Signs that a Friendship is Not Good for You
At some point, you may have had that one problematic, or ‘toxic’ friend. The person that you cannot really be sure if they are in your corner or have your best interests at heart. You wonder at their backhanded compliments and doubt whether they are truly happy for your successes. Perhaps that kind of person is in your life right now. It can be challenging to identify the patterns of a toxic friendship.
In a healthy friendship, there is mutual respect and consideration. There is as much give as there is take. Both people are in the relationship because they genuinely like each other and enjoy each other’s company. They share in each other’s sorrows as well as good times. You are sincerely happy for your friend’s successes, just as they are for you. A true friend does not secretly delight in your difficulties or failures. A good friend will call you out when needed, and will not enable harmful behavior. Spending time with a true friend makes you feel energized, uplifted, and good about yourself. A healthy friendship adds value to your life and is good for your wellbeing.
What a Toxic Friendship Looks Like
A toxic friendship is exhausting, frustrating, and demanding. It is a drain on your emotional and mental resources and wellness. When you really think about it, you will wonder whether this friendship adds any value to your life.
They stir up drama
There is a lot of conflict of turmoil in your relationship. A toxic friendship involves quite a bit of drama. Misunderstandings and friction seem to follow this person wherever they go. Usually, it is always someone else’s fault.
A toxic friend is overly competitive with you. They do not like it when you get attention and try to one-up you.
A toxic friend is manipulative and engages in game playing. They make it difficult for you to say no to them. They do not respect your boundaries. You feel pressured by them into doing things you are not comfortable with.
They indulge in gossip and betrayal
Toxic friends gossip, a lot. When you are with someone who gossips and talks about other people, you cannot help but wonder if they talk about you in the same way when you are not around. You may know of instances when your friend has gossiped about you. They may also betray your trust by sharing things that you have told them in confidence. They speak poorly of your other friends and show signs of jealousy. If you find yourself constantly gatekeeping what you tell them because of lack of trust, it may be time to reevaluate your friendship.
They put you down
Toxic people often criticize a lot and put others down. This same dynamic can play out in a friendship. Your friend may make negative comments about your choices, your work, your romantic relationships, or your appearance. They may even manage to pass off their comments as ‘helpful advice’. They may say things like, “I’m only saying this because I care about you”, or “I just want to help.” Their behaviors often follow a passive-aggressive pattern.
They do not have your best interests at heart
A toxic friend will discourage you from your goals. They will not be the ones that support you on your road to success. A good friend will not feel like your success or good fortune takes away from theirs. They will not begrudge you the good things in your life. A toxic friend is never truly happy for you.
It is always about them
Toxic friendships are often one-sided. They talk about themselves and rarely ask you about yourself and your life. They do not keep their promises or follow through on their commitments to you.
A toxic friend is always the victim. They perpetually need to be rescued, and their rescuer must be you. You are expected to put aside whatever else you have going on and tend to their needs. They want you to put them first, and are not concerned about other demands on your time and energy. However, your efforts will not be reciprocated. If one day you need help or support, they will not be there for you in any authentic way. There is no equal give and take. A one-sided friendship can make you feel neglected, undervalued, and unappreciated.
A toxic friend is selfish and lacks self-awareness
Toxic friends test your friendship and your loyalty to them. This can often come across in statements like, “If you were a true friend you would…for me.” However, they will make a plan with you only when and if it is convenient for them.
They consistently use you for emotional dumping or trauma dumping. Trauma dumping is when a person shares details of a traumatic event with another person without warning or asking for their consent first. It disregards the feelings and time of the person on the receiving end. It can cause secondary trauma, which is the emotional distress that results when you hear the first-hand trauma experiences of another person. For some, this is triggering and detrimental to their mental health and wellbeing.
Emotional dumping is when someone is constantly unloading their difficult feelings and emotions onto you. This is done without any concern for your time or whether you are able to hold the space. It is intrusive, inconsiderate, and selfish.
A toxic friend engages in habits that are unhealthy and pressure you to do the same. This could be substance abuse or other reckless behavior.
You will not receive any empathy from a toxic friendship, even though your friend may profess to caring about you.
Unhealthy friend groups
Groups of friends can also have dysfunctional dynamics. There may be no authentic connections based on caring, companionship, or emotions within the group. People may stay together as a group because of reasons like status, popularity, history, etc. Toxic friend groups involve competitiveness, jealousy, discord, and backbiting. People in these types of groups do not truly support each other.
What to do
We must recognize that unhealthy friendships can adversely impact our mental health, just like a relationship can. A toxic friendship can make you feel anxious, insecure, and bad about yourself. The people you surround yourself with create the energy around you.
It is okay to ease people out of your life that are unhealthy for you. If the dynamics of your friendship make you feel bad about yourself and exhibit the above traits, it may be time to let the friendship go. This can be a trying process. You may have some guilt when you cut a toxic friendship out of your life. This person usually makes you feel like they need you and cannot get by without you. You both may share a number of mutual friends and be a part of the same social groups.
Breaking up with a friend can feel like the ending of a relationship – as it is! It is not an easy process. Getting support from a mental health professional or relationship counseling may help. It may not always be necessary to completely cut a toxic friend out of your life. You can reduce the amount you interact with them. For example, do not be the one to initiate plans or phone calls. Some friendships naturally fade away with time, as long as we do not cling to them.
If you require assistance, consider reaching out to Trust Mental Health. Our team of BIPOC therapists are experienced in relationship counseling, couples therapy, and many other treatments. We offer therapy in San Jose and all over California both in-person and online. Contact us today for a free 15 minute consultation.
If you found this article interesting, consider reading our blog on attachment styles.
FAQs
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Relationship counseling can help you in the areas of communication problems, family conflict, trust and intimacy issues, parenting, problems with colleagues, and dating fears. It can also help you address emotional, mental, or physical abuse. It is not limited to just romantic relationships.
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Therapy can help you manage changes and transitional periods in your life. It can help you navigate relationship problems and family or parenting issues. Therapy supports you through the process of dealing with and overcoming your trauma. It gives you a safe space, a regularly scheduled time in which you can share what you are going through, thinking, and feeling, without judgment. At Trust Mental Health, our team of BIPOC therapists are aware of the cultures and backgrounds our clients are from. We offer an integrative, intersectional approach in our treatment that takes into account the sensitivities of our clients.
Therapy is helpful when working through anxiety or depression. It provides support to those undergoing eating disorder recovery. It gives you the tools to regain balance in your life after experiencing a life change, death, or other adverse experience. Therapy offers space and guidance through which you can grow, heal, and find joy in your life.