust in future relationships.
The lack of clarity that comes with ghosting can create a lingering presence in the mind of the person who is ghosted. You may internalize the experience and blame yourself. Since you only have your side, you will question what you did wrong. You may overthink the situation or make attempts to seek closure.
Letting Someone Down Gently Instead of Ghosting Them
There are ways to politely tell someone that you no longer want to continue getting to know them, go another date with them, or consider a relationship with them. For example, you could say,
“I have enjoyed spending time with you, but I do not believe that we click where it really matters. For this reason, I do not want to engage in a romantic relationship. Thank you for your time and all the best to you.”
Or, you could say something like,
“Hi, I’ve been thinking about how things are going between us, and I don’t see a romantic future. I’ve enjoyed hanging out with you and would like to continue to be friends if you are okay with that.”
Or,
“I want to be honest and direct with you. I appreciate your friendship and the time we spent together, but I do not have romantic feelings for you. Thank you for your understanding.”
Is Ghosting Ever Okay?
If you feel threatened by another person, or a red flag pops up, you should put your emotional health and physical safety first. If the messages you are receiving from someone become creepy or questionable, go ahead and block that number or account.
So much of our information, communication, and interaction with other people is online. It is easy to trespass boundaries on dating platforms and social media apps. Receiving unwanted or inappropriate photos, messages, or other material is intrusive and offensive. For this reason, we need to think about how exposed we are to potentially toxic behavior and attitudes. If you feel intimidated, uncomfortable, or afraid, protect yourself. If someone is misbehaving you do not owe them an explanation for stopping contact.
If you are struggling with mental health concerns, seeking support from friends, family, or mental health professionals can help. Therapists can help you explore underlying emotional challenges, develop effective coping strategies, and navigate future relationships in a healthier manner. Trust Mental Health offers relationship counseling, individual therapy, and a variety of other therapeutic services. Connect with us today for a free 15 minute consultation. We offer therapy sessions both online and in person.
FAQs
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The most important thing is to remember that it's not your fault. This is more about the other person than it is about you. Give yourself time to process your emotions, reach out to friends or a support network for comfort, and focus on self-care. This will enable you to move forward and invest in relationships with people who value and respect you.
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If you or someone you know is experiencing symptoms of depression, it is important to seek help from a mental health professional. A therapist can provide depression therapy and provide you with tools and strategies for your specific situation. For a therapist near you, contact Trust Mental Health.
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In relationship counseling sessions, couples can expect to engage in open, honest, and sometime difficult discussions facilitated by a therapist. Their therapist will foster active listening, teach effective communication techniques, and guide the couple in exploring their emotions and perspectives.