Toxic, Dysfunctional Behavior Patterns and How to Recognize Them
Consider this: you confide in a close friend or family member about your partner’s or family member’s emotional abuse towards you. The response you get from them is something along the lines of, “At least they are not cheating on you”. Or, “Well, they are not physically abusing you, are they?” Or even, “Look, as long as they are supporting you/providing/giving you a place to stay, just keep your head down and go on with your business/be grateful.” These responses are all examples of how we normalize toxic, dysfunctional behavior.
Do you Follow Toxic Behavioral Patterns?
It can be difficult to recognize our own behavioral patterns, especially if they have been normalized for us, or if they have been picked up through years of observing our elders. Acknowledging and addressing these patterns is important for your personal growth and for forming and maintaining healthy relationships. Below are some signs that you may be exhibiting toxic behavior patterns.
Which of these behavioral patterns do you exhibit?
You need to control, exercise power over, and instill a sense of powerlessness in others. In order to exert control, you use intimidation or ultimatums. Then you justify your hurtful attempts to gain dominance by saying things like, “I’m only doing this because I love you.” Or, “Do it or I will not speak to you.”
When things do not go your way you become angry or resentful. Instead of responding, you often react or act out.
In your relationships you easily become jealous or possessive, even when there is no cause to be. You keep tabs on what your partner is doing, where they are going, and who they are talking to. It may even go so far as snooping through their phone.
Think about whether you have difficulty maintaining authentic friendships. Do you move from friend-group to friend-group?
During conflict, you resort to humiliating, demeaning, or guilting the other person. You might call them names, yell, or threaten to leave.
You deny things that have happened and try to make the other person doubt what they know to be real. This is called gaslighting.
Keeping your word and following through on commitments is hard for you.
You do not provide emotional support to your partner or loved ones.
Substance abuse or indulging in addictive or compulsive behaviors such as gambling, shopping, or drinking is also toxic. These behaviors take a toll on your relationships and adversely impact your finances.
You have difficulty telling the truth, and have been or are being unfaithful. Infidelity has serious mental health consequences for the person who has been deceived.
Do you avoid difficult conversations and expect people to ‘just know’ how you are feeling and what you are thinking? You find that most conflicts are not resolved due to your lack of effective communication and ability to compromise.
You do not take the personal boundaries of other people seriously. Do you feel that the boundaries others set for themselves are unnecessary or do not apply to you? When you invade other people’s boundaries you often say, “I am only asking for this small favor”, or, “I am not asking that much, just a few minutes of your time.”
There is no self-accountability. Do you blame others for your own mistakes and faults? If so, you have trouble taking responsibility for your words and actions.
Passive-aggressiveness. Being passive-aggressive means that instead of tackling an issue directly, you are indirectly aggressive through combative comments, the silent treatment, a sulky or uncooperative attitude, and resenting the wants and needs of others.
Unlearning Toxic Behaviors
Once you are aware of any unhealthy patterns you may have, you can take steps towards replacing them with healthy behaviors. Putting a stop to damaging patterns either in a relationship or within yourself can be challenging, but possible. By ending the cycle of toxic behavior, you can begin to establish fulfilling connections.
Consider doing some or all of the following to help you achieve this.
Address your toxic patterns
Introspection, or self-reflection, means taking the time to think about how you behave and react. Go back to times when the way you acted impacted those around you. Did it affect them negatively? Did anyone get hurt? How did it damage your relationship? In this way, you will eventually figure out what triggers your toxic behaviors. Also, researching and reading about your patterns, reflecting, journaling, and going to therapy can help change the way you respond in certain situations.
Get in touch with your empathetic side. Try to view how you treat or respond to someone through their eyes. How does your behavior affect them? Is there anything you can do or could have done to improve the situation? Once you practice doing this consistently, you will develop compassion and tolerance not only for others but also for yourself.
Hold yourself responsible for your words, actions, and attitudes. This means you question the areas where you are inflexible. Additionally, reassess your values and beliefs. There are many resources you can consult such as self-help books, videos, and podcasts by industry leaders in self-improvement.
Establishing a support system can also help keep you accountable. Spend less time with people that enable or normalize your behavior. Instead, nurture relationships with people that will gently call you out when you are engaging in a toxic pattern. Becoming aware of and addressing toxic patterns is a process, and a shift in behavior will take time and effort.
Finally, consider going to therapy. Trauma therapy, anxiety therapy, and depression therapy can help you process and recover from troubling thoughts, emotions, and events. Through therapy, you will learn how to use healthy coping mechanisms to manage the emotional or mental distress that may be the source of your unhealthy patterns.
Recognizing Toxic Behavior in Others
Toxic behavior patterns in romantic relationships, families, friendships, or at work have an adverse effect on the emotional and psychological well-being of those involved. Harmful behavior includes (but is not limited to) financial abuse, gaslighting and manipulation, infidelity, coercive control, neglect, and verbal and/or physical abuse. Read more to learn about the signs of dysfunctional patterns.
Coercive control
Coercive control is a type of abuse that occurs when a person manipulates or limits another person. It is about power and stems from a need to dominate and control. This control is carried out through threats, neglect, withholding affection or basic needs, or humiliation.
Examples of this behavior include:
Controlling your schedule.
Isolating you from or limiting your access to family and friends.
Demanding constant attention or affection.
Taking away or limiting your access to things you need like finances, the car, your phone.
Keeping track of where you go, who you talk to, and when you come home.
Sexual violence or intimidation.
This type of behavior erodes your sense of autonomy and self-worth. Use of these tactics can make it difficult for you to leave or change the situation. This is because the person doing it will likely use guilt, manipulation, or the threat of self-harm to maintain their control.
Verbal abuse and/or physical abuse
Verbal abuse can occur in intimate relationships, in families, at work, and even among friends. This includes shouting, threats, demeaning another person, insults, over-criticizing, or any other form of communication that causes harm. Physical abuse is physically hurting someone with the intention to cause harm.
Financial abuse
This kind of abuse occurs when a person limits their partner’s access to funds. They may withhold money as a form of coercion, punishment, or revenge. Financial abuse can result in lack of financial security. Due to financial instability, you may find it hard to leave the relationship or change your circumstances. To learn more about how finances affect dynamics in a relationship, read our blog, https://trustmentalhealth.com/blog/couples-money-and-conflict.
Gaslighting
Gaslighting can occur in intimate relationships, amongst family members, friends, and co-workers. It involves casting doubts on and twisting a person’s perception of reality in order to maintain control. Someone that is gaslighting you will deny that they did or said something. They will manipulate events and conversations in order to make you believe that you are the problem. As a result, you feel confused, frustrated, and full of self-doubt.
Neglect
Does your partner, family member, or friend seem to have all the time for other people, but never for you? Are they there for you emotionally? Do they keep their promises and follow through on what they say they will do? If you feel alone, unloved, or disconnected from a loved one, you may be experiencing neglect.
Substance abuse
Substance abuse is a source of toxic behavior in a romantic relationship, in families, and amongst friends. It can lead to a variety of dysfunctional behaviors, including those mentioned above. Addiction can make loved ones feel helpless, guilty, or ashamed.
Other signs to watch out for
Dr. Tim Cantopher, author of Toxic People, Dealing with Dysfunctional Relationships, has offered a checklist of signs of a toxic person:
| Spending time with them makes you feel unhappy, anxious, drained, and stressed. |
| You feel obligated or pushed by them to do things that you do not want to do. |
| They judge and humiliate you. |
| You do things they request of you just to keep the peace. You are on eggshells around them. |
| They demand and take more than they give. |
| You worry about what they will do next and are fearful of them. |
| Being around them results in you ignoring your own needs. |
| You must hide how you really feel when you are with them and cannot talk to them about your feelings, needs, or wants. |
| They make you feel trapped or like you have no options. |
| They disrespect your boundaries and expect you to tolerate behavior that you would not normally put up with from anyone else. |
Dysfunctional Patterns within Families
Toxic family behavior may originate through learned behaviors from previous generations. For example, dysfunctional behavior patterns can be passed on from parents to their children. These patterns are difficult to identify and stop as they are ingrained in family dynamics, may be seen as acceptable, and have been reinforced for years.
Toxic patterns in families can shape family dynamics and relationships through generations. These dysfunctional patterns affect mental health, physical health, and can interfere in daily life. The effects of these patterns can extend beyond childhood and into adulthood. Adults who have experienced toxic family dynamics as children may struggle with anxiety disorders, depression, setting boundaries, and issues in their relationships. Feelings of guilt, shame, and anger related to their family experiences may also present.
Freeing yourself from toxic family patterns
How can you begin to break free from toxic behavior within your family?
Acknowledge the behavior
One of the first steps is to acknowledge that the behavior is unhealthy, dysfunctional, and unacceptable. This can be tough to come to terms with, especially if the behavior has been normalized, justified, or deemed acceptable up until now. Acknowledging the harm that has been done is essential toward breaking the cycle and healing.
Set boundaries
Another step is to set boundaries. This can involve creating physical distance from toxic family members or setting limits on your interaction with them. Setting boundaries can be challenging, especially if family members are resistant to change and are not accepting of your limits.
Get support
Releasing yourself from toxic patterns within your family can take time. Not everyone will understand or approve of what you are trying to do. It is important to get support. Join a support group, connect with friends and loved ones, or find an online community made up of people who have had similar experiences. It may be necessary to reach out for the support of a mental health professional to help you work through this process. This can involve working with a therapist to process trauma and develop coping strategies.
The Impact of Toxic Behavior
For those on the receiving end, toxic behavior can have a deep and long-lasting impact. It affects your mental health, self-esteem, and outlook on life. A relationship with a toxic partner can result in anxiety disorders, depression, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). It can also cause issues with trust, self-esteem, and your sense of identity.
If you have been in a relationship with a toxic partner, it may affect your ability to build healthy attachments. You may struggle with establishing and maintaining relationships. Dealing with a toxic relationship can also blur the lines of boundaries. You may find it difficult to set healthy personal boundaries.
Bearing the brunt of toxic behavior can affect your physical health. For example, being in a relationship that involves dysfunctional, harmful behavior can cause chronic stress, which can lead to a variety of physical health problems. When your stress response is continuously activated, it affects almost every major system of your body.
If you require assistance with any of the issues described in this article, please contact us. Trust Mental Health has a team of BIPOC therapists that are experienced in the areas of relationship counseling, trauma therapy, anxiety therapy, depression therapy, and a variety of other services. We offer a free 15 minute consultation and will match you with a therapist best suited to your individual needs. We offer therapy in San Jose and all over California both in-person and online, via telehealth. Click here for our locations.
FAQs
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Individual therapy can provide a safe space to explore your thoughts, patterns, and emotions. Your therapist can offer guidance on how to develop healthy thoughts and behaviors that will benefit you. They can also help you identify the root causes of your unhealthy patterns and work with you to establish ways to address them.
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Therapy can help you identify and manage the root causes of your feelings of anxiety, worries, and fears. It will give you new ways of framing and viewing fearful thoughts and situations. You will learn tools to help you cope better. You will come to understand how your thoughts influence your symptoms of anxiety. Through anxiety therapy, you will learn how to manage intrusive thoughts, improve your functioning, and reduce the impact of anxiety on your daily life. Eventually, your anxiety can become less intrusive and interfere less with your daily life. Treatment for anxiety will also improve your self-confidence and replace your negative thought patterns with realistic thoughts.
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Trauma therapy involves enlisting the help of a therapist through regular sessions in order to help you overcome your symptoms. It treats trauma-related mental health issues. It will help improve your daily functioning by helping you to identify your triggers and teaching you coping strategies. It will also provide you with the skills to manage your emotional responses to situations. Treatment for trauma will show you how to deal with intrusive thoughts. Through trauma therapy, you will gain a better understanding of your trauma and the impact it has had on your life.